My Mom says I "drain" people

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I talk to my mom a whole lot, tons of stuff has happened and a certain event/end of a friendship that was bringing me down has caused me to truly open up to my mother. I tell her everything, share my thoughts. I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday for some more help.

We were in the store, Walmart (a place a loathe) and I was feeling very strange, I've been taking anxiety meds that make me feel a bit more talkative...but a bit more louder and open. I'm not going to take them forever, haven't today and as expected I feel like garbage. I won't go into why I'm not, that's another story. Anyway, now that I've opened up to mom I ask her stuff that use to embarrass me, I'm very hard on myself and my own ex-friend was a very conservative, bootstraps style guy who thought autism was a joke, especially aspergers and thought everyone just needed a punch in the face and to get a job

At first I asked mom, "Do you really think maybe nothing is wrong with me? Maybe I'm just fake, maybe I'm lazy..maybe I'm this and that". I just couldn't stop talking, I kept going. She denied these things (she's a nurse) and refuted me by saying I'd displayed my behavior since I was very small, had lots of trouble growing up and have been diagnosed by at least one doctor as a kid. I asked her a ton of questions "do I have a monotone, do I sound normal etc?".

She told me she didn't want to upset me but that when I spoke sometimes (usually I'm very private ,I lock myself up from everyone..or did until recently) it scared her and other people. She said I had this effect, like a vampire. That I "drained" people, she was trying to be graceful with her words, not wanting to hurt my feelings. Me and her talk a lot, I have TONS of paranoia that for a long time I thought was real. I make up situations in my head , confrontations with others that become real to me and I get mad and feel violent. I also start feeling resentment toward others. I could go on and on..but I have a question for you people:


Has anyone ever said that you drain people? This is the first time anyone has told me that and it almost makes sense now that people in school disliked me so much or avoided me..yet it makes me a bit sad too. Maybe I misinterpreted what she said.

My mom said that I "wear people down until they snap."
That hurt. I sometimes second guess myself and try to figure out if I'm doing that...but I feel like a lot of people do I know that just because it's common, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, I just feel slightly better knowing that.

Yeah, it was kind of like that. She said I go between very quiet, withdraw, terrified but once I talk I just keep talking really fast and want to get every word in without realizing it and then sort of seem uninterested in what others say. It wasn't just that alone though.

The way she kept talking about me made it sound like I was demonically possessed and I jokingly told her to get a rabbi for me but she just shrugged my joke. I'm not religious anyway.

I think maybe your mum is trying to say that your behaviour is draining - eg often asking questions, wanting in-depth discussion about things, that kind of stuff.

Many people find it hard to cope when someone asks lots of questions or wants to talk in depth about issues that are on their mind. I think of it as being like information overload - the brain can't manage to answer the questions or reply to the conversation, and that becomes tiring.

It's great that you can talk to your mum and that you share lots of things with her. Perhaps there are certain times when she'd rather not get into question and answers or discussions though, because she is thinking of other things maybe? If her mind is on something else, then she may find it draining trying to multi-task - to do what she needs to do while trying to answer your questions.

Don't forget that discussion forums and suchlike can be great places for asking questions and finding out info - there are also some great websites about autism and asperger's if you want to learn more

I've been told I stress my husband out and my mother told me she knows that because they have been through it too and it was very stressful and now he has to go through it now. My husband then told me "Why do you think I am always in the bedroom, because of your obsessions, your anxiety, everything."

I have also been told in my teens that kids get frustrated with me and I ask too many questions. Then they don't know what to do so they snap at me and are rude to me. Then they don't care if I am upset about it.

I've never been told I drain people, but I often wonder if that's the case.i can't seem to get anyone to be brutally honest about how they percieve me. I know people tend not to talk as much when I'm around, and often when I try to talk about what's on my mind, suddenly everyone has somewhere else they need to be. I tend to stay to myself alot because I don't want to bother people or make them uncomfortable.

I've burned people out in as little as a month's time, and have shut people out in about the same length. The few non-family relationships I do have are only because I see them once or twice a week at the most often, I had a guitar buddy I knew for 20 years begin to limit contact. He has Bipolar so he mat have his own reasons. I've learned to let it go after a bad broken engagement, last thing anyone wants is to be accused of stalking. A recent revelation for me was 'too much too soon' - I notice I'd been seeing people like special interests. And I'd also began to absorb some of their interests

It is a pretty painful thing for your mom to say to you.

I know that many NTs don't like it when you ask repeatedly for reassurance that you are doing the appropriate thing, that you look okay or that you're acceptable in general. Happens a lot when somebody has social anxiety; they try to deal with it by always asking for reassurance and end up just annoying people. 'course that makes things worse because then people act annoyed and they're scared that it's because they aren't liked... I get into a similar loop where I end up just repeatedly apologizing, being told not to apologize, and then apologizing for apologizing. It's not pretty, believe me. You have to learn to laugh at yourself when you do things like that. We're all human, neh?

Still not so nice of your mom to say that though. She should have explained what it was that was annoying her, instead of just accusing you of draining people. Totally wasn't helpful. I mean, can you be any more vague than that?

I've been told I drain people too. When I was a child I used to drive people away due to my tantrums I used to have (this was when I was, like, 8 years old).

People never said that I drained people--and I don't know if I have AS, btw.

But people did, for a while, treat me fairly badly because I "never smiled."

So they would make jokes like, "would you smile if ..." Not in a nice way.

These were the same people who would also accuse others (probably me) of having "bad energy" and being a "drain." Now I see that they were far more likely to purposefully try to drain others--as they were probably con artists themselves. This was from my teenage years where I searched for social groups, only to find myself in a nest full of drug dealers and homeless "hippies." Upon reflection, I don't think those people were any more sunshiney underneath their persona. But I don't think your mom is a con-artist.

I don't think it's fair for your mother to say that you drain people. Maybe she meant that sometimes she feels drained. It's normal for mothers to feel drained sometimes--duh...that's part of motherhood. I mean, babies literally drain their mothers (not totally) of nutrients ect. during the pregnancy process--it's not a bad thing. It's nature. And having a child who has special needs can also be emotionally draining for a mother....

But I definitely think she either said something that was not OK, by saying that you "drain" people. Or that you misrepresented what she meant, which is that she just felt drained sometimes.

Because EVERY mother feels drained at some point--and it's not OK to blame the child for that.

I know I am......and so naturally I end up feeling worse about myself because I drain people, I don't remember it being said to me specifically but it's there.

Also, don't feel that because people might have avoided you--or if you were socially awkward, that it reflects that you're "bad" in some way.

Most people, especially NTs, don't really have to know a person to decide if they like them, if they're cool etc. That's why some of the most charismatic people on earth--the most likeable one's, are also some of the least altruistic, and least empathetic.

In my book, being "good" or "bad" has a lot to do with your intentions. And believe it or not, some people purposefully "drain" others, of money or emotion. I hope I don't sound like a conspiracy theorist, but it's true. Yet it's not the con-artists or predators that get singled out socially and ostracized--but it's the people who don't know how to fit in, but often still have altruistic and empathetic motivations.

So don't beat yourself up because you don't have the same social skills as others. Social skills are a really imperfect way to measure someone.

Also, about the draining....so NTs tend to like a give and take in the conversation. If one is talking a lot, especially about emotionally heavy things, then the other feels obligated to listen...if this goes on too much, then sometimes it's described as "draining." It's really about remembering to ask questions about the other person, and let them talk as well as yourself. But it's not that simple and I don't really know how to do it well.

But again, remember that it's not fair to accuse you of being like a vampire and draining. The actual people out there who really do set out to drain others are often excellent at the give and take of conversations, and extremely charming.

I can talk about heavy and serious subjects. I can also get into a mode of all sending no receiving.

But surprisingly, what has helped me is the idea that if a person needs space, go ahead and give them space, without the intermediate step of asking whether they should need space. Also the idea I take from poker of what a person has done on a series of rounds, that a bet pre-flop, flop, and turn is more significant than a single bet. So, conversationally, it's okay if it comes to me a little late, that if I pick up the second or third hint that's fine. And I also like the idea of letting a medium mistake just stay a medium mistake. (Just league poker for points these days. The difference between poker and real life is that when you build a pot in real life, everybody wins. )

Many people have told me before that I drain them.

I find that people "drain" me.

I think sometimes I take things people say very seriously...and demand accuracy and in doing so seem very argumentative. I'm trying to stop.