The real reason I don't like hugging and touching

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We all know that not wanting to be touched is a common if not universal trait of ASD, and this includes hugging, but I’ve come to realize recently specifically WHY I don’t like to be hugged.

It’s because I view it as sexual. When I’m in the midst of an intimate encounter, I am very enthusiastic about touching and hugging. But other than then, I pull away and recoil. I feel it is an invasion of my personal space, regardless of the intentions of the other person.

My mom always says she wants to go the extra mile to understand my ASD but she doesn’t want to honor this simple request. She still always wants to hug me even though I’ve told her flat-out that I’m really not comfortable with it and that it even feels really awkward to me. The other day she got sort of upset, she said “Why are you such a cold fish? I want to hug you because I’m your mother! It’s NORMAL!” I’ve told her again and again it’s not because I’m a cold fish, and I would think that if she really wants to understand and accept my ASD that badly she would stop asking to hug me, or say things to make me feel guilty when I don’t want to.

Additionally when I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time, I am always reluctant to hug them, so I usually just shake their hand. And I can tell they sort of think I should be hugging them, because hand-shaking is so formal, but it just feels wrong to me because I view it is a very intimate act.

I would SO like it if the people in my life would just stop wanting to hug and touch me!! !

Does anyone else have this sort of problem? Or are there any parents who get frustrated because their adult or adolescent ASD children won’t hug them? It could be for this reason, you know…

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Did you ever explain this to her? I bet she'd back right the hell off if you told her the real reason you don't want hugs from her.

I don't know that moms ever grow out of this wanting to be hugged. I remember accusing my mom of being a lesbian when I was about 11 because she wanted to cuddle me and I had never really liked it. Around that age too, I used to wonder if everyone else who was hugging me had some sort of sexual feeling. Who knows- I didn't have many same age friends, so the hugs I got were mostly from older relatives. I am not sure that I had any sort of sexual feeling myself about being hugged at that age- I just got claustrophobic and felt trapped and panicky about hugs. Now I am a lot older and can give and accept hugs just as friendly ways to tell someone you care, but it took me until I was in my 40's to be comfortable with that. I had to decide that this was a normal behavior and I had to exhibit normal behavior and was tired of being the weird one who didn't like hugs in my social circle. Now my mom is in her 80's and she gets lots of hugs from me, but when I was younger, no way.

Hmm, can't say this is true for me otherwise I would have enjoyed that hug from that very attractive rockstar. Instead my arms held him loosely and I stepped on his foot. At least he was drunk at the time and has probably forgotten about it.

All my life I have not seeked any closeness with people. As a child I did not share toys. In my teens I still didn't care about making friends. And now I could spend two years alone and not notice it. Although I'd become very skinny. I just don't like becoming too close to people. Except for those rockstars that I'm extremely awkward around.

I didn't want to be touched or hugged even as a baby, and I am sure that I wasn't thinking about sex then.

*that is true, but I actually meant it as a joke.

Also, this reminds me of something I recently noticed. Whenever I specifically define why I dislike something, I get obsessed with actually doing it.

For example, I recently realized why I have never been able to have someone cut my hair and not go shave my head immediately after. Since defining it, all I can think about is going to get a hair cut.

I do recognize disliking hugs for viewing them as sexual. For me it feels like kisses and hugs are only appropriate in romantic settings. Social use of such confuses me a lot.

I really don't like being touched at all so I kinda understand.

I don't mind being touched or hugged, but it confuses me.

I'm OK with hugs as long as it's not too sudden and intense. In fact I enjoy them.....it reassures me that the other person finds me acceptable enough to wrap their arms round me. I don't know exactly why I can't cope with sudden hugs. If I'm going through a phase where it's not happening much, although that often makes me feel deprived and wanting it to happen more, when it does happen it tends to be more of a shock, and then I can't easily respond gracefully.

I've felt some of that sexual anxiety mentioned by other posters here, especially if I'm not used to hugging. I'm particularly reluctant to hug men....I get a fleeting impression that everybody would think I was gay......I'm sure there are ways to make a "man-hug" so obviously masculine that nobody would think any such thing, but I'm not confident of being able to use those ways, so I usually don't bother (sorry guys ). Frankly I have very little experience in hugging men, because they don't often seem to want that anyway. I'm not homophobic, just that I don't want to join in, so to speak. I think it could be a fear of making a homophobe think I'm coming on to him......I've hugged gay men and not felt anxious at all, just a little concerned that they might get their hopes raised when there's nothing I can do for them.

The sexual anxiety can happen when I hug women too. Some of them seem to have a good hugging style, they'll kind of lean forwards so that they're not pushing their boobs into my chest, and they'll carefully present their cheek so that a kiss on the lips or neck would be impossible without being rather aggressive. But others stand upright so the entire front of our bodies is in contact, which I see as very untoward unless we're pursuing a legitimate sexual relationship. So if I've got a partner and/or she has, I can feel quite strange and gulity about it. I really don't know what's going on - whether they're "right" and there's nothing sexual in it, or whether they know full well that there are sexual connotations to what they're doing but want to keep it kind of secret.

Wme, I don't view it as something sexual, but I have NO problem with a woman I really like who is sincere. Generally, I don't even want to SIT near others.

:O Same reason as the OP. Which is bizarre. I thought I was the only one. *phew*

Or wait... unless there is a difference between sexual and intimate...

I just get really uncomfortable, especially if it's another girl hugging me. *blegh*
And when a guy hugs me, it's still uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as hugging a girl, only because for some reason, guy hug tighter, like bear hugs almost cuz they're...well...guys?
And girls hug all soft and it bothers me a lot. Perhaps having to do with that whole pressure-sensitive thing many autistics/aspies have. But nonetheless, I am bothered by it.

Also standing or sitting to close to others, even people I like. If someone leans towards me I lean away. Doesn't matter who. I don't like being too close to anyone, especially other girls or guys I don't like. Eugh.

A doctor told me , just say "I don't want you to touch me."

Then they are breaking boundaries that are set.