Toughen up.

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This used to be something certain people would say to me.

That and that I needed to grow a thicker skin, be harder, be less sensitive, and so on.


I've always been over-sensitive to external situations. Often this is the environment, such as noise, smells and so on. I can handle this better than the other main issue, which is people.

I feel like there is no boundary between the emotions of others and myself. I get very affected by the energies of other people, so much that if someone is in a bad mood or tearful I will often become the same, or shut down to get away from them.

My mood is very influenced by the actions of others, by their words or deeds, or lack of them. I get very easily overwhelmed, or confused, or depressed at things that may seem very small to other people.

I don't know if this is an aspie thing, or more to do with mood disorders, or just my fundamental nature, or a combination of all three, or something else entirely.

I've 'dealt' with this in the past by increasingly isolating myself. I withdraw from friendships, or colleagues, or jobs. Until last year I was almost completely isolated from people.

But I want to learn a way of being in friendships, or employment, and not being so changeable or influenced by them. I want to be able to have relationships that last, rather than shutting down or isolating myself.

Has anyone found any ways of doing this? Or does noone else relate to these experiences?

I "toughened up" but now I care less than I used to. It's the only way really. That's not to say I don't care, but I don't care too much.

I *completely* relate to this. I would suspect that I was an ultrasensitive person (it's a thing I read about, is it "hypersensitive" instead?) instead of autistic except for my extreme difficulty with people.

I'm also extremely sensitive to injustice/unfairness, and that's when people step in and read me the "toughen up" riot act. I simply did not accumulate emotional maturity at a level I needed to, to deal with unsavory/complicated aspects of grownup life. Every bad thing hits me in the face and then the hurt continues, I don't seem to heal except over *vast* quantities of time (and then I suspect it's sublimation, not true healing). It's like for all of my environmental and emotional sensitivity, I have no capacity for ordering the chaos. I withdraw, completely, like you.

What do I do? I find "safe" outlets. Like Facebook, where I can control the input and sensory stimuli and can leave when I need to. Acceptance has also been a salvation: I've accepted that I'll always be melancholic and a bit anxious. Exercise helps a little bit, diet helps a little bit, highly-regulated sleep patterns help a little bit. You have to turn yourself into the most efficient human machine, just to deal with things other people consider "every day". It's not for the faint of heart!

I used to get "suck it up" and "grow up" a lot.

Henbane, your situation is what I've come to term the aspie's existential dilemma: We need people more than we want them.

It was Aristotle who noted that hermits either sleep with the gods or pigs, and I think he's right. We all need other people to satisfy our emotional as well as material needs. The question for me was how little human contact I really needed. The answer I found is that I don't need much--some, but not much. I'm happiest and truly comfortable only when I'm alone. It may be the same for you.

As far as employment, I've always done very poorly in team efforts: the team tends not to like me. And since disliking people back is wasted energy, I prefer to work alone. I put myself into positions where I can work independently.

There is one exception to this: I'm now director of a nonprofit, and have been for thirteen years--by far the longest I've ever held the same job. So, I'm the manager of a team, and do very well at this. I've had remarkably few problems, as I'm very careful about who I choose to employ. Problems for me result from having to deal with superiors and coequals--not subordinates.

Bottom line: Become the boss or find a job you can do independently.

I am extremely sensitive towards any sign of either approval or disapproval of others towards me, how well I am accepted, etc. But at the same time when it comes to things that have nothing to do with me I tend not to care.

The "not caring about others" have changed after I was in a relationship with Jennifer. She was very sick and depressed and as a result I care about her a lot. In fact I forced myself to stay with her despite the fact that I was unhappy primarily because I was too sorry to leave her. At the same time, however, my sympathies are limitted to the very few people I get close to. And I repeat: the number of ppl I am close to IS very small. As for the rest I tend not to care. I guess maybe it is not so much not caring but rather "not knowing" that their feelings are real? I mean if Jennifer were to send me an email and say "hey I am very sick here is what happened" I probably won't have cared either. But seeing her in person while she was sick made me care. Probably the same is true for all the others I currently "don't care" about? Perhaps if i were to "see" what is inside their heads I would be caring?

In case of Jennifer, though I was "too caring" compared to most people. After all, most people would break up with someone they are not interested in, despite all their sympathies. In my case I stayed with her for 2 years despite my unhappiness the entire second year. Also my obsession about how much Jennifer is hurting continued well beyond the breakup and I was associating various things (including the dying flowers) with Jennifer who is hurting. This is a lot too sensitive compared to most ppl. So perhaps it is like this:

a) I usually "don't see" others and thats why I am insensitive

b) As a result of "not seeing" I have never got a chance to be dissensitized either. Therefore, when it comes to the FEW people I do see, I end up being overly-sensitive.

c) I am overly sensitive when it comes to others approval or disapproval of me. But this part has to do with my own insecurities and is unrelated to either a or b.

How did you stop caring though? And what about the people you already care about, did you reduce how close you were to them? Thankyou.





Yes I think I am probably hypersensitive. Is it not possible to be hypersensitive and have AS? I'm not sure.

Yes, I'm the same about injustice. I've spent half of my life campaigning on various issues, and the other half ignoring them because they became too painful for me to cope with.

I wonder if I've healed at all from any of my past issues, or if I've just completely retreated from them.

Yes, Facebook is much better than most environments, because you can control the people you have on there. I tend to get quite obsessive though, and I have difficulty in deleting people if they cause me stress or pain.

I should definitely sleep and eat better. I'm not sure I can be an efficient human machine though. Maybe an inefficent human/machine hybrid would suffice? Thankyouuu.x





It's interesting you should use the word hermit. I feel like that's what I am, essentially. Recently I've managed to get out and about more, with company. But by myself I just won't do it, I have no desire to do it, and if I am out alone I feel very quickly panicky and overstimulated.

I'm not sure if I need people more than I want them. I'll have to think about that. There are definitely one or two people I do need, in that without talking to them I become very lonely and depressed. So I have a 'need' to talk to them, but also a 'want'? It's also true that in needing someone I am more prone to emotional instability. And this is the main issue I have. When I had no people in my life I was more stable, this is true. And stability is something I really value. But I think I was also very lonely, or alone. Not sure if it is the same thing. It's a state I don't want to be in again. I need to find some sort of balance within myself.

As for employment, I can definitely relate to you. I've been out of work for over 4 years, but before that I worked in management. It wasn't the people 'under' me who I found so difficult, it was the relationships above, especially when I was asked to implement practices I found unjust or unfair. But in being a manager I was very isolated again. I think I gravitated towards that in order to limit my possibilities for genuine interaction with other members of staff. I think I do desire company, but I just find the interactions with people so stressful and difficult that I have to become isolated in order to maintain my equilibrium. I'm not sure if an entirely independent job would work for me, and yet it seems to be the only way I'm going to be able to earn money.

Thankyou for your thoughts.




Yes, I'm sensitive in that way too. It annoys me that I am like this though.

That's an interesting way of looking at it. Thankyou.

people have told me things like this my whole life too: "you're so sensitive", "you need to grow a thicker skin", "let it roll off your back", "you need to stop caring so much", "why is everything such a big deal to you?", etc, etc

to SOME degree, therapy helped me. especially group therapy that was designed to push all our buttons and get us emotional. we were kind of taught to embrace the emotions and accept them and deal with them more appropriately. but... nothing will ever really change me all that much.

i am employed but my work life consisted of job-hopping. i would get frustrated by injustices at work... i tended to play by the rules and i was a whistle-blower. i tried to form a union. and so on... but i have been nearly 3 years at one job now, so i am much better now.

i have had trouble keeping friends too, because i found myself suppressing my true feelinss so i would not rock the boat or say the wrong thing. so i wasn't being authentic and eventually it became too hard to maintain those relationships. this is also changing, as i have friends that really urge me to be open and honest with them so our friendship is healthier.

but the biggest change is that i have the support of someone who doesn't see my emotionally sensitive nature as a bad thing. he understands that it's part of what makes hyperlexian... hyperlexian. caring about other people and having sensitive emotions is incredibly draining but that kind of personality has a role in society. of course we need to remember to care for ourselves by resting and recharging (and importantly: depending on the people around us to support us) so that we have the energy to be our best selves.

in terms of people hurting you... allowing people to get to you means that ultimately you care about others and care about yourself and how you affect them. this is not a bad thing. yes it hurts, but if you stop and think about all aspects of the situation when it happens and really dissect the experience, *especially* talking it through with a friends or lover, maybe you'll find that you come out the other side with a deeper understanding of both yourself and the person who hurt you. this kind of understanding is invaluable.

Relate? yeah. Found a way do not being so strongly affected? no. (Anti-depressants do actually seem to give a little emotional insulation which is a little-bit helpful.)

Maybe other people have someone to fall back on when things are bad. Even when I was very young there was no "safe" person around to seek comfort from. So, ultimately, I trust no one when things go wrong. And people have reinforced that being a good idea by their actions many, many, many times.

I also exist as a hermit. This morning I woke up being reminded of a friendship lost many (10) years ago. It's usually the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the first thought after that one is that I never want a friend again. For a while I at least had the memories/fantasies of the good times, but now that's fading and the world feels colder than ever. I f****** hate people and hate having a mind that works this way.

I'm tired and in a really awful mood today, but I don't think there really is a place for sensitive people in the world. It's not valued, respected, or desired. It's better to be oblivious and to just not to give a s*** about anyone (but fool them into thinking that you do). Sociopaths are the probably the best kind of person to be in a modern society.

Tangent: every time I see this thread's title, I think of "Tighten Up". (Archie Bell and the Drells, not Black Keys. Am I dating myself?)

I can't toughen up. I just can't. Even if I try to, paranoid thoughts still automatically run through my mind, before I can stop them. If I catch people laughing or whispering near me, I immediately think they are aiming it at me. And then I worry and panic that I must look really unusual and weird, even when I know I'm not looking or acting any different to anyone else. But I just can't seem to toughen up, no matter what. Maybe I just don't know how. It's probably easier said than done.

But it's one of those situations I can't win in (again). People are always telling me to be positive and believe in myself, but when I do, people give some sort of excuse as to how it can be negative. And being somebody with underaverge social skills and low self-esteem and a lot of bad experiences in the past, I can't always help believing what other people say, because I always think, ''but what if it is true? What if I do appear a freak to others? What if things are actually worse than what I'm thinking, which is bad enough?''

When I see people near me laughing, I immediately think, ''what are they laughing at? Are they laughing at me? Something in the sound of their laugh sounds peculiar, not just an ordinary warm laugh. What am I doing wrong? Why are they noticing me? Haven't they got anything else to laugh at besides me? Am I the weirdest-looking person in the world?'' And the thoughts go on and on. Then little thoughts come into my mind saying things like, ''they probably weren't laughing at me. Why would they be laughing at me? I'm not even doing anything funny. They can only see the back of me, and I'm only standing here acting natural like everybody else here. Unless they've got minds of 10-year-olds, they probably aren't laughing at me. They probably haven't even noticed me.'' But then the negative paranoid thoughts come back again. ''But what if they are? Why are they? What am I doing to attract attention? The person who made small talk with me in the bus stop this morning seemed quite comfortable with me and didn't find me freaky. So what are they laughing about? What's their problem? What am I doing that's different to anyone else here? Am I THAT weird?'' It makes me feel very insignificant and uncomfortable. And the thought ''I am a person who gets laughed at'' disturbs me greatly, and sometimes makes me want to be sick with anxiety.

Then suicidle thoughts follow.

dp

Last edited by Surfman on 03 Jan 2012, 11:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hah... toughen up... be careful you don't go too far or you may end up fulfilling the so called "Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you." quote. Trust me on that.

EXACTLY. sometimes i think about how i would be if i became less sensitive, and that is not how i want to become. i'd rather get hurt once in a while or senselessly worry about people than lose that aspect of myself.

I know it personally, I have crossed that line a multitude of times. It becomes easier each time and you can wind up liking it to an absurd degree. In fact crossing it can have the opposite effect of inducing or even amplifying the more 'negative' emotions. for me it winds up amplifying my misanthropic nature to an absurd level.

Hyper I love your post. What you say resonates with me a lot, and I'm very glad you have found that person. You're very right in what you say. x