Socializing is so frustrating!

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So I met this girl in my choir and decided I wanted to know her better. I asked her out for coffee and hoped that maybe it could be a date. The coffee went well - we ended up getting so caught up in talking that we didn't even order. When we left, she gave me a hug and said she wanted to do it again.

I didn't realize that some follow up might be expected, like a text a few days later or something. I ended up waiting almost a week, until I saw her at choir again. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't end up saying hi to her until halfway through the rehearsal. We talked briefly, she told me about how she had gone skating for the first time, and casually added that it had been a date. I felt bad but tried not to show it. She ended to conversation and went to refill her water bottle.

I am never able to ask her directly if she wants to go for coffee, I always end up texting her the day after choir, on Tuesday afternoon, to ask if she wants to go again. I did that last Tuesday, and suggested the next day, Wednesday, for coffee, as our previous coffee had been the previous Wednesday. She said she wasn't available but suggested Friday.

On Friday I waited at the coffee shop for 20 minutes, then texted her and she replied that she was home sick. I saw her by chance on Saturday when I was ushering for a play she had come to see, and she apologized for missing coffee. When the play was over and I was standing by the exit as an usher, she left without looking at me or saying goodbye.

On Monday at choir we said hi but not much else. I managed to talk to a few other people, but not her. Maybe she thought I was ignoring her? I texted her on Tuesday to see if she wanted to try coffee since last week she cancelled, but she never answered me.

I don't know what I did. I was just hoping to make a new friend. Maybe I'm sending her mixed signals and she's confused? I don't talk to her much in person at choir because there are so many people there and I don't know what to say. I'm never able to straight out ask her for coffee, except for the first time, when I got her phone number, and even then, I couldn't even look at her while I was asking. When it's just the two of us at the coffee shop though, I am able to talk fine.

The first time we had coffee it was great. Then things kept happening and now she's not answering my text.

I'm frustrated. I have had a few friendships just randomly fall apart, and I can never figure out what I did. A support group (non autistic) that I go to is fond of saying experiences like this are learning experiences and I should accept them as that, but I never seem to learn anything from these experiences. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, so I have no idea what to do differently next time.

It's gotten to the point where I no longer am trying to maintain my friendships. I'm not reaching out to anyone any more.

Sometimes friendships just fade and no one has done anything wrong. Maybe incompatibilities surface or the people involved grow, change and drift apart. There are a myriad of reasons as to why a friendship might come to an end.

If she said she was on a date, it sounds to me as though she may be with someone, or at least interested in someone else, and maybe does not want to lead you on. That would be my guess, but of course I could be wrong.

The other alternative is that she does not feel there is enough compatibility or chemistry between you both to pursue the relationship further.

I was pretty sure that time we had coffee we were compatible. She didn't want to leave, and hugged me, and said we should do it again. I may miss some signals, but those seemed pretty clear to me. It was all the stuff that happened after that I don't understand.

Maybe she doesn't want to lead me on. I will see if there's a way I can communicate that we could just be friends at some point in the future. We really did seem to get along, I don't understand what happened.

It could be that she got the impression you were not interested...

The best thing to do is to try and talk to her about it.

I don't know how to help, but you're not alone. I feel like similar things happen to me so many times.

It sucks. Sorry.

Edit: Maybe this sort of thing happens to NTs as well? I don't know, that doesn't seem too illogical to believe...

Yeah, you are definitely not alone, I have experienced the same types of frustrations with socializing.

One thing I would say is that it's hard in general when you first meet somebody you are interested in romantically, then for whatever reason it doesn't work, and THEN you decide you are open to just being friends. The odds are, she picked up on your romantic interest when you first met and then either really met somebody else (or perhaps wasn't as interested as you were) and so she now feels awkward being with you as she assumes you probably still have that romantic interest. This happens to everybody, NTs included, although most NT guys really have no interest in "just being friends" with women (and that doesn't help your case).

On the positive side, I have made a couple good friends I either dated, then deiced not to date. In both instances, we took some time apart, then realized we had enjoyed each other as friends, then got back together as friends a while later. So it is possible if you just give her some time, you can build a friendship with her (assuming that is what you really want).

In any case, I think you need to decide what it it you want from her and make sure it is utterly clear to her you are not looking for anything romantic (assuming that is true). Then give her space, smile when you see her, and see what eventually unfolds.

Most importantly, (and I always try to tell myself this) remember with dating, it's hard for everyone. It's just a bit harder for us.