Letter from my mother, not sure how I should respond

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Thursday night I talked to my mother on the phone telling her about the neuropsych testing I did, which she asked me to tell her about. I think she is gradually beginning to understand how my brain works. I told her it's hard for me to talk unless I have something to talk about. Today I got a letter from her in the mail and she said I could call her and ask her about how her Bible studies are going or about the place she exercises at. I've heard it all multiple times and nothing changes so to me there is no point in hearing it again. Plus I have a hard time initiating conversation and an even harder time doing it just to be "nice."

How would you respond?

I learned to just ask and let them speak. Say oooh or yeah? or uh-hu every so often to make you sound interested and it keeps them happy.

As I don't know your relationship history I don't know if you have problems with your mum - I find small talk a niceties really fake and hard but I do try. I'm also a bit evil and like to let them know that I am only really doing it for them and not because I'm actually interested... I obviously don't do that verbally but more in how I ask (monotonic uninterested sounding) or respond (lots of mmmms ). That's probably not good advice.

You said<

I think she just wants to talk with you so she sent you somethings to talk about.
Heard it before? oh, well, my mom has short term memory loss and will ask the same question 5 times in twenty minutes. Just talk, it's a start.

I would take this as a good thing.

It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother...?

Your Mum is listening to what you say and genuinely trying to understand how your brain works. So she is showing that she cares about you and is willing to accept your differences. Why not meet her half-way?

Yes, you're not ever going to get ' the point' of smalltalk, but faking it is a very useful skill to have because NTs just love their smalltalk, its how they bond. And it is very hard to get along in a workplace without being able to fake smalltalk.

My idea is....Why not ask your Mum to help you with your "conversation" skills or even rehearse different scenarios with her. That would mean there is a point to the conversation and she is understanding you a bit more!

You could think of it as a chance to practice (in a non-threatening setting) a very handy life-skill.

Here is the key bit of information you are overlooking. There is no point to you to hear it again, but there is a point to her that you ask about it.

Socialization is just as much about the other person's social needs, as it is about your social needs, and it's important to her that you ask her about things she is involved in, and listen to her tell you about them. Much of the time it might be more or less information you've heard before but certainly not all of the time.

You could ask her "So, what's new?"
You could ask her how her workouts have been going and if she's working towards any particular goals, or what method she uses. You could ask her something related to bible study, or theology, her beliefs, etc. And you can share your own views as well.

I obviously can't give you all the background information on the relationship between my mom and me so I'll just say it's strained. She's done things like show interest before but then returns back to her usual self. I've been hurt by her too many times. I'm afraid to let my guard down again. Then again, I don't want to give up on a chance of an improved relationship. sigh...

If it means something to you that your mom is making an effort to understand you and work with her, then you need to make compromises too (when you're capable) to encourage her and show your apprecation. I used to let my mom get under my skin all the time when I was younger. It's really nice to have gotten to a point where I can step away from the situation and make it about someone else, rather than myself.

I wouldn't.

As others have said, your mother is trying to be helpful, and it doesn't really matter whether or not you're interested in your mother's trips to the gym or not, it's about social interaction, and at least politely pretending to show an interest.

Aspies expect a similar thing all the time. Lots of Aspies have obsessions with their specialist subjects and can launch into interminably long monologues, and we don't always care whether the other person is interested.

Sometimes, people just need an audience for their thoughts and feelings, sometimes people just need to offload some gripes and grievances.

As others said, feign interest, say Yeah? Really? "Oh, that's good/bad/annoying/whatever" (as appropriate) every now and then.

That's what I do as well (though I'm not sure how to give advice to the OP, but she might want to try it).

My mom and my sister have similar problems...my mom talks alot about her health problems, my sister heard about it for the last 20 years, but when she does ask my sister how she is doing all my sister says is "fine" then gets mad cause mom show interest in how she is doing and just talks about her medical issues. However behind the scenes, my mom loves my sister very much and it grieves her that her relationship with my sister is so bad. She doesnt know how to reach out to my sister, but tries anyway.

You could try talking asking her about what's new with her exercise and bible studies, then talk with her about what you want to talk with her about, Kinda guide the conversation over to what interests you. The fact that she is talking to you should not be taken for granted, she may not understand you, but she still loves you enough to try to communicate with you.
Part of growing up is realizing your parents are not perfect, and accepting them as flawed human beings like the rest of humanity. When you are a kid, most kids, believe their parents are perfect, then when the realization comes they are in fact, imperfect, this causes you to feel betrayed, cheated, then at some point you realize your parents are no different than anyone else with gifts and flaws, once that happens your relationship begins to heal.

Dont give up on her, the fact she is trying to reach out to you, no matter how imperfect she does it, means that she cares.


Jojo