When people are not there for you...

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When you are in great need of help, and your friend ignores your calls, blows you off, is not there for you do you feel the need to cut them off? I find that when I am very distressed (for example, during a meltdown, trying to prevent self-harm, etc), and my "friends" are blowing me off, or being flaky, I feel like I have to cut them off for good. It is not necessarily that I am angry with them or anything, but I get so hung up on the false hope that maybe I will get to talk to another person, find some relief, that when it does not happen, I get brought down so far and so hard I can no longer control anything, get violent, hurt myself, etc. I don't like that fact, of course, but I cannot control it, and it is worse these days because I am so isolated that most days I do not talk to another person in person or even on the phone. For some reason, I feel the need to just sever my ties from them. Logically, it won't make anything better because I really have no friends or family anyway, but I find some relief in not having to expend energy hoping a friend will be there for me. Anyone else?

Yes. I would rather cut ties with someone if they can't be there for me or can't be reliable. It is much worse for me to be let down by someone, than to not have someone there at all. Even if I'm not in a situation where I need help, I like to know a person is going to be consistent. I like knowing what to expect. So if I'm going through a crisis of some sort, if I know I have to go through it alone, I know what to expect. But if there is someone there, who might be supportive or might not, it makes things harder for me as I have to wonder what they're going to do and how I'm going to deal with it.

^^ I agree, cut ties and start fresh.I'm not an expert socially, but I know that real friends are supposed to be there for you

I tend to feel like that too, but I've also found that most friends, unless they are extremely close or extremely nice, won't be there for you unless it's convenient for them. Many don't like to be there for a crisis anyway unless they are extremely close to you, because they consider it "drama" and it's to be avoided.

So, I've learned to just not talk to many people about my problems. I deal with them myself. My husband can't and won't talk about them and refuses to provide any emotional support whatsoever, so I just don't talk to him about anything except what I need to communicate to him about physical stuff - stuff around the house, relaying messages, etc. I'm not mean to him about it, I just stopped "talking" to him. I only speak to him about things.

It makes it really difficult for me though, to not have somebody to tell my feelings to who can understand and provide some type of emotional support.

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i don't really need people much anymore

If I know up front that a friend is not really the type of person to give emotional support, it doesn't bother me. I had one friend who was like that, and I probably never would have gone to her in a crisis. We didn't talk about emotional stuff at all, and yet she was one of the best friends I ever had (she died, else I wouldn't be talking about her in past tense).

It's the people who lead me to believe they ARE going to be there for me, that I can't deal with. The ones who act like they're going to be supportive, but then pull it out from under me when I really need it. Some people have a really weird way of doing that. They have subtle ways of encouraging someone to open up or rely on them, but when you really need it they are not there.

I think you are over reacting. The reason friends and family are often not there for someone when that person is upset, is because they can't handle the constant drama. This is not a criticism, just an observation. Most people will put up with the drama for a while, but if it comes too often, and too strong, they tend to back away, while the upsetness is going on, to wait until the upset person calms down. People prone to "needyness" when they get upset, should really hook up with a therapist at those times. Family and friends are not equiped to deal with the strong emotional venting, or to really provide any help, as the upset person is really not in the mood to listen to any advice at those times. They just want to vent, but at a really overwhelming level. Having to put up with someone's "rant" without being able to help, just puts stress onto the listener, which is why they eventually take to backing off when a frequent "ranter" wants to dump on them again.

Instead of dumping on friends and family when you are upset, find a good therapist, and also, develop some coping methods of your own, for when the therapist may not be available. Some you might want to consider are:

- Music
- Exercise
- Watch funny shows on TV
- Read a good book
- House work
- Hobbies

Just find something to distract yourself until you are able to calm down on your own. And remember, we on the spectrum are all:

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

--Henry David Thoreau

Increasingly, I really just think that my concept of friendship is just not anything like what other people want. The more I learn about how other people react to things, decide to help one another, etc, the less I want anything to do with them. I feel like a different species.

I can't say that this is true, but I'm putting the question out there: Is it possible that the only true friends that we can have are... others with brains like ours?

I hate not being understood. I gave up trying to talk with my ex, and we broke up. I shelter myself from the majority of my friends. The one person I can completely bear my heart and thoughts to is also diagnosed with Aspergers...

What I really don't understand is how I am in the wrong when someone tells me for weeks they'll give me a ride to the hospital to get some help and don't, then I get really upset about it. I feel like I have no way to tell whether or not someone else's behavior is acceptable or not. I am so frustrated.

I had a friend like that (I call her my ex friend) now she was making some nasty comments when I thought she would be understanding like "Your family is shrinking" when I told her about my Dad and two nephews she's always bragging about all her nephews and nieces.
I cut her off now and if I see her when I'm shopping I just say to her I'm too busy to stop, if she rings I don't answer the phone.

I don't rely on other people if I can help it. I'd rather it wasn't that way but if I'm depending on someone to come through for me and they don't, I completely freak out and it makes everything worse than if I'd just done it myself in the first place.
I've been thinking maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to find a therapist. That way I can talk about emotional things/needs with someone who is hopefully less likely to actively undermine me. I know it's paranoid to think like that but I have a hard time catching on when someone is being covertly nasty and I think it's better safe than sorry.