Hello to all!
I recently found this web site and decided to post my story in order to get some feedback.
I'll start with a little bit background about myself. I'm a 35 years old man and I moved to the US about seven years ago. I've been working as a computer programmer for about twelve years now. When looking back on earlier years in my life, I think that in my mid teen years I started feeling a little bit different than the rest of the people I was with. I had a few friends and never had major issues, but I started sensing that other people have something that I'm lacking and that I have something that other people don't have. After high school graduation, I got drafted to the military for three years. During my military service, I never made friends I saw outside of the military on leaves - I only had buddies while we were on uniforms. While in the service, I started noticing more things that differentiate me from other people. After the military I started my life. I worked as a security guard for a while with people who were a little older than me - mostly college students. I did have a few issues of saying things out of context, being too honest/direct, which at times caused some awkward/uneasy moments. After a while I left the job and started working as a computer programmer which was something I liked and excelled at. I never really had any issues for about 4-5 years though I lost touch with some of my high school friends and some moved away. During that time I hardly made any friends and those that I made were actually much older than I am. After a while, computer programming didn't interest me that much and I was very much alone and by myself a great deal of the time. This also caused my existing social skills to accumulate rust. I found it difficult to connect with most people and especially people in my age group. On top of that, I didn't (still don't) have many interests and rarely had common interests with other people. At that point of my life, a certain downhill started taking place which lasted until the present. I became pretty bored with life and decided to relocate to the United States. I had/have no problem from the professional side here. But I started noticing that many times I say things which are blunt honest/direct and out of context, more so than ever (probably culture difference as well). Certain things I felt are causing awkwardness with other people and that sometimes they misinterpret things I said (perhaps the manner I express myself is different). A good friend of mine was actually quite honest with me and pointed out to me many times about things I say or the way I act/react which are turn offs for other people. Eventually I saw less and less of him until we disconnected. In the romance/dating world, I never dated a lot of women. It is actually quite rare for me to find a woman I'm attracted to and most times I just didn't feel like I have a lot to say or do. Not to mention that if a woman likes me, whatever signals she is sending are likely to go undetected by me. As years passed, I realized that the way I'm living my life are mentally taxing and I started thinking a lot about how to better my life. I realized I am suppressing myself in many ways in life, mostly socially. For the last 10 years, I felt many times that I don't know what to do with myself and I that I'm stuck and not moving anywhere. I sometimes finished work and just felt like going home and "turning myself off", usually by going to sleep. I eventually decided to consult with a psychologist, a person who has training, knowledge, and objective insight. I prepared a VERY long list of what I don't like about my life, things I wondered about the way they are, things that I consider are an anomaly in me when compared to other people (and there were many of these). After a few sessions, his diagnosis suggested that my primary issue is having an Asperger Syndrome to some extent which eventually caused social anxiety which caused depression and other issues. After thinking about it shortly, it did made a lot of sense. When I read a few resources regarding Asperger Syndrome (as well as posts on this web site), I could identify with many of the people that have it. Note that my psychologist area of expertise is NOT Asperger Syndrome and he referred me to another psychologist that this is more of his area of expertise. I would very much like to know if I indeed have AS and to what extent (I believe that I have a mild to moderate as I'm able to function - but then again I have ZERO social life).
While I do not have many of the AS symptoms, I have the following which I feel are quite strong:
* Being blunt honest.
* Interpret things literally. "I'll be there in five minutes" - I'll actually contact the person if isn't there in five minutes as I won't always get it as a figure of speech. Many examples like this one.
* Many times saying things that are out of context and/or cause other people to raise their eyebrows.
* Inability to understand many social cues. Here is a recent example: it was late on Friday at work and I went to talk to another developer. After about ten minutes, her boss came by and asked whether I needed something from her as she is working on something that has to be completed as soon as possible. I said that I wasn't and in any case it was late on Friday and probably nobody would care if it would be completed on Monday. He replied that this actually needs to be completed sooner rather than later. I didn't get the cue and I noticed he locked his gaze with the other developer and I felt something was "wrong". He left and came back after a few seconds, asking the other developer to tell him if "something slows you down or you're being interrupted". At that point, I FINALLY realized. While things like this can happen every now and then for "normal" people, I feel this is rather consistent with me.
* Inability to understand sarcasm at times.
* As for topics of interest, I may have had in the past a few and I do have some topics I like to discuss though I don't pursue them in my leisure time. But all in all, there are very FEW things that interest me in life. I'm not sure if this is a symptom or not.
* I feel that many times, when in a new social environment like workplace, initially I was approached by some new people or initiated more conversation with them, but it gradually "faded" away as they sensed something different about me or that conversations with me many times were atypical or were not completely "flowing".
I don't know if learning disabilities are something that AS people have, but I have quite the opposite - I have VERY strong self learning capabilities and on the physical side I have very good hand-eye and dexterity (I read that some AS people are physically clumsy).
Early in life (up to my early 20s), I used to be more enthusiastic and much more free/relaxed. I think that at certain point I realized that many of the things I say and the manner that I act/react, are not typical behavior and sometime awkward. There are certain social things/situations that I simply DO NOT GET unless someone will spell them out for me. Due to that, I think I started suppressing myself at one point and started to always think about what I'm going to say (filtering), whether it is appropriate or "too much". I shy away from social situations or remain silent in order not to cause uneasiness by something that I might say. There are times where I'm not sure what the other person mean or I cannot read his/her state of mind, and I have the feeling that if I'll ask he/she will think that I'm "playing stupid". I started over-analyzing things and rarely act impulsively/intuitively. I am rarely (and I do mean rarely) relaxed and just enjoying the moment, especially in social situations. I think that this, overtime, caused me to develop social anxiety and eventually caused a depression. I think this also caused me a general low confidence at one point (probably around age 25) because I realized I'm acting "wrong" many times and I have to watch myself.
As for romance/dating, I never had a girlfriend. I had 2-3 women I dated for a few months, but I was never really into them and I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I'm actually a very affectionate person, non-judgmental, and a good listener. But because I am the way I am, women relationships seems to be even more challenging for me.
I know that I am wired very differently from other people. I actually consider myself rather mature in my behavior: I'm honest with people, I never blame other people for my mistakes, I assume responsibility for my actions, I deal with problems, I never get angry with people, I never started drinking or other substance abuse to feel better about myself (because I won't and it won't solve anything either). However, because I'm wired very differently, I have issues expressing myself with other people (I don't transmit/receive on same wave length), I have major issues noticing certain things that other people notice intuitively. Although I'm very good at my job and financially successful in, I have ZERO social life which have been the case for many years, and as I grow older it is harder and harder to meet people. I have a large social experience gap compared to other people which will stay there forever and which makes many trivial things for most people very challenging for me.
As I'm in Manhattan (New York), I was hoping to learn about programs/groups that can help me. If someone can recommend a psychologist/therapist in the New York area which specializes in Asperger Syndrome, I'll appreciate that. On that note, I would also like to ask if someone heard of Dr. Laurence Saul, which is a child psychiatrist (development disorders expertise - which also sees adults) which my current psychologist recommended seeing.
And lastly, I'm sure I have "something". In your opinion, do I have AS for sure or I'm somewhere in the autism spectrum?
Last edited by thementat on 11 Jan 2012, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
11 Jan 2012, 6:37 pm
