Socalizing paradigm shift

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What's the main difference between the school-type socializing and the playing-outdoors type of socializing in children? Why was I far worse in the school-type socializing than in the playing-outdoors socializing?

Is it because playing outdoors is less social-cue and social-skill intensive? Or is it because playing outdoors is virtually not socializing at all? It seems like it's far more clear what I'm supposed to say or what I'm supposed to do when I play outdoors (however, I still had a trouble forming relationships when playing outdoors - I only knew the people, but weren't 'friends' with them).

Oh, and whenever children stopped playing for a while and sat in a circle and talked, I felt out of place. It seemed like they exchanged information which I couldn't grasp. But when the playing started again, I didn't feel out of place anymore.


So here's a comparison

My social life at school (ever since I went to school): No friends for years, sometimes 1 or 2 friends with whom I rarely talked/did stuff with and hang out only 1-2 times (wonder if you can call these friends). Got worse and worse with age - I had no friends for 6 years as approaching the end of the school.

My social life when 'playing outside' as a child: Run around with others, dig holes with others (I always dug holes as a child, even when I was alone), explode bottles by filling them with aluminum + hydrochloric acid, etc, etc. I was sometimes rejected and re-accepted by my group, though, because from time to time I would do something which wasn't seen as acceptable.

i do best with any structured play (board games or playground games) rather than just unstructured conversation.

The rules governing interaction in school were more apparent and clearly outlined than the rules governing interaction outside of school, which are mostly unstated until they are broken.

For a while I found it very confusing trying to understand why everyone had to pretend to be civilized half of the time, while they had to do the opposite the rest of the time, which becomes even more complicated when faced with different types of people who expect different things from you... For some, the civilized rules still apply outside, while for others the uncivilized rules still apply even when inside.

And then I had to wonder why those who "don't like rules" still had their own code of rules.

Sometimes it's hard to figure out which of us are actually the stupid ones.

Most aspies can be good at activity led socialising, which is really what you are describing, that's how we can play games (tag, chess, computers and so on) with others. That's also how we can often manage to work and somewhat deal successfully with colleagues and customers..

Activity led socialising is a trick though, if you remove the activity and reduce it to a purely social group interaction we will find it much more difficult, so we can manage bowling with 6 people, but take away the props and we'd struggle.

Another difference is that when you are much younger, your peers expect less conversation and interaction too, it's all about the activity when you are very young.

Jason

^ This.

I'm fine when I'm drumming, but I get irritated if we stop to chat for too long. Granted, because it's a practice, anyone could feel irritated if we don't do enough of what we're there for. But when the whole group starts chatting, I begin to feel like an unintentional intruder.

I did play with other kids when I was a kid. But I often got uncomfortable in conversation and never seemed to fit in quite right. I remember some kids being kind enough to try to reach out to me and get to know me, but it always made me feel uncomfortable. I'd try for a while, then get to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I suppose they never knew why I would just suddenly stop hanging out with them. Maybe they thought it was something personal about them that I'd decided I didn't like. I never meant to make anyone feel bad.