Help for my friend

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A year and a half ago I met someone online through twitter who says he has autism. I don't have autism at all. Anyway after talking with him it seems he does not have any friends in real life at all which surprises me. He is 23 years old and spends the majority of his time alone in his parents basement talking with porn stars on twitter and playing video games. It's not just real life friends he is lacking but also online friends. I am practically his only online friend besides his nearly 2,000 other people he follows which are all porn stars. I try to have conversations with him but he seems to be participating less and less over the last few months. When I am able to get him to respond it is usually just 1 word responses. I want to continue to be his friend but how am I supposed to do that when it seems he doesn't care?

Another question I have is are people with autism known to be hypocrites? (you know say one thing but do another?) The reason I ask this is because I ask him what he wants to do with his life. His main goals are that he wants to be famous through videos and to meet a girl to lose his virginity. I ask him why doesn't he go out and try and meet people. He always says he is going to do it "tomorrow" but never ever does it. Also he wants to be famous on youtube. Obviously in order to do that he has to create interesting videos but when asked about his progress with his videos he comes up with excuses like he forgot (how do you forget your life goal?). He seems to think that he does not have to put any effort into anything and that one day he will wake up and be famous and have a girlfriend. I keep trying to tell him this is not how life works but he doesn't seem to understand.

One last thing, He wants a girlfriend badly but I try and tell him girls will not want to date someone who is so obsessed with porn as he is. I try and tell him that he needs to look more presentable on twitter. If a girl was interested in him and saw the things he posts they would run the other way. Are there any girls who can confirm this? Thanks everyone it is much appreciated.

Saying one thing and doing another doesn't make someone a hypocrite. It sounds more like he has a lack of self-awareness.

I don't think he's intentionally saying one thing and doing another.

Here is my experience with friendships. I have a (neurotypical) friend I've known since middle school who puts a lot of effort into being my friend (like most friends). I take forever to get back to her and usually after several attempts at contact on her part. Is that incredibly rude? Yes. But it brings me so much anxiety to talk to her because she has actual thoughts and feelings about me. She really cares about me and sends me stuff and invites me places and listens to me sob on the phone and I just feel like she's misusing her energy. I can't be a good friend to her like she can. I am not sure how to be a reciprocal player in a relationship of any kind. I can be the giver or the receiver (that sounds dirty doesn't it, but no I don't mean it dirtily), I can give and give and give or I can take and take and take but for some reason it is very hard for me to do both with the same person. Too much room for error or something.

One thing I am better at is working alongside someone towards a common goal that is not one or the other of our happiness. If an external thing is the object, great, wonderful, fantastic. Seems like there would be more opportunity to invite him to do something like that in person, do you live anywhere near him? Or could you maybe play online games as a way of interacting?

As for chatting with pornographic stars but not doing anything real-life toward getting the girlfriend he says he wants. I didn't understand that phenomenon before either but I think it might be a manifestation of the fact he may be "programmed" to chase but if he were to actually get something he wouldn't know what to do with it. In fact he wouldn't even know how to get someone, only to chase them until they stop running and he's face to face with them and the only command in his brain is to chase so he will start running after another moving object or being or see if she maybe starts running again or something. I think this is the same trait that causes intense unrelenting pursuit of a special interest (music, math, collecting, etc.). I could be completely wrong here though.

Hes talking about me.

Oh ok. Well you would be able to answer best I guess. (This is a bit awkward...)

How can I continue to be friends with someone who doesn't want to communicate with me? I find it very odd that he would much rather talk to porn stars (who clearly don't care about him at all but I don't think he realizes this) and ask them if there are any new scenes coming out instead of talking to me. Oh well.

I do talk to you.

As you all know us autistics usually think about what we say, im a huge multitasker so when im on the computer or on my iPhone im usually doing two or three things at a time, if i don't answer you just wait.

You are just going to have to be patient, that is all. He's probably unsure of what to do with a *REAL* person as a friend vs. fantasy women, etc. Its going to be a struggle for him.

Sincerely,
Matt

chtucker - just a thought but the issue might be that if you are doing other things while talking to the friend and expect them to wait a long time for you to answer, it can make the friend feel like you don't care about their feelings or that you feel like they are unimportant.

I have some online friends who I talk to whilst I multi-task, they don't seem to mind as they are usually multi-tasking themselves. I usually find it is people who are insecure who seem to need you to answer them the second they type in a reply.

Personally, as I have other things to get done (especially since I started studying for my degree) I don't have hours and hours just to sit and do nothing but chat so therefore I find it easier to talk to people who don't need constant attention, who are busy themselves or who don't think that, just because I take a few minutes to answer them, that I don't like them or care.

If they want completely involved chats then they need to wait until I have spare time on my hands.

I recently lost several online contacts because I wanted to study when they wanted to chat...but the contacts I do have left are much more compatible with me in their communication demands and style, so it was probably best that I did part company (so to speak) with the others. It sounds harsh, and I am not as harsh as I sound, but the way I see it is that this may be my last chance to complete my degree and I have the rest of my life left to make friends...so do I want to jeopardise my studies simply to make chit chat when I should be working? No. I was a little sad over their loss for a while but you get over it.

Anyway, my point is that, just because you don't talk to someone constantly, or answer them straight away, it does not mean that you don't care.

Not everyone can multi-task while they are having a conversation. I can't do other things while I'm talking or listening to someone else talk. And some people can do it, but they still prefer not to because they want to be fully engaged in the conversation.

I have been in chats with people who were doing other things while chatting, and I didn't even realize it until they would suddenly disappear for 10-15 minutes. I would be left sitting there at the computer wondering WTH happened!? People need to be up front with others and let them know if you're doing other things while chatting, because they may not be. They might be giving you their full attention, and it's really rude and disrespectful if you're making them wait. I hate having my time wasted waiting for someone else to reply, when I could be doing other things.

I make it clear to people that I multi-task whilst carrying on conversations in my initial communications with them. I prefer to be straight up with people, therefore if they do not like my style of communication they can decide for themselves if I am someone they want to talk to. These days it is the only way I can fit any social chit chat in...