Persona

Post Reply New Topic

Many of us (that is to say, high-functioning developmentally disordered individuals) eventually learn behaviors that are "acceptable" to the general populace. Whether or not we agree to them or appreciate their basis, we will almost invariably follow them so as not to catch ridicule from others. With all of these corrections to our own natural states, can it be said that the person we are in public is the same as the person we are internally? I consider the individual that an autistic presents his or herself as, as a separate character or "persona" that the high-functioning autistic produces and acts out whenever necessary. Some of us enjoy our lifelong occupation of the thespian, while others dread the prospect of waking every morning to don a mask of normalcy. Regardless of opinion on the subject, I wondered if anyone else out there has created a sort of avatar with which to interact with the outside world. I have. I come off as polite, caring, joking, and try to give a general appeal of good will to all whom I encounter. I smile when told a joke, ask others their troubles when they appear disgruntled, and always establish eye contact when shaking the hand of a superior. I am, in my opinion, the consummate "normal" person. It is all a lie. I do not enjoy or understand the basis of eye contact or hand-shaking. I do not care about the petty troubles of others (unless they are life or livelihood threatening). I do enjoy a good laugh, but some of the jokes that I "laugh" are just terrible. Socializing outside of school is agonizing to me. These and many other characteristics that one may imply from my spurious, normal demeanor are all false. So, wrongplanet users, how fake are you?

Yes. Totally. I consider my public persona to be an interface. The real me is always a bit distanced from it internally, observing and making notes on what is going on. My persona isn't "fake", it's still me, it's just a highly filtered, highly modulated version of me.

I think this is something everyone does, neurotypical or autistic. We just happen to have a bigger divide between our public and private persona than NTs. It also doesn't come natural to us to act in ways that aren't "ourselves" so it gets really tiresome after awhile.

With NTs, I think they sometimes forget that they are wearing a "mask" and assume that the mask is their true face rather than an act they put on for the outside. That's why they have trouble with finding their "true self" when they're younger. They've taken on so many of their peer's tastes and mannerisms they've forgotten where "they" begin and their approved persona ends.

I no longer fake anything, because faking a persona is too stressful for me. I don't think that I have ever effectively faked a persona.

You have summed up my feelings on my life in general. I feel like recently, I have stopped caring as I have learned that all the things you mentioned are why being social is so draining. It has come to the point that I feel like nobody knows the real me except for my partner. I've been finding that despite not caring any more lately, I have been pissing off a lot more people lately, but also seem to actually be making more friends as people see the weird things I do as "cute" and it takes less energy to be social just to say screw it and be my natural self. I guess it only works out like that being Female because I doubt a boy in his 20's would be thought of as cute by displaying Aspergers symptoms in public.

Not a bad point. I suppose the fact that everyone, neurotypical or autistic, happens to behave according to principles unnatural to themselves slipped my mind when I wrote the original post. Though I cannot accurately speak for others, I believe that autistic people tend to take the act of putting on a show to greater lengths.

Hang in there. Perhaps if you persist and succeed in generating and using an effective persona, you will find yourself enjoying it (much as I enjoy the satisfaction of another day well faked).

I was able to do that for about ten years, but then became ill from it. There are still little things that now are force-of-habit, but other things I don't worry about too much, anymore. I try for the best compromise, rather than 'faking it' as a hard as possible, nowadays. (But I live like a hermit, so that's now very hard.)

I learned a lot, though, and that knowledge is still valuable to me. (And the knowledge gained from going too far is also valuable.)

I feel like I was inside a star that collapsed and went nova. Some things were blown away but some others were fused on. And for the things that were gained other things were lost. I.e. When I was a kid I could see with incredible detail all the time (though I'd be so focused that I'd tend not to notice most of the rest of the environment). Now, I think I see more 'normally' (miss less stuff), though a bit slowly, but the trade-off is that that microscope-vision thing isn't there anymore. (If I relax/meditate/space-out it comes back, but it's not my default state, anymore.)

I could relate to this a lot when I saw it:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFkBOAekmL4[/youtube]

I often find myself feeling guilty, for lack of a better word, after interacting with someone, because I've once again "acted" instead of just being myself.

I agree with this, and with posters above as well. I do interact with other people (with one notable and very difficult exception) with a made-up side of my character, which is smiling, forgiving and easygoing (as long as it does not scratch the surface). Well, I am none of the above, and I have been told that I put up a very good facade. Not that it isn't more than a bit odd, actually. It works really well though, but lasts for a short time, though I can sustain it for some hours. It is at its best mornings and throughout the day, then goes dramatically down in the evening and is practically absent at night.
When did I learned to do it? I think I was early teenage when I adopted this image, and made additions to it an polished it over the years. Still, it is a mask and it can come off when there is no need to sustain it any more or I am tired or it is late at night. Sometimes I can't believe that people can be naturally friendly, or jovial, or relaxed. But then they can't naturally be meticulous, focused, or eager to learn, so I guess the one balances the other.

I think, and this is what I strive for, the goal should be to use "unnatural" behaviors to demonstrate genuine personality traits. It's exhausting, but leaves one with less of a feeling of fakeness.

For instance, I had pretty much zero interest in the conversations of my coworkers at my last job. I did, however, like them as people. The way most people show they enjoy someone's company is by showing an interest in their conversation, so I'd pretend to care about what they talked about. Acting fake in order to demonstrate something genuine.

I don't think the persona should be viewed as a lifetime commitment. There is a time when you have to conform to build up social credit and goodwill, to get the job or a significant other, but once you have demonstrated that you can do this, you should be able to let more of your real self show through. Hopefully there will come a time when you realize some situations require you to be totally fake, some totally real, and most somewhere in between. Moving in and out from behind the persona can be quite entertaining and amusing if you can come to view it less seriously.

For some reason I thought this was going to be about the Ingmar Bergman film, lol. Oddly enough though, the OP addresses one of the big themes of the film; the tendancy to adopt different personas around different people, and where the "real" self lies among all of the masks. I don't think this is at all exclusive to autistic people. On the contrary, nearly everyone does it to some extent. However, I do think that the personas autistic people adopt are farther removed from our real selves than the ones NTs do, so it takes more effort to blend in, and it can be tiring. As for me, I consider myself a pretty good actor. I come off as slightly quirky to some, but more or less normal. Often times I even enjoy the act. But sometimes it's completely and utterly exhausting, to the point where I'll go days without talking, or even getting out of bed if I can avoid it.

It's interesting that handling different social situations in different ways is referred to as having a persona. The way I see it, having observed others move between situations as I do, everyone does this. That said, it seems to be more tiresome to me than to others.

I have several 'personae', now that I think of it, and I switch between those relatively easily depending on my location and my company. I suppose it's just an analysis. Would anything you say offend a person you care about or depend upon? Don't say it. I won't start telling my grandmother the crudely racist jokes that I've heard from friends. Those friends, when I'm not around, say some things using wording that would offend me deeply and probably cause me to argue against them. My real self is known to me and a very select circle of friends and family.

It seems to be just a social mechanism - adapting to the sensitivities of others. And, in many cases, such sensitivities require courteous or overly respectful behaviour, or at the very least adaptation to the social norm. Though, I've started wondering about the following. If all people see is adapted behaviour, will they not be inclined to show such adapted and normatively correct behaviour in the company of others? So, are there any people in this world at all who are fully open about their thoughts, motives and limitations? I recently read about an old phrasebook that had been translated from English to French to another language, and had stopped making sense altogether. That image now comes to mind.

I don't fake. What would be the point? If I don't enjoy it and I can't gain anything I consider worthwhile from it - why fake to attain nothing desirable?

I do however have tried and succeeded - others call it a success - to create "social connection points" of sorts by which I can interact with others in meaningful ways. Before that, it was non-interaction on my part mostly.

I am now trying to make a point not to overdo it because while I don't mind the eye contact, responding, greeting, "keeping up" socially and in conversation, I don't enjoy forgetting things I consider important over it or trying so hard to do it all that I don't feel comfortable about not having fun with my time.

So, it's not that I dislike doing my best connecting with the world out there, it's just that having a talent for acting and my high intelligence learning to be normal solely for the sake of appearing normal doesn't - and can't ever - quite work out and it wears me out. I just want to be able to communicate with people when I feel like communicating with people - I very recently decided that that's all the effort I'm going to make.

I figure I only need to do as much to have fun because the fact remains that I am different/autistic, no point pretending otherwise. I intend to on go on staying myself and that includes learning about people and interacting with them to get the best out of all those social interactions that I enjoy.

I've been somewhat successful in this in the past. A lot of times I can get away with it, unless someone/thing causes a meltdown, or worse, shutdown. Those are rare, but I have had them especially between my teens and mid thirties.
It gets old now, older than I am.
Feels so good to come here & talk about stuff I've never told my friends (NT) about, except in very tiny, compartmentalized bites.

Sincerely,
Matthew