Concerned about aspie stepfather to my children...

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Hi,

I will start by saying that I dont know much about aspergers - full stop. My ex-wife married a young man who has aspergers, who is now stepfather to my 2 young (both under 10) children. I suppose what I am after is reassurance, advice or anything to educate me on what is going on....!

Having had 2 long conversations with my wife (an NT? I believe its called?) over the last couple of days, it is quite clear that there appears to be a problem with his behaviour (and of course, not neccessarily caused by him...) It appears that she is not allowed to get depressed/sad because it causes him to become depressed and subsequently loud and unpleasant, and then withdraw. It ended up with a phone call request to drop the kids off earlier than planned over christmas, because she did not want them getting upset with the atmosphere/anger in the house.

My kids appear to have not noticed this particular incident, but having spoken to them, they are aware of his behaviour - and have had many talks from their mum about aspergers. They say that when he reacts he goes to locks himself in his bedroom and wont come out.

I suppose my main concerns is how will this kind of behaviour affect my children. I can see how it is affecting my exwife, who must obviously deal with this in whatever way she feels appropriate for her. Am I unique, in having kids how have a stepdad with aspergers? If i'm not, I would love to hear from other dads/parents in the same situation.

Alternatively, and words of wisdom would be great, if there is a 'dummies guide to aspergers', I would love to hear about.

Please dont think I am prejudiced, but I am ignorant of the condition, and want to educate myself. Primarily I need/want to safeguard my children. I dont think he is violant, and have heard nothing to think that way.

any help, please?

Thanks.

fantastic,

Apparently forum has LOTS of different people on it. Frankly, it seems even psychiatrists don't agree who is AS. You are likely to get all sorts of responses, and I wish I could give you a real good one.

The best I could say is that he is probably harmless. He is probably just overly sensitive, and is sequestering himself just to help himself and others. That beats the tantrums some have.

BTW I believe I have AS, and I may sequester myself, albeit in a far less obvious fashion.

BTW books, like psychiatrists go ALL over the board.

Well, it seems as if "going away" to the bedroom is his coping mechanism and sounds safe enough. Bad moods and disagreements rub off on me too and I appear to be controlling when I react so strongly. The only thing I find disturbing is that your ex-wife is "not allowed" to be upset. Does she control her expressions of moods to please him? That's abusive or codependent or whatever. It's not healthy.
There are various reasons why he retreats. It could be sensory (too loud, too bright, too much movement), it could be a change in routine (sometimes unscheduled events or actions can jar us and make us anxious) or he may just not want to be around that many people at the time. It depends.

I also find "dropping off" the kids because of his mood/disposition disturbing. I mean maybe it's harmless once or twice but she should not be progressively having to protect this guy from her kids or protect her kids from this guy. I would worry if this becomes a habit. They married with the knowledge that he would be parenting these kids, right? He shouldn't be forcing the kids out, then.

But then, I don't know the whole situation. Overall, it sounds like he's making the effort to control his responses.

I am sort of like him, some times I cannot be around people with certain, normal emotions because it makes me anxious.

Hello!

First up, I just want to say how cool it is you're taking the time to find out more about it rather than just freaking out and taking your kids away or something!!

He's probably harmless, but it does seem like it's affecting you all which isn't necessarily a good thing. How do the kids feel about it? What has your ex-wife said? Is she totally ok with it all, or is she slightly concerned about the kids, or what?

Perhaps you should have a talk to him and see if he can explain to you what's going on and a bit more about how he feels about things and his condition - only he can really say what's going on, so maybe finding out from him and expressing your concerns (nicely, ASers can be a little sensitive and very literal!) will help?

I do have AS, but at the same time I've adapted so well to NT society that it's pretty unnoticeable to most people really. I can't say what's going on with this man, but at least if he's withdrawing he perhaps just dealing with overload the best way he can? Often with AS you get 'sensory overload', so if you're an environment you're particularly sensitive to - for example, too noisy/busy/bright/hectic - it can get reeeally unpleasant and you just need to get out of there. Maybe he's finding it tough if the kids are a bit boisterous (not that there's anything wrong with that - kids are kids after all!) and just needs to get away from it for a bit?

Have a chat to him and see if you can gauge it from him!

Good luck.

I commend you for coming here to get more info.

I can answer this from many angles.

As an AS parent. I'm a single parent and I have 2 children who are not at all affected by my strange behaviour. When I get upset I withdraw into my room. I am not violent. I however no longer have another adult here to get on my nerves.

As a former wife of someone with serious issues (psychotic) it can have an affect on the kids. My son started to sleep walk at the age of 8 because of his crazy stepfather.

So my conclusion is that children can be affected by strange behaviour of an unbiological parent, however, I don't think that AS would cause your children any traumatic events in their life, and I think it might be good that they learn that there are people like him in the world. They will grow to be more open minded and compassionate people. Most NTs have their heads in the sand and are educated through movies that depict only the extreme cases of Autism.

There are many books for parents that help them with kids who have autism. I find the more interesting books to be novels, and memoirs of people with autism.

Donna Williams has a couple of books she has written
http://www.donnawilliams.net/filmrights.0.html

I read a book called "Look me in the Eye: My Life with Aspergers" by John Elder Robinson


At this site there are a list of various books on the topic.
http://www.freewebs.com/aspiefrommaine/ ... nglist.htm

You've hit on the two most dangerous aspects of aspie-dom...

Depression and Meltdowns

The well-adjusted aspie will have a way of coping with both that is non-harmful to others.

There are always exceptions of course, just as there are exceptions with normal people.

Make sure that you stay in the picture but otherwise don't panic.

The other posts in this forum seem to be giving you good advice anyway.

People with Asperger's/autism are sponges for the emotions of others; if people feel anxious/depressed and we are able to read it, we become such [in a way].

I assume there was conflict when he pointed out that his partner was anxious/depressed (many people don't like it when you do such); said conflict would have been what made him withdraw after the "fight" (overwhelming emotions that he couldn't handle so he "hid" from the causative agent: partner).

This does not equate to being a violent individual; this just shows our problems with understanding the emotions of others, and our own (we behave differently to "normal" people).

My sources are two psychologists that I've conversed with and my own experience.

i'll give you some god gospel truth right here. never let anyone else raise your kids

Yep, our major flaws,

With women, they tend to over act, because we under respond, we have normal emotions, but do not show them, they want emotional feed back, so they up the game to get it, to and extream, and it seems madness to us, what should be a normal conversation with some feeling, becomes I am going to rip your soul out.

They just wanted someone to tell them their feeling were understood, but when they don't get it, they keep trying, like screaming at me is going to help? So retreat and wait for them to calm down, and then try again.

You are an ex, so you should know her well, they marry a guy because they are sure they can change him. Aspies do not change. He retreats into his room, after a few days I would worry. He is withdrawing because he knows no way of dealing with her.

As for the kids he is probably haveing a reaction to her yelling at him, before the children, and the only path open is retreat. We are known for being considerate of small animals and children.

So she married a guy with few if any social skills, and now is being demanding? I am single, guess why.

Other than that he can be great with computers, a good worker, dependable in every way, and not watch sports on TV. Hardly any of us know anything about sports. Would rather read a good tech manual than watch TV.

What you are reporting is common. Why is this woman who I married, care for, support her and her children, take out the garbage for, yelling at me over nothing? If it keeps up, he will feel like telling her to just shut up, so he will walk out the front door, and never return.

She is your ex, she will ex again. He does react to her, but when he says something, she pounces on that, telling someone that their being depressed/sad, constant whining, is affecting you, is suddenly becomeing being rude, loud, unpleasent, controlling, for no reason, sure it is. Now she wants to drop the kids off early because she is planning some atmosphere/anger for Christmas.

I hope he was smart enough to get a prenup.

There was a book, I married Mr. Spock, about an NT woman who married an Aspie, then told the world how cold and unfeeling he was and how her needs were not met. She should have figured that out before marrying him.

I would say the marriage is doomed.

We do not make eye contact, read faces, body language, or have much social sense at all, few talk sports, or like to be touched, but we are all there. She is treating him like a defective machine. Different, but not defective, her needs are not being met, so she takes it out on him before the children.

I am 61, have had my share of relationships, and have been there before. If she does not start dealing with him in an intellectual manner, instead of emotional, it will end, and the sooner the better. Sometimes I just walked out, other times I changed the locks, and their stuff was packed in boxes on the porch.

I have had women I was interested in start fights just to get me to respond to their emotional needs, the lets fight and make up in bed game, I just walked away.

I would think she needs some ethnic cab driver who will slap her around when she yells at him, both will be taken to jail by the police, and the kids will be dropped on social services, who will dump them on you. That is the way it looks, but she picked a non-responding Aspie who will hide in his room for a while, then leave. We do not deal well with long term useless stress.

This woman is picking a fight, then she will tell the world he has AS, and they are all crazy, and she is perfect in every way. If she was, you would be there with your kids. I would say he is the fall guy in her game. She picked the wrong one, she will be alone again soon.

They say we are self centered, but what I have seen, it is others who demand to be the center of attention through what I can only see as bad behavior. She seems to be ignoring the love and honor parts of marriage vows.

We have problems, we deal with them, and much professional help has been used. What others just get, we have to have explained to us. We make great effort to get along in the world. Now if the world would spend 5% of that dealing with their problems, getting some help for their displaced anger, their emotional demands, blackmail, as it is, we would all do much better. But they are perfect, and it is everyone elses fault, so it goes on and on.

Basically in every human interaction we have to think it through, it does not come natural. With the best advice, a lot of work, and constantly watching our own behavior, we do get by. Most people make no effort at being better humans.

I do not think I am being helpful, I am trying to be truthful. What she is doing is killing her marriage.
Grownups discuss their problems in their bedroom after the kids are asleep. There is no need for yelling, whineing, crying, blaming, that is all self indulgence. No one can be held responsable for another's emotions, and it is just blackmail, feed me or I will destroy everything.

I am not an expert on other conditions, many here are much better, but Narcissicst comes to mind. She loves herself more than she ever loved anyone else, you, him, the children she performs in front of. There is treatment, it can be dealt with.

To me the key is she performs in front of the children, which she should be protecting. She puts her emotional needs before their right to a peaceful life. Her self love will destroy everything around her.

She does seem to be the source of making everyone involved unhappy.

Inventor, your bigotry and misogyny is so overwhelming I can't possibly respond to that. But I guess that's your game. Funny, you blame women for picking fights just to get men to respond, so apparently you've developed this equally ugly defense mechanism of being so astoundingly hateful and cynical that people will just give up rather than respond. No surprise you're alone, but don't blame it on how unreasonable us women supposedly are. At least act like the grown man you pretend to be and be accountable for your own crap. Stop acting like it's only women who can possibly be to blame for how miserible men like you are.

Aspie do change. I've changed, and quite alot in my 36 years. But that's because I've made an effort. I done a lot of hard work and faces a lot about myself, the world, and what it really means to have AS in a NT world. For all your arrogant talk and claims to Aspie eldership, you clearly have not.

It's people like you that make me ashamed to say I'm an Aspie because you hide behind your condition and lie to yourself and others that you cannot be a decent, respectful, accountable human being because you have AS. Your refusal to take responsibility for your life and your attitude has nothing to do with AS. If you wish to surrender your free will to lies, rationalizations and self-pity, fine, you're free to do so. But don't advertise as part of AS. AS doesn't make us miserible, cynical bigots, but we can choose to be if we wish. We can just as easily choose not to be, AS or not.

Note to mods: Inventor more or less advocated physical violence against women in his post (Inventor: "I would think she needs some ethnic cab driver who will slap her around when she yells at him"), so I would appreciate that you keep an eye on him. Not to mention, that comment was also racist.

AspieMartian,

I'd refrain from saying people hide behind their label, especially for something that's as severe as Asperger's/autism; if you're able to interact with the world how they want you to, socially, vocationally and academically, one doesn't have a disorder then.

You neglected the main point: people with Asperger's/autism don't respond to the emotions of others how they expect people to (fact), sure, there'll be people who can as they don't exhibit these symptoms, but for many of us: we don't know how to deal with them. Some of us run away, some of us respond in [confused] kind and some of us kill ourselves.

Too many of us in this world think someone else has to change:

"In this world, there is no one you can change, but your self,
I have stopped trying to change you and am working on my self,
so I can have the self-respect that you require ...

That's my desire, God knows that's my desire !"

Composition by fellow Shiva Kulprit and notorious alpha-hippie Louis B. Gottlieb, (R.I.P. ... I miss you, dear brother, looking to recognize and love you as before, when Death returns you again alive), most well known for his stand-up bass in the folk music trio, the Limelighters

I grew up with an autistic father and brother, and another neuro-atypical brother, and neuro-atypical mother, and an extended family with several kinds of neuro-atypicality in each branch.

And I wasn't more harmed by the autistic ones than the non-autistic ones, so... who knows..

fantastic, I am an NT married to an Aspie with an aspie son, an NT son and a question of a daughter (she isn't quite 2).

My husband experiences depression and meltdowns. They affect my kids, primarily when I am unable to give him a break from humanity and he is forced to continue parenting even during his episodes. When this happens, he turns on the TV for the younger ones and the computer for the oldest and then lays on the couch. As soon as I am able I "relieve him of duty" and he shuts himself in our room until he feels better.

I can see how the episodes affect my kids: they become hyperactive, anxious and begin bickering with each other. However, since your ex's husband is able to sequester himself when he starts an episode, I doubt your kids are experiencing anything other than a lesson in tolerance.

As far as your ex being unable to "have feelings" I've been there too, and eventually she will either learn how to balance her expression of her feelings to her husband, or the marriage will end. Either way, the pressure she feels will be relieved.

I think your kids are very lucky to have a Dad like you.

Inventor....sigh.

well , im 51, and have 4 kids ! ! so i think i can comment on this , my ex left me with all 4 kids 6 years ago to go do drugs i have had to raise them on my own , ages now 23,21,8,10 ! my oldest daughter stays with me to help out with the little ones , what i do when i get overloaded is to just block everything else out ! i concentrate on one thing , book, tv ,or computer , and block everything else out for a while , its my way of coping ! you could start a fire in the house , and i wouldnt notice , when im "zoned " in on one thing ! ! i just recently was Dxd with As and havent talked to my kids yet about it , however , they understand not to bother me when im zoned into one thing ......