Autism Spectrum Pride, Shame, and Compromise

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It seems as if some beings on the spectrum may let traits pervade their existence more than necessary, or, on the contrary, have some form of shame or aversion and put too much emphasis on assimilating.

I have only been diagnosed less than 18 months, and felt overwhelmed with relief and some sort of pride. It has since been compromised to a significant increase in self-esteem, with an effort to retain modesty and humility, and decreased self-loathing. AS or ASD seems like a much nicer, concise way to describe me than "touchy introverted a______" There may be some disagreement pertaining to the necessity level of disclosing to others that you have an ASD, but it can be helpful in certain scenarios. And concise!

The biographical information seems intrinsic to my current opinion, that those on the spectrum should feel good about themselves to an extent while making an effort to compromise, understand, and coexist with NTs. The desire for awareness can seem selfish without an earnest ambition to meet the alternatively neurologically configured beings halfway, or some approximation thereof.

Sorry if this topic has been beaten to death or previously abundantly clarified.

I feel like assimilating is my only option.

Disclosing that I have AS wouldn't work. I feel like the reactions of others would mostly be negative, meaning they would either:
1. not understand
2. have some idiotic AS stereotype in their head that they apply to me, and then treat me differently
3. think I'm a liar
The list goes on and on.

For the time being, I try to adapt where I want to. I keep many of my eccentricities, but I know how to "pass" for an NT pretty well these days, if I need to. I still would rather act the way I like, i.e. little to no eye contact, things like that, and I do act this way, but I know that there are some situations where it is beneficial to assimilate as much as possible. Around my friends, though, I can (mostly) be myself. They're quite used to my quirks.

This is exactly why I don't like to tell my friends about it. I am kind of in denial I suppose. I am quite lucky because I can hide my symptoms and can easily appear normal to other people, just maybe a bit quirky, shy, or odd at times. But that isn't enough to suspect an ASD. A lot of people have suspected learning difficulties, and also anxiety disorder. I have average intelligence but can appear slower than most people. And everybody has a talent, not just Aspies. So when I say I can play the piano, people don't suddenly think I'm really clever. They just say, ''oh, can you? Yeah, my [relative/friend] can play the piano too....'' because playing the piano is not something you have to be Aspie or genius to do. Anyway, I knew a person with true learning difficulties, but could perform amazing music on the piano, and was excellent at it, much more better than me.

Anyway, let's get back to the topic. I am no Autism-accepter. I kind of have accepted a little since I was a child, but I am still not happy with it. I know that being NT is not all it's cracked up to be, and it's not as great as WP seems to make it out to be, and I don't know many NTs who embrace their social skills because they're just taking it for graunted, and most people, if not everybody finds something to be miserable about, even millionairres, so I don't think I will ever be 100-percent satisfied whoever I am, NT or not. But as an Aspie, I keep on looking around and seeing what I am missing out on, and it makes me feel very miserable. And I would just love to have more better social skills without having to make all the effort and feeling anxious about it. The fact ''you will always appear quite odd to everyone you meet'' also makes me feel panicky because I keep wondering what this would mean later on in life. I may be OK having the odd conversation with someone or doing the odd small talk, but when that person actually gets to know me and spends more time with me outside of work or wherever we met, then they might start to notice something odd about me. Some people end up criticising, others end up acting all funny towards me, and others just stop contacting me, ending it in a confusing way and making me feel like I must have done something wrong - then making me feel like I'm a bad person. But I've just got to remember - I am not a bad person, I'm just an unlucky person.

I grew up in the time when being Autistic was seen as a shame, possible form of Mental Retardation or psychosis.. You name it. VERY NEGATIVE.
My impulse is to hide/deny it.
But my AS traits do leak out at times.
I'm not really proud, just learning to accept it. And get rid of all these negative sterotypes!

Ciao,
Matthew

I had lots & lots of problems most of my life & was called retorted a lot when I was in school. My mom asked my GP if I could be autistic when I was a toddler but he just laughed & said "Nick's just being Nick". I didn't know what autism or As was till after I graduated high-school when my mom told me she thought I had AS. I tried to get an official diagnoses when I was about 21 but the psychs/docs & other experts I saw think autism & AS is like a less sever form of mental retardation; I was told I communicated too well verbally & seemed too intelligent to have anything on the autism spectrum. I've met a couple parents of supposedly autistic kids & those kids seem to be more mentally retorted than autistic. There was an article in the paper about an autistic women around here about a year ago & the article described her as being in her 30s or 40s & having the brain of a 5year-old. I don't really try to hide my AS issues because I never really been able to but I do NOT tell people offline I have it either due to the ignorance of it in my area. I tell people I'm Dyslexic & have ADHD because I've been diagnosed with that sense I started school but I don't really talk about or try to explain my mental stuff with people offline. I try to function & deal with situations as best I can & I let others think what they will because they have all my life anyways.