Plucked up courage to make more eye contact with strangers

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I used to walk with my head down and not look at anybody, which made me feel like they were all looking at me and it was getting me more anxious and upset. But just yesterday something happened to make me change my mind. I was walking along with my mum and her sister, and almost everybody who passed said hello to them and not to me. I got really upset, and took it personally, being so nobody ever says hello to me as they pass but always do to my mum and especially her sister, and what made it worse was both my mum and her sister are both shy people, very anxious and stressed inside and not keen on other people, but still got hellos from people who passed. So when I saw my uncle I told him what was bothering me, and he said it's because I walk with my head down and never attempt to make eye contact or even acknowledge people, and that it's not something you have to do but you have to do it if you want people to be friendly to you. I knew he wasn't criticising because he was absolutely right, and if he was criticising, he was criticising about the right thing.

So today when I was walking out with my mum I made myself make eye contact with everyone who passed, and I noticed a big difference. Nobody said hello but they didn't say hello to my mum either, but they either glanced at me and smiled, or just glanced quickly and looked ahead. And I noticed that people aren't staring at me as much as I thought. In fact I saw them looking at my mum more than at me. But I haven't tried this when walking on my own yet, and I'm a bit nervous because I hope I don't wuss out and go back to walking with my head down again and missing the reality of what people are really thinking. I know I probably will. But I was hoping that if I don't wuss out of it, after a few weeks or months of making eye contact with strangers, it might become a habit of looking at people subconsciously, and then the anxiety of it might go away and I can finally be free of that anxiety again.

Has this happened to anyone else? Has it worked on you? Is actually looking at people a good way of conquering your fears and anxieties of people looking at you? If it does, that will be great.

I've just started a CBT course, but surely that hasn't worked already - I've only been on it 4 days and read one book. I haven't even got to the actual point yet.

i've tried doing this too, but find it hard to know if i'm doing it normally or creepily. i like looking at the floor when people are around

You may be opening yourself up to derision and disdain from others who may in fact be hurtful. An aspie needs to protect themselves from the greater public, hence your looking downward. Now a quack wants you to look up.....

I will continue to keep to myself

I look at people when I walk. Eye contact isn't a problem for me and hasn't been since around my teens. I don't normally get derision and disdain fro others out of the blue. Most people don't, even aspies. Sure, there are a**holes who mess with us, but they mess with lots of other people too. One jacka** who is rude or says something he intends to be hurtful doesn't matter in the big picture. They don't know me and have no influence or control over the rest of my day. It's taken me a long time to actually being able to feel that way even though I intellectually understood it. Walking around with a fearful posture and attitude will just make you a target for those who get their kicks making fun of people. It will convey to them that you care so much what other people think of you.

I walk around like everyone else, looking ahead of me. Ill glance at someone who passes and nod, or smile, I might say "hey". Nothing bad has ever come of it. Some speak back or smile back, some don't. It has nothing to do with me if they don't. They don't not do it back because of some bad thoughts about me, it's just how they are. I do it because thats what people do.

You cannot make a blanket statement that an aspie needs to protect themselves from the greater public because that isn't true. You may have a need to protect yourself from the greater public and not look at people and many others may have that same need, but I, as well as many others, do not have that need and as far as we are concerend, there isn't anything to protect ourselves from. The need for that depends on a lot of things. The statement you made would be like saying "an aspie cannot drive a car" or "an aspie cannot get a job" or "an aspie can never get married" etc. There are no blanket statements for what aspies can and can't do or what aspies do and don't need. The only blanket statement that applies to all aspies is that was have AS, which effects each and every one of us in different ways and to different degrees in different areas of our lives.

mmmmokay

I tend to bore right through the skull of someone I make eye contact with. I have to remember to look away.

Lol I always say "hello" to them because otherwise I would be staring like a madman and have no excuse for it other than "creepin". People passing by at work, that is. Over here in belgium people are known to be scary starers even if they don't mean it, it's baked in our genes lol and personally I stare a lot because I am curious and at the same time have really bad eye-sight, so it fights against each other, making me look like total idiot.

Well first of all, good for you. Keep it up. I used to be the same way and now I have overcompensated and tend to make too much eye contact too many times. But dont let that discourage you, the positive far outweighs any negatives. Like OliveOil said walking around with a fearful posture and attitude can make you a target but that goes for everyone. Aspie or not, everyone needs to protect themselves. If possible, work on posture at the same time or you can do it once your a little more comfortable with the eye contact, whatever works for you.

If your interested: Head up, shoulders back, chest up to the sky. Walk with a purpose and SMILE. Dont worry about looking ridiculous at first, just have FAITH if you do it enough, it will become a habit. Sorry to get off topic, but I just want to get you thinking about the whole picture. Because heres the deal, what good is eye contact if everything else is betraying it. I learned this the hard way. Good luck!

I walk with my head down but that is partly because if I don't keep an eye on the ground I might trip over an uneven sidewalk or my own feet or nothing. I also don't want to be bothered and wear sunglasses when I go out just so I don't have to make eye contact with people.

Word!

^^^ LOL, i thought I was the only one that still says that.

You're doing well, Joe. Keep it up!

I find this too. People seem to react to me when I look at them. Maybe this is normal, but I hate "connecting" with people in this way. I would rather be unobserved.

Out in public, no, don't make eye contact. I live in a big city, so it doesn't matter too much. I always do at work, unless I'm very stressed and upset. I actually need to work on doing it in social settings. The close friends I have are used to me not looking at them, but I would like to widen my social circle. It would be easier to do that if I looked at people more when socialising in a group.

Congrats, Joe. I wish you well and hope that even if you have a few setbacks you will continue attempting.

I was born and raised here in Texas, so "southern hospitality" has been ingrained in me since I was born. It still irks me when people in line at a grocery store, for instance, always try to strike up a friendly chit-chat conversation about the weather, or something. I've had to learn not only giving friendly eye contact, but a carefully planned friendly word or two that keeps me from sounding rude, but also gets the other person to leave me alone as quickly as possible. I have friends that eat it up, though, so when a stranger starts up a conversation I try to back away slowly and let them two talk to their heart's content.

Being able to give a look, a friendly smile and just say, "hi," in passing is about all it takes. It reminds me of a scene from Gone With The Wind when Scarlett and Rhett are taking their baby out in the stroller along the walkway, and everyone passing by on the street give a nice greeting to Rhett and a typically formal greeting to Scarlett (more formal for her, because the people don't like her much because they see her as a spoiled brat, yet they still feel the social obligation of acknowledging her existence).

I'm not even going to bother reading the replies after Surfman's. You've got to remember Joe has social phobia and if she feels better making eye contact then so be it. CBT is a great way to overcome social phobia. I hope it works out well for you.

Eye contact can be hard for other people on the spectrum because of many other reasons. Either it's distracting and making you mishear or mess up your words or it physically hurts.

It's a distraction for me because there are a lot of emotions in the eye which I can't correctly read. I can't explain things well unless I look away. Either peoples eyes look warm and calm or sharp and intense. Sometimes just looking at the eyes can make them stick out and look weird.
I do make eye contact sometimes though, just never naturally.

Most time I look up or to the side or down to find an object to focus on so I don't get sensory overload. On medication I can look straight ahead, even at people.

keep going, Joe. If you want to feel welcomed by people then it does help to look at people. I looked at my house mate for the first time yesterday and didn't feel anything from it so I looked away.