Positive Bf has aspergers. How do I confront him lovingly?

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I've been dating my Bf for 18 months on and off, more off than on because of me being fustrated about the lack of intimacy/sex and communication. He's 38 yrs old never married no kids, I'm 42 divorced and two teen children. He is so soft spoken and easy going and brillant!! He has a boyish shy way about him, and when we met I was hooked. We have never had a great sex life, in the beginning I thought he was just being a gentlman and polite (not like most guys I've dated) by not trying to get me into bed right away. But even after we did have sex (2 months into the R'ship) he was never really into it. Actually never even wanted to have it, but loved talking about it via text, but then when we got together there was always an excuse. Too tired, too full, too hungry, didn't take a shower, dog is here, beds too hard (that's my favorite one, geez most guys would have sex anywhere). Anyway, I fell in love

About 4 months ago I googled his personality traits and boy was I shocked. It was like I was ready all about him under the info I got on Aspergers. When we lay down next to one another which isn't often, and the few times we have over the last 3 months was him sought of giving me the cue that we would be intimate. He can't even cuddle with me and when I'm side by side with him he even has a hard time caressing me. It's almost robotic, we haven't kissed in over a year (he chews tobacco). But then when I say something about the lack of everything he says don't you think I want to do this or that? But he doesn't do it, like cuddle ect. one time I said, don't you want rip my clothes off when I walk into your apt. after talking about sex via text all week. He says of course, but he still has never done it. He makes excuses and says, I hate the way you always plan sex. This is not true, he's the one that talks about it all week via text, so of course when we are together I would hope it will happen. But It's always an excuse.

Ok... I won't get into our whole 18 month history, but he is a loner, extreme hobbies, he owns a sport fishing boat and is obsessed with it. I work every Sat. and Sun so no biggie for me whens he's pre-occupied with that. Here are some of the things that lead me to believe he has Aspergers.

Extreme knowledge/intelligence
indecisive... can't make plans till last minute.
Memory retention like no one I've ever met before
Extremem hobbies
Unwillingness to communicate feelings and emotions
No empathy
Routines... Routines
One sided conversations
No eye contact
Prefers to be alone (and makes it very clear)
Takes everything literally (I said to him via text last week "I get the picture" referring to him not liking while I watched him play poker in the casino. He texted back... get the picture???)
Doesn't like to touch me or be touched
Usually declines social invitations
Cannot for any kind of emotional/intimate bond with me ( he has 3 friends, Me and two other men both in their late 50's, kinda odd for someone under 40)
Unable to express any physical affection or express any emotions (unless his dog is hurt)
Disinterest in sex
Inability to make concrete plans

I'm sick over this, but also relieved if this is what he has. In the beginning I thought he just didn't want to be with me but now that I have researched this and believe this is Aspergers it kind of helps to put all the puzzle pieces together. He says he cares for me and cares about my feelings, but that's only when we have a dispute about us. In the beginning I thought he was just a rude a** but someone so sweet could'nt be, then I thought I was making excuses for his bad behavior.... until I found out about Aspergers. Now I try to see everything through his eyes, but I'm so fustrated, I'm even losing weight.

My question is..... Does this sound like Aspergers? If so.... How do I confront him about it? or do I just not say anything? We are intimate about every 6-8 weeks ( and it's almost like he seemes forced to do it just to keep me happy ) I've even asked him if he was gay before I found out about aspergers. So confused, and making myself sick over it. I think he would get so pissed at me if I confront him and if he does have it I think he knows. His Mom is a retired grammer school teacher, how could she not have seen this early on. Also he mentioned to me that when he was younger he has seizurs, and he has slight head tremors that I notice when he's eating. Also he never can sleep a full night, he jumps out of his sleep every couple hours almost as if someone is attacking him. Not sure if this means anything, just thought I'd add that.

Do I confront him? If so how? I don't want to hurt him or maybe he would be mad and never want to talk to me again. But when I think back to some very hurtful stuff I said to him early on, he still was there wanting to get together and contacting me.

Thanks for reading.

As for his mother not seeing it early on, he was an adult before Aspergers was added to the DSM. In a large part, your approach may depend on the answer to one question. Is he aware that he has social challenges that he is seeking a solution to?

My life partner sent me a link to an online quiz and asked me to tell her my score, but then I've been looking for answers and she knows it.

I believe deep down he is aware that socially he doesn't do well especially since he doesn't like to be anywhere more than an hour. I highly doubt he's looking for any solution. He has no problem staying at the casino more than an hour. But comes off as rude and aloof to strangers. In the past he has said to me Iam who Iam. Maybe he doesn't know. I like what your S/O did with the quiz, but I think he would get pissed.

Glossy, here is what I consider to be an authoritative list of AS traits I got from another thread. It should be noted that an aspie doesn't have to have all of these traits, and can have idiosyncracies not listed. But it is nonetheless a good starting point:

http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_4a3 ... 112c8.html

As far as your boyfriend goes, he has to be willing to help himself to improve. Nobody can do it for him.

He is soft spoken and brilliant BUT.....do you really want to be in a relationship where sex is on the back burner? Do you really want to be with a man who is so hard to communicate with? Are you happy with him and a better person for being with him? Doesn't sound like it, judging by the list you made up of things that make you think he is somewhere on the autism spectrum.

There is no way for you to 'lovingly' confront him with a 'oh by the way babe, see this list of annoying stuff you do and don't do, I think you are somewhere on the autism spectrum, do you think you can change it up for me?'

He already sounds pretty set in his ways, I suggest you consider a couple possible scenarios if you do think of a diplomatic way of approaching him.

Number one could be, no kidding, I know all about it.

Number two could be denial, no that is not me and how dare you.

Number three, which is what I think you are hoping for is, oh thank God for telling me about this, I recognize myself, what a relief, now lets work on our relationship darling.

You say he is brilliant, so there is a very good chance he already knows all about Aspergers and is fine with it and does not have any plans on changing his behaviors any time soon.

I dunno, I am feeling a little cynical this morning, if it works out to the Number Three scenario, then God bless and full speed ahead but you better be mentally prepared for the other scenarios, not to mention are you willing to hang in there while he works on his 'social issues', it could be a long time coming and quite possibly and realistically, he may not want to change anything about himself.

OP... if your boyfriend is asexual and you aren't, there might be a mismatch there. You need to have an honest talk with him. If he's just having sex to make you happy, then you need to get that out in the open and either find a compromise or agree to be friends instead. For the record: There are happily married asexual/sexual couples out there. There's always a compromise involved, but they do exist.

I suggest visiting AVEN for more info on asexuality. A note on asexuality and autism: Most autistics are not asexual; but as far as I can tell it's about twice as likely for us as the general population, maybe because we're also more likely to be introverts, like your BF is.

One more thing: If he has autism, it's life-long. The way he is now, he'll always be; you can't expect him to become typical any more than you could expect yourself to become autistic to match him. While he'll grow and change as he learns just as you will, the autism is hard-wired into his brain; autistic people gain maturity, experience, and knowledge, but that makes them mature, experienced, skilled autistic people--not typical people. If you love someone with autism, you have to love the autism too, because it's part of them--not something extra or added on; not an illness, but part of their natural, though atypical, development. It's kind of like coffee: If you expect it to taste like hot chocolate, you won't like it; but if you expect it to taste like coffee, you grow to like it even better than you ever liked hot chocolate.

I think that the better is not saying nothing. Let's face it - it is almost sure that your bf knows that he has these traits; the only "added value" of telling him about AS is that he will know that there is a name for people like him - what is the real advantage of it? Specially compare the prso and cons:

- Cons:

He could think that you are intolerant of his personality, and that you are calling him "crazy" or "disabled" or "ret*d" or something like that (it is the natural first reaction if you tell to someone that he has a mental/neurological condition, specially if the person is not familiar with the condition in question)

- Pros

He will know that there is a name for people like him

Comparing pros and cons, I think that the risks of the negative side are much more relevant thn the advantages of the positive side.

About if he has AS - I am undiagnosed, then I am not a good people to tell. The description could be Aspergers or Schizoid Personality Disorder (http://schizophreniasymptoms.net/schizoid-personality-disorder-symptoms/). However, the extreme hobbies, the routines, the seizures and the literal interpretation points more to AS.

No way. He deserves to know. I grew up without a diagnosis because my mom refused to get me evaluated for what was an obvious case of autism; and instead of knowing I was autistic, I thought I was crazy, stubborn, rude, lazy, and morally deficient.

There's nothing wrong with being autistic. It's just a disability. Disability is a part of the human experience, not something to be ashamed of. It can be hard hearing about it for the first time; but it's a whole heap easier than thinking your difficulties are because of your own lack of character and that you just need to try harder, instead of knowing that these are difficulties other people have dealt with and there are ways to work around them and compensate for them.

Thank you so much for all of the reply's I really appreciate it and the link.

paintingdiva you made me smile because it's like you know him... scenario 1 and 2 seems pretty on target LOL!! !
I just figured if I approached him and we were on the same page it would be better for the both of us.

Tpe2, the cons that you posted is what I'm most afraid of if I tell him what I think. and under no circumstances do I feel that way. I love him no matter what.

callista I agree that he deserves to know, but I honestly think he already does and would never want me to know. I'm just afraid of his reaction if I ask him. I asked him if he was gay last year and he didn't get upset with me. He just said "I'm clearly not gay"

So do I just not say anything? Do I just approach the sex thing like I have in the past? here's how that went....

Me: We really need to step up the intimacy/sex thing, once every 6 weeks isn't enough for me ( I did this in a fun flirty way)
Him: The next time I see you I' going to do XYZ
Me: O'yeah? Then I add alittle XYZ remarks

Then I get to his house and NOTHING HAPPENS. Every excuse in the book. Last week I was there and he sat on the couch with his arms crossed and we were watching Indiana Jones ( he watches the same movies over and over) and I said how about you put some porn on? (I know he has watched porn before but never with me and he admits to masturbating and has even used the excuse of not being able to have sex with me because he maturbates too much on his own) after I asked him to put porn on, which FYI I wasn't into at all, but wanted to try something different hoping it may get him in the mood, well he got up real fast and went into kitchen and said " What's wrong Indiana Jones not doing it for you?" he's a wise a** lol!! I said nope!! So he sits back down and I say " So your not going to put it on?" He say's "I would like it to be spontaneous"... HA, I've already tryed being spontaneous lots of times... I didn't say that to him. Before I left I said ok your not in a cuddle mood and he says "I'm sorry I've been running around all day and I didn't take a shower." Another excuse, so I said Well we could of taken a shower together.

We are both attractive, physically fit adults and we should be doing it every chance we get. IMO!
Several times he mentioned us going away or just staying at a hotel overnight and it's never happened, right before we are ready to go he cancels the overnight plans.

I forgot to add, I would never expect anyone to change. Compromise yes, but if he is not able to comprimise due to aspergers then I would be ok with that.

A (creepy?) personal note of me: I had to confess that, many times, masturbation gives me more pleasure that real sex; and (perhaps the more bizarre thing) when I am having "real sex", I had to imagine a fantasy situation in my head to have pleasure (in other words, when I am having sex with a woman, I have to imagine that I am having sex with a woman...).

Yes, I am bringing a bizarre part of my personality to the discussion (that could even be considered inappropriate for the forum), but perhaps could help you to understand what can be happening inside the head of your bf.

I appreciate your honesty... and not creepy to me, I've seen creepy in my life LOL!!
Two questions if you don't mind and sorry if I'm out of line.
1- Do you have Aspergers?
2- When you have to imagine being with a woman while having sex, are you actually thinking about the woman your with or another woman?

Thanks

I'm just going to say as someone who struggles to show affection when I do it (forced) it looks obviously awkward and fake. Would you rather he was like that? I don't like it that I can't show people my feelings or give them any emotional support (other than giving them tips about how to help with their problem - oh they love that) but I'd rather be honest with myself by not forcing that behaviour out of me and sounding monotone, awkward and just coming off as really fake.

Don't discount the possibility that he simply has a low level of sexual attraction to people in general. I'm asexual and, while I see sex as an awkward, far-too-biological act, I still have a physical sex drive that doesn't point anywhere and sometimes leads to the usual sexually oriented dreams that I gather everyone has. Sex just doesn't connect to romance for me, and I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with anyone no matter how much I loved them. If I had a romantic relationship, I'd want it to be platonic--emotional and intellectual intimacy, but nothing past holding hands or hugging, physically.

Important to remember, though: Lack of sexual attraction is NOT the same thing as lack of love or lack of desire for closeness. It just means that you aren't particularly interested in sex, kind of the way you might be not particularly interested in football or stamp collecting.

Regarding showing affection: It took me a while to realize that my mom wanted to be told I loved her, even though I had already told her before. It's a bit odd to me that people want to be told things they already know, repeatedly; but I've grown to realize that these constant affirmations of an established, obviously present relationship are expected of people who are in such relationships--much more so with romance or family than with friendship, however. I think it must be a bit like how two cats who are friends will groom each other, even though they could groom themselves just as easily. They have to remind each other that they are friends, and mix their scents together so that when they meet each other they will smell familiar and comfortable.

Introverts often do only want to see other people occasionally. I socialize about once per week, and sometimes that's a little much for me. I'm an extreme introvert as these things go, but if your boyfriend is an extreme introvert too, then it could be that he is most comfortable with this small amount of social contact rather than spending most of his time in company. It's kind of like an introvert just doesn't have a social appetite that's as big as an extrovert's. Introversion is a perfectly natural part of the human spectrum, and not considered connected with any sort of psychopathology. It's simply that some people prefer quieter, one-on-one, less often, and a smaller number of closer friends. If you're an extrovert, you might find that foreign; but for an introvert, it's perfectly natural and comfortable to seek solitude most of the time.

I don't know. However, your bf seems very similar to me (well, instead of following routines I am more of the kind of simply doing nothing, but in the social-afective description he seems equal to me). Then, it is much probable that he and I have the same condition (being Asperger's or any other thing.



Both cases could occur (including a purely imaginary woman). Perhaps some people spend so much time inside their heads that they end up loosing the interest by "real things".

This could sound like a silly sugestion, but perhaps you could try something that stimulate him more via imagination and antecipation? Style, playing strip poker before sex (yes, I know that sounds a very silly ideia, but it is the only that came to my head).

For the poster who was concerned about his fantasy life, sexual fantasies during sex, not about the person you are with, is very common and normal.

Go read some Dan Savage, his orientation is towards gays but his advice pretty much suits everyone, he is very, very practical and very much approves of fantasies in your head during sex no matter what your sexual orientation.


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