Am I being unreasonable expecting him to get a job?

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Hi there. I'll try and keep this brief - hard when there is so much background but will do my best!

I'm pretty sure my other half has Asperger's. He can tell you the flag of any country and the currency and government. He can identify aeroplanes and a lot of cars and will announce the name, engine type and year when he sees them, interrupting whatever I am saying as though I was not speaking. His idea of relaxation is taking his book of flags or kings and queens ines of succession to the bathroom for an hour or so. I joke to him that some men have porn, he has his maps and flags. He doesn't see the funny side.

His eye contact is appalling. He'll look at you when he is speaking but the minute I start to respond, he is looking away, fiddling, pacing, getting up to do something else. edging out the door. Even if he asked me for an opinion -which is rare as usually conversation involves him telling a historical fact or describing something that happened to him when he was a child.

His general knowledge is INCREDIBLE. When I first met him, it was his professor like intelligence that hooked me in. He comes across as so wordly and yet so innocent and boyish at the same time. Took me a long time to see that beneath the sharing of his areas of expertise, there is very little conversational flow. I have learned so much interesting stuff from him, he makes a fantastic tour guide and in that particular social setting, is a social hit.

He is also fascinated by languages and has bought pretty much every Eye Witness Guide on various countries. He reads them like the computer on Short Circuit - scanning the pages and moving his lips and committing them all to memory. The lip moving and muttering when he reads in bed at night drives me round the bend! He also does this thing with his fingers when he is watching tv or relaxing that I know I should ignore but gets right on my nerves.

He places a huge importance of certain possessions. He's not materialistic but has trinkets or things of sentimental value that if you touch or god forbid, accidentally break, he goes through the roof!

He has a TERRIBLE temper. Yelling at the top of his voice, shouting in my face, pushing past me, little digs with elbows and knees in bed at night when angry. A few weeks ago, in one of his worst fits of rage yet, he snatched the laptop off me and very roughly dragged my by the arm and leg and threw me onto the floor. He says he pulled me off the sofa.

We've been together 10 years.Incredible really as has been hard work since day one. He can be so lovely and has what I call 'vision' - an appreciation for art, culture, museums, travel - all the stuff I'm into. But we have always these huge blow outs when he would shut down, yell, behave hideously and then instead of apologising, give me the silent treatment for days and then one day just get up and carry on like everything was normal.

GET TO THE POINT, GORILLA! - ok, point is, we had a baby together last year. She is utterly lovely and I know her loves her to bit. I truly don't believe he lacks feelings, he loves very intensely. He used to teach and I believe he was a passionate and inspiring teacher as he lives and breathes his subject. The school that he worked at though was very results orientated and being very literal, he was unable to cut corners when told to mark thoroughly and would frequently work until 2am marking. I admired his work ethic whilst rolling my eyes at the fact that he couldn't find a quicker, less literal way of towing the school's line.

Anyway, he got very burnt out - would mark til the early hours and then insist on getting up at 5am so he could have 2 hours to himself before going into work and do his shower, shave, newspaper process that he likes to do each day.

So, when our daughter was 4 months old, he quit his job. Didn't tell me, I found out (I am ashamed to admit this), by reading his diary. He didn;t have anything else lined up. I was on maternity leave so we didn't have any much money coming in and we have just bought our first place so have to pay the mortgage. He denied it/ refused to tell me whether he actually or not when I confronted him. This went on for about 3 months. It messed with my head as I kept hoping he had just written it but not actually done it. Turned out he had.

Over the school summer holidays, he was v laidback about applying for jobs and said if the worst came to the worst, he could always supply teach. The when term stated back, he was v laidback about phoning the agency. In fact, since September, he has only worked 3 days. Three days!! ! He's not been out of work over 6 months. I took voluntary redundancy from job so I could enjoy a bit more time at home with our daughter but that money is having to go to paying the mortgage as he has run out of money.What happened to the hardworking man with a great (if rather literal) work ethic that I had fallen in love with?

I have started doing cleaning and teaching English from home to make a bit of extra money. This has not been easy as he was totally and utterly and completely hands off with our daughter so I have been doing that on top of caring for our daughter and running the home and dealing with the anxiety of losing a roof over our heads. I'm now looking for a job as can't afford to stay at home any longer.

People have asked why don't I let him stay at home and look after our daughter instead. The answer is because although he loves her dearly, and will not let her come to any harm, he rarely rarely leaves the house. He didn't take her out the house on his own until she was 5 mnths old. The next time was at 7 months. In fact, he has only taken her out on his own about 20 times in her 15 months of life. And each of these tines has been a battle.

Since he is at home all day, I though he might help round the house, take her out to some babygroups - lots of Dads go. I always ask him and he just says 'no. I don't want to'. I'll watch her but I'm not taking her out'. He just can't seem to udnerstand that having a child means putting their needs before yours. I really believe that it would negatively affect her social development if she was left with him all day as he tends to pat her on the head, kiss her and then go back to his newspaper/ tv show/ laptop.

So, I am going spare. He is starting to get on the case applying for jobs since the New Year but surely, in the meantime, he can go out and do a bit of work - doesn't have to earn megabucks but just to bring some cash in as we are sinking and going to lose our home. I keep begging him to join a temping agency, doesn't even have to be a teaching one and he keeps saying he'll phne them tomorrow and hten not doing it.

Most annoying thing is he acts like I am a nagging harridan from hell/ unreasonable b***h (al his words) going on and on and on at him. Does he really think it is unreasonable of me to expect him to work? And that it is none of my business what he does? He is adamant by the way that he does not have Aspergers.

Advice please, anyone. (if you haven't dropped on the floor with boredom at this vvv long post. failed miserably at being concise, didn't I?!)

you are right. he needs to get a job.

You are not being unreasonable, in-fact I would wager your husband realizes this too.


I am in almost the same position as your husband, out of work for a long period, unable to handle social functions, I prefer to stay at home and learn about whatever I fancy at the moment. Here is my perspective, I hope it helps, I get incredibly frustrated if I can not do something to a level acceptable to the standard I know I am capable of. For example if I can not do something properly I don't even want to attempt it.


This always causes me to lose my jobs, and once lost (be it from me quitting or otherwise) I am severely discouraged and feel that I shouldn't even bother trying again. So I procrastinate.


If it were not for the constant nagging of my wife I don't know were I would be today. There I said it.... Although at the time I resented her and gave her a hard time, I know that without her help I would be in far worse shape than I am in today.



I am not sure if that helps but I hope it does. Anyways if you want you can get him to message me it sounds like we are struck from the same mold.

There are some excerpts by some philosophers (I can't recall who), and I also advocate for this position: utilize your situation.

If you want to grind down to the logistics of it, someone with MS and autism or MS and some other problem, probably doesn't have a good chance of getting a job - especially right now. So the same would go for your Husband - because he has/think he might have autism. Which would make it very difficult to find employment. The reason I mention MS is because MS is a severe disability that prevents someone from working - but doesn't make it impossible. Finding work isn't impossible. Finding work as a physical trainer might be impossible.

But what's stopping him? I mean physically? Is someone holding him back from going out the door to apply for work? He could start off volunteering at a flag store, or a library working in the history section or something like that - and it could blossom into part time employment. Part time employment is preferred by lots of aspies, who can't find full time employment in the field of their passion(s).

I would consider volunteering, and to work together with your husband rather than expressing pent up - what it seems to be - rage.

I assume that you want him to find a job because you're tired of seeing someone you love, doing practically nothing with their life. I assume that you don't feel as attracted to your husband as you once did. I assume that his drive and his passion don't seem to shine through - but I can assure you it's there. Obviously it's there. He talks about it all the time from what you've said.

I see two huge problems here, neither of which can be easily resolved.

The more recent of these, is the job issue and the resultant financial stresses and the possibility of the loss of your home. Horrible to contemplate at any time, but especially with a baby in the family. You are being entirely reasonable in expecting him to do what he said he would do and look seriously for supply work, or indeed any work in the meantime to keep a roof over your heads and provide for you all. You are doing what you can to bring money in, and have set aside your own desire to spend time at home with your daughter to provide as best you can.

The second huge problem, and I think the more serious of the two because it is of longer duration and has been tolerated by you (in that you haven't left him because of it) is his terrible temper. Not only have you dealt with years of verbal and physical "digs", silent treatment, huffing and a failure to acknowledge or discuss his issues, this has recently escalated to physical violence against you.

If you are to remain together, then you really need to be able to address these issues, the second first I would think, as it may well link into the first.

Do you think he would go to counselling with you?

Do you have friends or family nearby to whom you can turn for emotional support or a refuge if need be?

I mentioned counselling, which I believe is essential. If he won't go, then I recommend that you go on your own. Counselling can be expensive and I realise that your finances are in dire straits right now, but you can access good quality counselling services through churches. These are usually based on donations and you give what you can when you can. I was able to get counselling on that basis. Donations were made anonymously and I gave what little I could when I could.

@ WhiteWidow: the OP's desire for her husband to find work is founded on primarily financial considerations. They took on a mortgage when he was in work, and unless he starts bringing in income again they may lose their home. I don't hear rage in her post, but I do hear understandable worry, frustration and desperation about this situation.

I think that your husband should get a job.

Apartments are available. Liquidating assets is an option. (i.e. the home, car)

Sometimes you have to downgrade, and take a step back and look at the real issues - which is obviously their strained relationship

I think a major question that needs to be addressed is: have you spoken with your husband about the things you've mentioned in this thread? If he is an aspie, and it seems probable, it's likely that he doesn't even realise he's doing wrong.

I would recommend confronting him. If he tries to disregard the issue, tell him you have a problem and ask him if he cares enough about your happiness to address it. Make it very clear why you are upset and make it very clear that he has a choice whether to make it better or not. Make it very clear that you're not willing to accept the relationship as it stands and that it is his actions that are causing the problems. Tell him you love him and that you don't want your relationship to end like this. If, after seeing the seriousness of the situation, he still disregards your problems and refuses to take action to make things better, well you've done all you can and he's not worthy of your loyalty.

As a manchild who has been in a similar situation to your husband and exhibited the same behaviour, I would say clarity is the most important thing in resolving the situation, and an ultimatum can be a welcome reality check.

There's one more thing I think you may need to consider. It's down to you to decide whether you think your husband is significantly depressed and using avoidance techniques in his confusion to delay responsibility. If it seems likely, you'll need to decide whether or not you're capable of trying to help him out. Depending on how long you've had to deal with his irrational behaviour, you might not have any patience left and, alarmingly, you might find that you don't care about his emotional state as much as you used to. If the thought of helping him through depression seems more like a chore than instinct, then there might be nothing you can do.

If you think he may be depressed, and you decide you want to help him, I don't think it would be wise to confront him directly about the issue, but the relationship talk I first mentioned would be beneficial. From there, it would be a matter of laying off the nagging for a while and trying to reforge a close enough bond so that he'd tell you how he's feeling. Sometimes it's appropriate to tell someone what they should be doing; other times, what they need is to feel loved and cared about. With enough digging, it's likely you'll find out he feels there's something missing in him or in his life.

I hope this helps in some way and I wish you and your husband good fortune.

I am no psychology expert, but I think your husband has bipolar depression, not Asperger's. Or perhaps he has both? The violence you described when he got really angry has me concerned for you and your child. He may say he won't let anything happen to your daughter, but he obviously has an anger issue that needs to be addressed immediately. The best thing for him to do is to go to a real psychology expert and let him or her diagnose the problem. Whatever he has, he needs help. NOW. There are medications available to reduce or eliminate the symptoms of depression, so there is no excuse for him to not take care of whatever he has.

When you ask him to get a psychological evaluation, make it all about you. "I am concerned about this, and I would feel a lot better if you would go and see someone about it." This should make it easier for him to swallow. If he refuses to go and get diagnosed, then you must leave him. At this point you must put your child first, above your husband. Your child is currently in danger, and you need to do something about it. If you don't, you are guilty of child endangerment, and you will be just as guilty as he is if he does something out of anger one day to hurt your daughter. - LJS

Okay, the first part is classic for violence. The person committing the violence understates and minimizes the degree of the violence.

The second part, where he sulks for days and then pretends like nothing has happened, I just don't know. My dad does this, and I think of him as the anti-Aspie. My mom is clearly on the spectrum, and my dad I think having some good traits but in the end, not respectful to my mother (kind of like a Chinese zodiac recommends not to marry certain personality types). So, your husband might be just an intensely intellectual fellow and not Aspie.

The violence is serious. He has issues. A trial separation is not entirely off the table. It doesn't mean for all time. It is a pause in the relationship. It is a statement that he has a problem he needs to take responsibility for and address.

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Okay, the job thing is tough. My guess would be for the school, they say they want people to do all this, but they really just want people going through the motions and the appearance of all that. So, it's jarring, as a sincerely intellectual person, to find out that most of the world operates this way. Speaking personally, that my skills don't translate in most work places, but they do in some. (and it wasn't until my 40s that I kind of developed skills of skimming)

Good luck in what is obviously a very difficult situation. Please consider us as one of your available resources.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 23 Jan 2012, 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, you're right, both about downgrading being an option and the real issue being the relationship.

I also agree with Vanis and LongJohnSilver that his mental health may, is almost certainly a factor in this which must be addressed.

My now ex husband had a terrible temper too. He would lash out verbally, call me the most horrible names, rage at me, shout right in my face and once, when or son was a baby smashed up furniture and put his fist through the glass panel in a door I was standing next to. I had to pick a piece of glass out of my arm, and I was holding our son at the time. Other times, it was the silent treatment.

Then, sometimes only hours later, sometimes days later, calm would be restored. I would be completely traumatised and for him it was as if nothing had happened.

I have given this a lot of thought over the years, and I see this as a total lack of empathy. Lack of empathy in that he simply has no conception of other people as being separate from him. He felt ok, so I was ok. For me to feel differently would be as astonishing to him as his big toe feeling differently.

For someone like that, it's not a matter of "pretending" that everything's back to normal. For them it is back to normal and what is for them must be for others. It's really hard to explain, but I experienced so much just head f*ck stuff like that and that's how I came to realise it works. It's not malicious, not intentional, just the way it is.

That doesn't mean to say though that the traumatising behaviours, the aggression and the violence are inevitable. They are not, and if he can't or won't recognise that those behaviours are unacceptable and must stop, then I agree with the others who say that the OP must very seriously consider ending the relationship. Even if he isn't violent towards their daughter it is wrong for her to grow up seeing her father treating her mother in that way.

Two options that I can see:

1.He gets a job and help for whatever is causing his anger issues.

2.You get out of there and protect you and your child, and to hell with him.

Okay, as far as the depression angle,

A regular doctor like an internist or family practitioner can just as well prescribe an anti-depressant as a psychiatrist, and this may be more acceptable to your husband. As I have read, the treatment of depression is trial and error in a respectful sense anyway. For example, something like Zoloft might work great for some patients, and not do a thing for others. And so, more than theoretical brilliance, what is needed is staying light on the feet. And being willing to try a third, fourth, or fifth medication if needed.
"Treating depression can be hit or miss (2009 article)"
http://ftp.wrongplanet.net/postt163505.html

Maybe with lack of positive effect on the environment with his job, he got in a downward spiral.

and/or lack of morning sunlight.

Of course, none of this justifies the violence

And maybe he doesn't. There are many other things that can mimic it. Quite possibly your husband is suffering from type of depression or mid life crisis. Whatever the issue, it doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight in the relationship or as a parent.

He should either be a stay at home father who puts the child first and that includes taking her out regularly, and cleaning, preparing meals, etc. Or he should go out and be the primary bread winner. Or at the very least you two should split these responsibilities.

Honestly, and I'm not recommending this necessarily, but this is just not a situation I would be pleasant about at all, even if my partner had AS, and I would probably get to the point where my addressing of the situation would not be mistaken for nagging. In other words, I would likely give some sort of angrily phrased ultimatum.

Alternatively I would recommend he get counseling but I get the impression he would not be receptive to this.