Imagination, creativity and a stunning self-revelation...

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Hey, there!

I haven't posted here for a long while, so I'll make a brief re-introduction:

I am 25 years old, and am positive that I have Asperger's, but have never been formally diagnosed. I first heard of Asperger's when a co-worker asked me if I had it upon noticing that I stared at her hairline during conversation. At the time, I brushed if off. I later went to see a psychiatrist for something unrelated, and toward the end of our sessions (I stopped going because I couldn't afford it), she had mentioned her suspicions that I may have it, as well. Afterward, I did a little research, and while some things definitely clicked, others, such as a lack of emotion (I am in emotional overdrive constantly) and lack of imagination just didn't fit. A couple years later, and long into my first major relationship, I went online to search for 'hyperemotional' or something like that, and was surprised that an article related to Asperger's came up. I delved back into research, and this time came to the absolute conclusion that Asperger's described me exactly; well, almost. There was still that imagination thing...

Well, today, driving to pick up my brother, I suddenly had a revelation about my so-called imagination. I've always considered myself to be imaginative and creative, as I'm an excellent writer (so I've always been told), can draw well, am a filmmaker and photographer, and recalled engaging in imaginative play as a child. However, as I realized today, none of these traits are as they seem:

Writing: I won a storytelling contest in elementary school, and again in middle school. They were both horror stories. What I realized today, however, was that they were both blatant rip-offs of stories I had read or movies I've seen. The story from middle school I recall for sure was essentially the plot of Halloween 6. I didn't intentionally plagiarize or anything...I don't even think I realized where I'd gotten the story when I was writing it. Since then, I've written several screenplays, for which I received excellent marks in school (enough so that my professor called me into his office privately to commend my achievement). However, each and every screenplay I've written has been nearly exactly based on my own experiences. None of them are original in the sense that I had to create situations and characters...they were things that I already knew. Family and friends have always been surprised that I didn't pursue writing as a career, but I've always hated writing, but never knew why, since I'm pretty decent at it. Now I realize that it's incredibly tedious and draining for me to try and invent things to say.

Drawing: Used to be one of my favorite hobbies. I would carry a sketch book with me everywhere. What I would also carry was photographic references. I can look at something and draw it to near perfection, but I can not, in any way, draw something from memory or just create something in my mind to draw. When I try to draw without reference, it looks like a kindergartener with no artistic inclinations scribbled it on the page. Also, when I draw people, the entire outline of their bodies and all looks just right, where you could tell who it was if you knew the person well enough, but I could NEVER draw facial features. Whenever I tried, the drawing would be ruined...it would look nothing like the person. For this reason, I have one sketchbook full of faceless people. In terms of drawing, I always referred to myself as 'the carpenter, not the architect."

Filmmaking/Photography: I'm a film editor. While this is a creative job, yes, it's also something that utilizes existing footage...images that someone else created, that I then piece together to tell a cohesive story. I'm great at details...so I love editing for continuity, and have a good feel for pacing of a film. However, I'm terrible on set as a director or cinematographer...sometimes I'll have excellent ideas for shots, but I got those ideas from other movies (movies are my special interest, btw). As for photography...I have a great eye for it, but I'm taking pictures of things that already exist. I've never created a set or arranged a photograph, as such. I just go out into the world and take pictures of people and things, and have won awards for it. However, if asked to take family portraits for someone, I panic and immediately decline. I would have no idea how to arrange people in a photograph.

Imaginative Play: I always distinctly remembered playing 'house' or 'school' with my sister and cousins, and also playing with a set of rubber toy zoo animals that I had. However, now I realize that when we played house, I would always be the dog, and when playing school, despite being the oldest, I would be a student, just sitting and reading a book. When I played with my rubber animals, I would build houses for them out of different toys or items in my environment, then put them in the homes, and that's it. I never made up conversations for them to have, or social interactions at all. I never played with barbies or any 'human' toys that would require imaginative socializing. In fact, I painted my sister's barbies and would dress them up, but that's it.

Speaking of dressing up...I've always been very interested in fashion. That may seem strange for someone with Asperger's, but that's something else I realized today. I love looking at fashion and when someone is wearing a great outfit, I notice, and when someone is wearing a terrible outfit, I also notice. The ironic, Asperger's bit of this is...I'm one of those people usually wearing a terrible outfit. I KNOW when I see an outfit that it looks good, but I have no idea how to pick out clothes or dress myself similarly.

Anyway, sorry this was so long (I think I wrote a text message this length the other day, haha). Just wanted to share that I finally kind of realized that last piece of my puzzle, and would love to hear from others with similar experiences.

Have you taken any of the online psych tests that are linked for us at the top of the discussion fora? They seem pretty accurate imho.

I spent fifty years painting and taking photographs. I studied painting in college and got an MFA degree... and won a prize on graduation. I had several shows. But, I could never carry on the conversations, and get comfortable with the gallery owners and buyers. Recently, I realized that I never take photos of people. NEVER. The photos above were all taken in the last ten years, but I recently looked at fifty boxes of slides I took in the 60s when I spent nine months in Europe. NO photos of people are in there either.

I'm almost the opposite...I rarely take pictures of anything BUT people. However, these are typically candid photos or I see someone in a situation that would make a good picture, and tell them to stay how they are. I just don't take planned portraits. I find pictures of people to be the most fascinating, but also like very interesting landscapes. Here is a link to one of my favorite photos that I've taken: SeaSk8

I have taken the tests, my results are below:

Broad Autism Phenotype Test (BAP): 96 aloof, 105 rigid, 93 pragmatic (Autistic)
Alexithymia: 114 (lower Alexithymia range)
Autism Quotient (AQ): 34/50 (Aspie range)
Empathizing Quotient (EQ): 32 / Systematizing Quotient (SQ): 68 (Extreme Systemizing / Asperger’s or High-Functioning Autism)
Emotional Intelligence Test: 60/100 (basic understanding)
Highly Sensitive Person Test (HSP): 23 (Highly Sensitive, possible AS or HFA)
Mind in the Eyes: 29 (typical understanding of facial expression)
Aspie Test: Aspie: 135/200 / Neurotypical: 82/200 (very likely an Aspie)

Self notes on tests:

I tend to understand what other people are thinking or feeling, but have trouble understanding my own thoughts and feelings.

Have a good understanding of what should be done in some situations, but the thought of doing those things make me feel overwhelmed or anxious.

Can understand facial expressions incredibly well, but test was VERY hard...had to continuously look away because I felt uncomfortable.

Oh cool!

I really like tumblr! followed you and I like skating pics too... I just dont take pics of people doing it but I like them... and I like pics of people too.

http://f0rtylegz.tumblr.com/

This sounds similar to me..

As far as writing only about things that happened to you, I think that's how all the truly great stories are written. Write about what you know.. Some people put them into a science fiction or fantasy or whatever setting, but if the author doesn't really know what (s)he is talking about, it tends to just not be engaging.

I think every creative person is finding inspiration from others. If nothing else, someone else invented the paint, the language, the camera..

I believe the saying 'good artists borrow, great artists steal' refers to the idea that many people consider someone original if the artist simply acts as if they are original.. I used to believe some people were 'completely original' myself.. but having seen a large array of stuff I now see that pretty much everyone is talking about the same stuff, sometimes in slightly different ways, but it's all ultimately the same basic stuff. So no one is truly original and it's all advertising or herd mentality or random dice rolled by god or ......... ?

He he, as far as I go, I can come up with stuff I think is genuinely creative all day long, but nobody else likes it because it's TOO creative.. At the same time, 'normal' stuff strikes me as way too mundane to even waste time making. O, reality, you sure are lame

One thing to consider about art too is that at first every artist copies whoever (s)he thinks is good, then slowly develops their own style. I've noticed this pattern in musicians, writers, everything.

ENJOY

Just like how it's a myth how aspies lack emotions, it's a myth that Aspies lack imagination, Tv Tropes page on AS sums it up nicely.

Imagination is just using your brain to create something. Originality is a funny thing. All great writers and film directors are just telling the same stories over and over again. But everyone puts their own differences in there somewhere.

It takes a lot of creativity and imagination to edit something into an interesting and cohesive story. So don't sell yourself short on being creative/original. Everything you describe in your post is typical of most creative people.

Despite the conclusion that you may have certain traits the pertain to AS, you should seek a professional diagnosis. I am on the spectrum and have great difficulty reading facial expressions and body language, I also have difficulty knowing how to reciprocate or respond. However you may have developed the skill to read body language through social conditioning, I'm not qualified to make a professional diagnosis however.

Are you me? You sound very like me. I'm an amateur artist and I can't draw from memory or imagination. I work from photos. I might change things slightly to make them work better and I change the colours drastically, but I can't come up with anything at all, from my own mind.

I don't have a diagnosis at all. My daughter is waiting to be fully assessed and it's looking like she has Aspergers. It was actually me who suggested this to the school and health people and they agreed. It's only since this came about that I realised that I too may meet the criteria.

If you really feel convinved about this, is it possible for you to seek a diagnosis easily?

I remember always opting to play as the dog in 'house' games, too.

My daughter always wants to be the dog, when she plays house. Some other kids don't like her barking and panting one little bit.

same here, never been able to draw from memory, always bothered me....

even when i was studying professional photography at this institute, i got my best work done when i was able to walk around and click frames that i saw in front of me and explored by myself. but when it came to arranging people in a shot i found myself always struggling. i dont mind taking pictures of people, i do like it at times, but i am more comfortable and can produce better frames when im just walking around through a crowd and capture people as i see them, as they are, as opposed to constantly telling them how to pose themselves.

My childhood memories of creativre play are similar to those of the original poster. Superficially they seem to indicate a social imagination, but when I look at the details, I see that I was mostly copying what I'd seen on TV etc.

I think coping strategies and intelligence are acquired as we get older, and that they can mask the basic Aspie traits quite well........like the OP, I too have some appreciation of the aesthetics of clothing style. My tastes there are unusual compared with those of the mainstream, but most of my pronouncements about specific details would probably be understood and sypathised with by most people.

It's strange because I've come to believe it's wrong to judge people on their appearance in the sense of how fashionable they look, or even whether they look beautiful or ugly to me personally at first glance. I detest the idea that society gives advantages to those showing the most sexual capital and that it's simply down to all of us to get competing on that level. There's so much more than that to see. Often people stop bothering with their appearance because they're depressed, or because they have that part of the autistic spectrum that informs them that it shouldn't matter. Or they might just not have any money. I know all this, but that initial "gut fashion reaction" is still there when I meet a new person. I habitually fight it, because I want to travel on a higher plane, but it's there.

People are boring, I'll always be the dog or other animal.

I do draw from memory, or from my twisted imagination. I don't think there is any correlation between only drawing with a reference, and AS. Yeah, I do draw better with a reference, but I don't like doing it as much as its not mine in a way.

That was actually a well-written article on AS. Thanks for the reference.