People and opening up

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This may be just me, but I posted in a thread recently and it got me thinking. I attract some odd sorts of people, and all them have one thing in common, even some "normal" people do this: they all open up to me. By "open up" I mean, they seem like they can tell me some incredibly personal stuff with confidence. One guy told me a story of how he shot a man, I mean, I listened intently, I didn't act surprised, I didn't shun him (it was self defense, the guy invaded his home), I just listened. Then when I got to college this girl randomly told me this story of how this older guy she was dating tried to kidnap her and sell her into an underaged prostitution ring when she was younger, and how she escaped. Again, I didn't act shocked or anything, I just listened. Is that what causes this? The fact that I actually listen and don't judge people based on this stuff? People have opened up to me all my life, I still can't exactly figure out why. Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone have any ideas as to why this could happen? Maybe it's because I don't talk to many other people so they feel their secrets are safe with me? I have no clue -_-

Yeah, this happens to me too, and I think you're right about it being because you listen. Everyone wants to be heard. Most people don't actively listen.

I've had similar things happen but I tend to pass them off as fiction. Still, I do find it odd at the time that people would tell me these things. I guess they just want to release it unto the outside world

I've had many people open up to me in my lifetime. I also tend to listen to what people have to say. I don't tell people to shut up, change the subject or turn them away. I've had one friend tell me that I should be a social worker or a counselor.

I think you've answered your own question pretty well there.
You're a good listener who doesn't judge people, shut them up or betray their darkest secrets. I'm rather like that myself these days, and just like you I tend to attract people who need somebody to talk to about the stuff in their lives that they fear divulging to the average Joe. For the right people, it's a pretty awesome power to have. Who in the world would not grow to love somebody who habitually validated their feelings?

For some reason it's usually women that talk to me like that....perhaps men are still generally a little too macho and competitive to open up about their tenderest feelings, which would reveal their vulnerability and put them at risk from another male such as myself. Or perhaps the difficulty is mine.....perhaps deepdown I don't want men spilling their guts to me...unconscious homophobia or something....or maybe I just have more time for women because of the potential sexual rewards - I rarely even wonder what the women who talk to me might be like in bed, and it all feels platonic enough at the time, apart from a bit of guilt and suspicion I get that makes me wonder how appropriate my behaviour would be if either of us was already in a monogamous relationship. On the other hand, when communicating in writing as opposed to face-to-face, I can often be empathic towards men, possibly because the gender thing is easier to ignore.

One problem for me is that comes from all this, is that I sometimes end up with a girlfriend......of course that's not a problem as such, but as time goes by, if the relationship lasts, my own feelings and needs come into play, and I can no longer play the liberal, detached, nondirective, non-judgemental counsellor role......by this time I am rather vulnerable to their behaviour, and so I'm trapped. When they discover that I've developed negative feelings towards some of their behaviour (because it's begun to hurt or scare me), they get quite a come-down......the gorgeous romantic bubble is burst and for the first time they get disapproval from me.....meanwhile I feel horribly guilty and quite devastated by disappointment and anxiety, and how I've let them down, and resentful because the child inside me can't understand why somebody who once gave me nothing but pleasure has started to do things that threaten me. It's actually me that's changed, usually, but deepdown it feels like they've betrayed me horribly.

The other problem is that I often find people who are happy to take my empathic gift but have no clue about how to reciprocate, so I begin to feel like a slave. The reason I can be a good listener is that I feel that same need for somebody to talk to who won't invalidate me or be shocked or disappointed.....if I didn't have that craving, I wouldn't know how to requiet it in others. The answer is presumably to get rid of the takers, but I was never good at getting rid of people, and they don't take deliberately, and I can see so clearly how hard it's going to hit them to lose the one good guy in their life. To dismiss a human being like that really hurts, because I can feel their pain....empathy is like that.

I often wonder where this craving for an empathic listener comes from. I've noticed that some religious people value highly a conviction that there is a loving father figure in the sky who will always forgive them and listen to the smallest voice with love and kindness. What a shame that people can't get such a service from mortals.

This. I agree with this.

i know a fair few secrets

No. This does not happen to me, but then again I am a very bad listener.

People think I'm a good listener because I try so hard to *look* like I'm listening so they don't think I'm just ignoring them. But in reality I just don't process what they say very well, and what I do hear I'm likely to forget anyway. I also have a lot of trouble ending conversations with people who just go on and on talking. And because I'm quiet, and have a delayed reaction to things, people assume I either accept or agree with whatever they are telling me. So people tell me all kinds of crazy s**t. Sometimes it doesn't sink in until later, that they told me something really crazy and I start freaking out wondering if I am getting in a bad situation just for being there to hear about it.

Same here! Just yesterday, I was in a position to have to listen to gossip. I was seeming to be polite and attentive, but later felt horrified because I wasn't sure how far my responses would be carried.