Aspie couples

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My husband and I are both Aspie/HFA and it has caused a lot of communication difficulties in our relationship, leading to a lot of other really miserable stuff. Now we've figured out 'what we are' we're making a bit of progress in our understanding of ourselves, each other, and the way we relate. Anyone else similar? Anything to share? Would love to hear from you!

no replies.... I hope I haven't offended anyone with this thread. I know a lot of Aspies are single. I, myself, can't believe I found someone. He was my first and only boyfriend. The only relationship I've ever had. We were lucky enough to find each other via a dating agency called Dateline here in the UK 15 years ago.

Most aspie men are singles. Many of us are virgins and will remain so for the rest of our lives. I've been lucky enough to have had some women but, I have never had a really long relationship and I can go for years without even getting laid. That nurtures hatred against NT's and "society", that doesn't give a damn about our sexual needs.

You're one of us, although being a female aspie, so I have a little more tolerance for you, but, yes, you surely have offended some people here, even if it wasn't your purpose at all.

Some may be jealous because you have someone special in your life and it is their problem if they are offended by it. But we don't all get to live happily ever after so don't worry about it.

I am not HFA but my husband is and so are my two grown children. But my daughter has found another HFA both have Aspergers and are very intelligent and see the world in a more logical way then myself and other NTs. They to have a communication problem both have Auditory processing disorder and sometimes they both misunderstand eachother which results in heated discussion. Because they know they have Aspergers and because how they feel for eachother they do work through it.
My husband and I have had a lot of communication problems and we still do but I can make allowances for him now I know about his Aspergers and he makes allowances for my lack of understanding for what he is communicating to me.
People with HFA and those that don't always have communication problems with others through out their lives and people have to make allowances for eachother wether HFA or not. We don't see the situation through the other persons eyes their point of view so misunderstandings arise. I think I am babbeling.

It is a very happy thing that you both have eachother and friendship and love is always worth working for.

It is ridicules to be offended by another’s happiness.

I also think that it's great that you've found each other and are working through your communication difficulties. I've tried Dateline in the past, but I never had any success. I didn't know the reason then. I know now that it was my AS.

People say that there's someone for everyone in this world, and that may be true, but the difference between NT and AS, is that for an NT person, the next compatible person is probably in the next town. For an AS person it could be on another continent. You're very fortunate to have met each other, and I wish you all the very best. There seems to be an increasing amount of support for people in your position and several excellent books in print.

Aspergers in Love, Maxine Aston
Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships, Ashley Stanford

Thank you all for your replies! I'm sorry if anyone has been hurt in any way by my post. I'd like you to know that our time together has been extremely difficult at times and we have both occasionally wondered whether our relationship is really sustainable. Time has proved that it is.
Steve, thanks very much for those book titles! I shall definitely seek those out.

Hi Scrulie.

I have AS & my husband has some AS features - whether he would get a diagnosis I can't tell, but he certainly has communication difficulties which make things difficult at times. He expects me to know when he is feeling depressed, even though he cannot tell when I am. He does not realise that he actually has to say it before I can tell.

We have found that writing things down helps, because we both communicate better in writing.

I would also recommend the Ashley Stanford book that Steve recommended.

Communication difficulties? Plenty. Many, many difficulties. But we've survived more than 20 years together and it still works most of the time. It can happen. I suspect that there are a large number of people out there who have ASD of some kind who have never been diagnosed and never even thought it could apply to them because they are married.

I know when I was working for an autism charity for a while as a volunteer there were a lot of married people seeking a diagnosis or approaching us with the strong suspicion that they should do so.

Learning the social skills to have a full relationship with an NT person may be too much. I'm not sure I ever managed it, even looking back at the small number of rather odd relationships I had before this one.

It really did help me to read books like the Desmond Morris Manwatching one, and then just watch people in action. I practiced a new skill every once in a while, then tried putting some together in some sort of order, and can now do most of them most of the time. That was my own choice because I wanted to have the best possible chance of meeting someone nice. It worked, though arguably it wouldn't have mattered too much since dear husband can't really spot those learned skills anyway

I agree,that it is absurd for anyone to be offended by the questin you asked....arnt aspies supposed to be logical....Love is not a pie....you having a big piece wont make my piece smaller...


I didnt respond enitually because I am still in the middle of getting DX and my SO is not interested in learning about AS...his or mine...but I am 90% sure I am AS and have never had a "successful "relationship(i'm 42)until the past 4 years...Most f my prblems with past relatiships have been my lack of desire to socialize and the time and interest I put into my "interests"...although there were men who approached me as I was...it wasnt long before they were trying to get me to change...wear fashionable clothes,make-up,quit making a mess of the house with my "projects" go out with them to hang out with there friends,go out to dinner or movies....argggg

I gave up on dating altogether for about 8 years.....then accendently(just looking for someone to chat on line) met my current "aspie in denial"....No one has ever been such a perfect fit....we are both anti-social,love the internet and can be in the same space without needing the other persons attention for hours...its bliss....He doesnt respond to my minny meltdowns with any thing but perplexity....and because he doesnt feed the fire....it burns out naturally.Things might be harder if there were children involved but as it is....we are the children and can play alone in the same space and feel together...

Interesting topic!

I've come to suspect that either one or both of my parents are AS. The communication difficulties are intriguing when I look at it through the lens of AS. They rarely have anything social outside of family events, which are few and far between. Dad and his siblings are the quiet, dutiful types while Mom struggles with empathy and understanding of others' perspectives.

Does anyone have the similar result (or apperance) of codependent relationships with AS as part of the picture? Just curious.

I don't see why someone would be bothered by someone else being happy with their life.
I think my husband is probably somewhere on the spectrum with me and I think that's why we were drawn to eachother. We were a pair of misfits that found eachother late in life.

I think it makes more sense to be happy that someone else has found a good relationship. If it can happen to someone else, surely it can happen to you...

I'm not interested in romance or sex with anyone, so I also don't have much to say about the topic of a romantic relationship. When you're asexual, friendships are your most important relationships, and can indeed be closer than most romantic relationships.

I have noticed that the few friends I have tend to be, in some way, non-typical. I have three friends currently; one has sensory integration problems, another is bipolar, and the third is a very conservative preacher's daughter who almost never wears pants.

The one thing that annoys me very much is that I can't seem to form friendships with males. I often find we have common interests, and that we enjoy talking; but it seems to be accepted that if I wanted to talk to a guy, that would mean I wanted to date him. Most guys shy away from me because they don't want to date me (nor I them), and they don't understand that being friends would be nice, too.

The female Aspie is often socially isolated from other non-typical sorts because females feel and give in to pressure to conform to a certain social standard... non-typical girls often hide their eccentricities; and the non-typical males, more detectable and numerous than their female counterparts, are across that almost insurmountable gender gap.

You didn't offend me,you made me jealous!



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I have a girlfriend with Asperger's. She is just amazing--she understands me and "gets it". I am quite sure we will have a happy life together because we just get along so well. We're also asexual and see eye-to-eye on that too.

The nice thing is being able to go to someone I don't have to explain myself to--she just gets it, as I said.

Sometimes it takes an asexual Aspie to understand an asexual Aspie.