Dingus wrote:
This has been on my mind quite a lot of late.
I've spent all my life to this point mimicking those around me in order to try to fit in. Not knowing that I had Asperger's, I saw mimicking different people/social groups as my way of connecting with people as I would never feel like I could actually truly connect with them.
It's made life pretty difficult and caused so much anxiety/panic attacks/meltdowns until recently.
I've done this since childhood, and never understood why. I sort of thought it was normal until i reached my teenage years and started having identity issues, which have only gotten worse. I've mimicked so many people to fit in that i don't think i got to know who ky true self was. I adopted all these characteristics and made many decisions based on what i thought others would think or do (or what i thought i was supposed to do). But i executed those decisions awkwardly or without fully realizing the consequences and got myself into some very embarrassing situations. I also think it contributed to what felt/seemed like moodiness because there were times id get so worn out doing it i just couldn't anymore and would shut down or react unusually.
It felt like lieing then at times, and once i realized i may have AS, i felt even more like i was lieing to myself and everyone else. Im trying to let myself be myself more, but when im around certain people or at work sometimes i automatically go back to acting. When i don't people think there's something wrong with me. I can't stand always feeling like i have to act a certain way just to accommodate others.
As far as telling lies to people, i definitely picked that up from watching others. I always feel a little guilty even if it's just a white lie to make someone feel better or to keep from getting in trouble. . It makes me really uncomfortable. In some situations it never even occurred to me that i always"should" lie until my peers told me.