How important are relationships to you?

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What I mean is, how important is it to have a relationship, marriage, possibly family? I've noticed some people on this forum seem to rate autistic difficulties almost strictly in terms of how difficult dating is, which is something I don't really relate to. When I tried to date, it was extremely difficult for me, but not having one isn't anything I particularly mourn or view as egregious. Even when I did try to date, I was aware of the fact that my habits were not really conducive to living with a partner. When I was in a long-term relationship, this proved to be true - having a partner was suffocating and difficult. In the last year before I left, my ex was doing everything she could to reduce our time apart, such as offering me rides when I needed alone time to walk home, or trying to be a part of things I had deliberately set up to do without her.

The fact that she was abusive played into this as well, I think, but even in an abusive relationship, the abuser is not abusive 100% of the time or even the majority of the time. It may be it was her need to be controlling (which is abusive) but I don't know. I do know the more time I had to myself, the happier I was.

One of the reasons dating was difficult for me was that the closer other people wanted to get (and spend more time with me) the more I tried to limit that contact. Other reasons were that I didn't really know/understand how much contact people need (I still don't) and probably numerous other little things I don't even don't know that I don't know. When people - friends, family, etc. - try to push for routine contact, I tend to stop contacting them because I feel like my personal space is shrinking and my ability to spend time by myself with my interests is being too sharply curtailed.

I have Asperger's. I've never dated and see no reason to ever change that.

It's something I don't need, nor have I sought it out for that very purpose. It's quite hard for me to make relations, probably the hardest of things for me (I mean transitioning to "out there"). I tried once, but failed; too hard for me in the end.

I do get quite attached to those around me though, and I feel the loss when they eventually leave (everyone eventually leaves in my experience). A faithful dog and all that.

I've been in a relationship for 19 years which is a significant part of my adult life. I wouldn't like to imagine what life would be just by myself now, so I voted for very important.

I believe I wouldn't want to go it alone. I lived as a bachelor till mid 30's. It's nice to have someone in your corner so to speak, to experience and feel the love of care, as to be accepted for who you are. There is a certain chemistry about this, when there is a meeting of the minds, a synergy you could say. Pets don't do it for me. You can look at bowser wagging his tail in the corner, but it's just a tag along being, there is nothing added to my essence by caring and nuturing him/her---this is empty for some reason to me.

Very important to me. Wouldn't want to live without at least some hope of being in a good relationship.

Sex is slightly important, but relationships are not important. I used to think the two were the same thing, but there is a big difference between love and sex.

That's interesting. I find animal companionship to be quite rewarding, more than other people.



Sex is so unimportant to me personally I didn't even think of mentioning it. I used to think the two were the same thing, too, and it made me wary of relationships.

One of the biggest clashes between my ex and myself was that my ex wanted more sex than I could physically tolerate. She kept thinking she could "fix" my tactile hypersensitivity, but no. Sleeping in the same bed with other people tends to trigger meltdowns as well, at least if I can't get away (the last time this happened was pure hell. Never again).

Last edited by Verdandi on 04 Jan 2012, 7:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not even in the slightest bit interested. I will live with animals all my life.

happily married for two and a half years. wouldn't trade it for anthing.

Okay, this is out of curiosity and not an attempt to challenge these statements:

Can you explain what relationships do for you? Something like what Mdyar wrote is fine, probably. More detail would be good, though.

Last edited by Verdandi on 04 Jan 2012, 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, although I do make a special effort to spend time with my mum.

Never been in a relationship, and I am not concerned.

would like to find someone but someone I really connect with is hard to find.

I am not on the autism spectrum and very few relationships are important to me, those that are are very important. There might be four such relationships in my life, maybe three.

I'm very selective, and most relationships I have with people don't mean a lot to me - including my relationship with much of my family - but when I choose to care I care a lot, like many aspies.

And Tiranasta, I think your avatar is inappropriate for a family friendly forum.

It's something I feel I'd value far more than anything else that I could have. Even friends who I consider close and appreciate are just not enough, somehow. I feel I need to be able to rely on and disclose insecurities I have to another, and to do the same for them, but I feel that some of that would still be too personal for someone thought of as only a friend.

That said, I really don't have much experience with relationships at all. Farthest I've got was asking my first friend to "marry" me at the age of maybe 3 or 4. :p I've felt closer to others since, at times for years, but all were surprised or perhaps repulsed when I told them I had any interest in them. It hasn't ruined all friendships, but in those that it hasn't, I feel it's restricted the way I act to the point where I feel I should just not talk to them anymore anyway.

I meant primarily romantic relationships, not friendships or family (except spouses).

Friendships can be and a few are very important to me. And I communicate casually with a lot of other people. The big thing there is I tend to forget to keep in touch and I don't really miss them or think about them much unless prompted somehow. Even if my best, closest friends push me for too much contact, I am quick to cut back on the contact, especially if it's interfering with my interests. Scale back to e-mail instead of chat, or just stop e-mailing.

Right now there's exactly one person who is not a family member... Actually, there is exactly one person I communicate with daily, including family members. She's not even my closest friend, but we share a lot of interests. I used to chat with her, but I cut back to e-mail because of too much contact. I don't mind the daily e-mails (and it's never a problem to take breaks).