"You? Aspergers? Really? I don't believe it."

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Are you experiencing disbelief and therefore little support?

I am forty-eight years old and only now found out the reason all these years I've been disabled and just squeaking by as far as functioning. I'm having a heck of a time trying to get the formal diagnosis. Funny thing is, there is no question or doubt in my mind that I am but I've perfected the art of appearing 'normal' and blending in so now it's biting me on the ass!

What do you do when people don't believe you yet you are so overstimulated sometimes you can't leave the house?

I get this a lot. I can't get any support for what I really need, all I can get is counselling with people who are more proffessionally aimed at NTs with problems, not so much people with neurological conditions. But I done this type of counselling anyway to see if the counsellor could get me referred to a health service which is more aimed at adults with neurological conditions. But even my counsellor says I'm not ''severe enough'' to be transferred over to this service for a few reasons (what she said):-

1. I express my thoughts and feelings very well
2. I am not naive, even for my age - I am good at thinking things over with relationships or friendships and being able to avoid them if I am unsure if it's going to work out or not
3. I am good at reading body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, emotions and intentions
4. I can read and write well
5. I display good eye contact, and am very quick at understanding what somebody is talking about before they've even finished, by using a lot of social imagination

She is right, but just because I have the natural ability to do all that doesn't mean I don't need support. I suffer from a lot of anxiety, Social Phobia, depression, anger, and severe lack of confidence and I have very poor to zero self-esteem. And it all leads to anxiety - which is more disabling than it looks. And I'm not just a bit anxious - I'm very anxious, to the point where it is disabling. I find independance hard - I like to have my mum come with me to doctors and dentist and hospital appointments, and appointments at the jobcentre, and I find it hard getting my bearings around nearby towns and cities, and I find going to the supermarket on my own very hard because of all the anxiety of the people, and I know it doesn't seem much here but the anxiety is very immense in an unexplainable way. Anxiety is a very complex thing, it's more disabling than it sounds. I even find I want to just lock myself in my house all the time and never go out and face people. And I cry a lot and get angry over the smallest things which is becoming a big issue in my house, and I'm also on job-seekers but finding it really hard to find a job due to severe lack of confidence and even enthusiasm, plus I'm very nervous too, and I think employers can sense that and don't even bother with me at all. It is terrible. And, to cap it all, I am so high-functiong and self-aware that psychiatrists don't believe I have AS or need any support. Ah, where do I turn???

I'm high functioning, nerdy, and generally eccentric enough that everything gets chalked up to 'oh it's just John being John! (somebody take the glitter away from him)', even by the SENCOs I've worked with, so I get that reaction a lot.

My usual tactic is pulling the well you didn't think I was dyslexic either but look! ed-psych statement! card, so probably not much help to you. All I can suggest is persistence, just keep telling them, explaining to them, inundating them with web links and info until they give in just to make their lives easier (or, you know, believe you. Whichever works best). With closer friends and family, it might help to explain to them how you 'fake normal', if you feel comfortable discussing it. I find a quick mention of how I taught myself to imitate eye contact in social settings because I couldn't judge it intuitively does wonders when people protest that I'm "so normal".

If someone said that to me, I would go into the no-people mode for at least a week. Luckily, no one has ever said that exact thing to me yet when I did disclose but there was this one guy who seemed really skeptical of it. Lying is the most horrible thing for me to do and I still mentally bring myself down for the times in the past where I did say the incomplete truth or a lie which I have convinced myself at the time was true. But after being doubly diagnosed with an ASD and after getting confirmation from multiple people, including those around whom I tried my darnedest to act NT, how much more proof can I possibly get? It seems absurd at this point. But I feel normal now, I think particularly due to the fact that I do mostly spend time around people who also have an ASD.

I'm in something of a similar situation, Joe90. I've learned to interact socially in a way that camouflages my natural deficits, so I can come across as confident and quirky in a way that is tolerated instead of shunned, but inside I suffer from consistently high levels of anxiety, depression, a lack of self-esteem, a lack of confidence, anger towards others, etc. When I tried to broach the subject of the anxiety I always feel when faced with even the tiniest social situations or any prolonged contact with people, my therapist just laughed and said 'You don't seem like an anxious person.'

And yet everything you wrote in your post I might have written about myself, with the addendum that, having grown up as the eldest child in a single-parent family after the age of 10, I became very protective of my Mother's well-being. I push through all the things that should be disabling to me for her sake. I always get horribly anxious whenever I have to go to the dentist or doctor's office or the grocery store, etc. It would have made me feel so much better to have my Mom come with me, but I would always push through the anxiety because I knew that she was busy with other things, and my making requests like that would upset her or, at the very least, inconvenience her. I held a job at Walmart for a year, and every day it was a struggle to push through my anxiety and go to work, but I did it because I needed the money and I knew it would make Mom happy to see me out of the house. I've been living in Japan, working as an elementary school teacher for almost 6 months now, and every day is just as hard as the one before. Everyday that I wake up, I have to force myself out of bed. Talking to my co-workers and being in the classroom makes me want to shutdown. I've been pushing through it and pushing through it my entire life. Externally I can pass so well for 'normal' that even my therapist was fooled. Even my girlfriend doesn't understand! It's gotten to the point where, like you, I have no idea where I should turn. Who would believe me?

Last edited by MrMagpie on 13 Jan 2012, 7:00 pm, edited 4 times in total.

dear op
I am in the same situation as you. This morning I was more or less informed that I am wasting my time
the speech and language therapist - why did my gp surgery refer me there ..? suggested that I am engaged in 'navel gazing'

I've learnt to get by and cover stuff up that - yes noone has ever suggested it to me professionally...

I'm going to do what another poster has suggested - point out that noone knew I was dyslexic - as that is good logic and true in my case as well,

all the best with this - have no real advice but a lot of empathy
yes an aspie with empathy - whatever next? Theory of Mind ?
I am going to follow this thread with interest

I was in the same situation also... I saw eight therapists and phychiatrists before I finally saw one who had a friend who worked with autistic children. He told her about me and she said that I sounded like what an adult with aspergers/high functioning autism would be like. Long story short he sent me to an autism expert and after almost 20 hours of testing, looking at childhood report cards and the teachers comments, and talking to my mom and grandma, she diagnosed me with aspergers at age 34. In all, it took me more than 4 years to get diagnosed. So don't give up, and try to find an expert.

Ah yes, this is the curse of women with AS. I usually just point out to the person they just aren't very well versed in AS.

I usually ask them to explain the following to me.

1) Why am I 41 and still living at home
2) Why don't I drive
3) Why do I feel anxiety in crowds
4) Why do I hate to be touched or talked too
5) Why do I obssess about certain things spending hours researching them
6) Why is it I cannot read what people are feeling
7) Why does light coming through half closed blinds makes me nauseas
8 ) Why is my memory so bad
9) Why can't tell the difference between a lie and the truth
10) Why is it I only feel comfortable when I am alone

Half the time the doubter blames eveything on my Marijuana use in my teens and twenties. Or they jsut say your just really really shy.

Jo90: I'm very anxious, to the point where it is disabling.

I am intimately familiar with this. Yet I did discover meditation quelled a lot of my anxiety. And like in your case where there are so many positives working in your favor, it did not seem to result in any less isolation and social awkwardness.

I went on a date with someone I met online. It was almost excruciating! As lovely a person and places we went to, I was so overcoutious/concientious about what I said I felt like a robot, not quite human.

The most comfortable I've been lately was at the Aspies meetup nearby. First time EVER in my 48 years.

John lzhc: With closer friends and family, it might help to explain to them how you 'fake normal'

You would think they would get closer to understanding. Next I'll try describing everything about standing there speaking to them that is prickly discomfort, from the various noises to navigating carefully what responses to make in order not to upset them. The light in the house. Movement.

MrMagpie: When I tried to broach the subject of the anxiety I always feel when faced with even the tiniest social situations or any prolonged contact with people, my therapist just laughed and said 'You don't seem like an anxious person.'

! !! ! That's the sort of thing I'm going through! I feel so utterly dis-empowered having to catalogue my challenges every time as some justification! I kept telling the psychiatrist it was neurological and cognitive! And that was before I ever heard of or knew anything about Aspergers. And I started looking into Oxytocin treatment for my as yet unidentified condition. And here I am.

Chronos: I usually just point out to the person they just aren't very well versed in AS.

I like that. Like a challenge for them to go find out.

Todesking, My list looks a lot like yours.

Here's where I am with this - First time ever not feeling alien with Aspies. All clever and engaging people. I'm going to advocate for me and Aspies odf my ilk like nobody's business!

I won't tolerate being discriminated against because I just happen to present as neuro-typical. I always do my best to put people at ease.

So what are we then? Those of us who have spent a lifetime acquiring the appearances of normal, the masking of terrible social anxiety or environmental discomfort.

I've had one person that has been able to look at the symptoms and look at me (she knows EVERYTHING about me) and say "Yep, that makes sense." Everybody else has reacted like the title of this post, especially my family. My husband won't say whether he agrees with my self-diagnosis, but he is supportive, so that's enough.

I'm in a similar boat, I think. Afterall, the dx didn't even exist when I was a kid! If you weren't 100% autistic, then you weren't. I think tht is what may parent(s) thought. Unfortunately, not.
I'm very high functioning, but I do have some issues, especially in the social life/romance thing. Plus, I do love my routines. And I do stim in private.
My close frends weren't surprised when I told them about this. Everyone has been accepting and cool about it. How my GP & Pain doc are going to respond is anyone's guess. Of course, I chose friends that always seemed more accepting of differences. Plus, my best friend has one son with ADHD & one that probably has Asperger's. Good luck in my case..

Sincerely,
Matthew