Confused about personal identity

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This is mainly for recently diagnosed/self-diagnosed adults. I'm wondering if anyone else understands this. I spent my entire life until now not feeling like I had my own true identity. Now that I realize I have AS, I understand why I felt that way, but I'm still unsure about the identity part. I know what I like and don't like and my habits, but I still can't tell who my true self is.

For some reason, I think it's because I've been mimicking people my whole life to fit in because I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't sure how to act or what things to say, and most of my hobbies were things my mother made me do for the most part (sports, choir, etc). I've never had one specific special interest I excelled in (they still change all time). Many characteristics i adopted from other people because I noticed other people responding positively to them, so I figured it would work well for me too. I tried to talk like certain people, copy their unique mannerisms, in addition to wanting to have the same kinds of clothes and other material items. They never completely worked for me. I either did them really awkwardly and embarrassed myself or I just couldn't keep it up anymore because it was too tiresome. I would even manifest personalities that I thought people would like and then try to be it.

It seems that I've done this so much and I was so focused on keeping up socially that I never truly figured out who my true self is, and now I'm mostly stuck just being confused. Since I've realized I'm on the spectrum, it has made me just a little more comfortable in my own skin because I know there's an explanation for WHY I act that way, but now how do I go about getting to know myself? I'm not sure where to begin. Does this seem strange to anyone else?

I could have written this exact same thing.

I know exactly how you feel/what you're talking about.

This is typical for aspies. We tend to over-analyze, whereas most people just go with the flow "I am who I am" as a NT would say. Whereas "I am who I am which is influenced by other people encouraging me, which isn't the true me, so who am I?" sounds more like an aspie. Personally I struggled with this issue when I started playing video games with avatars that represented me. Then I went through a year-long phase of struggling with my choice of career because I didn't know what [i]my[i] calling was.

When I found out about my aspergers at age 30 (about 7 months ago) it was like finding out that I had this entire, huge blind spot that was of myself, that I had gone around not knowing about for so many years. Give your self time to find what fills in all those areas of your unknown self.

Maybe you could keep a journal or list of some sort and record what you really, really, enjoy, and what you really really dislike. Go about your life and see if the things you spend time doing or buying are on the list of what feels good to you, or if you just do them out of habit or because someone else did it.

Good luck, confusion does not last forever, keep asking questions and finding your own answers!

I've always been "just me"... not adapting myself to fit in or anything like that. My advice would be to stop analyzing and imitating others, and do your own thing. Eventually you'll find your true self in that process.

Have written about this before and can totally relate to the OP. I did the same thing in an attempt to fit in, not stand out, try and make friends (I had a really hard time socially in school), and I'm still doing it. I don't think I can stop, because it's been so long, I don't know where I stop and the mask begins. Or maybe this is who I really am, heck I don't know. All I know is I get through my day and I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, irritable, and my wife deserves better. I'm trying to learn to budget my energy usage better, so I don't spend it all at work. If this means maybe I won't be walking around smiling at talking all day, so be it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

A lot of the mental work I did was coming to the conclusion that I have two voices in my head. Not like split personality voices, but more like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, but in my case it's more like the I-need-to-fit-in voice and the F-everyone-else-let's-be-ourself voice. I'm currently trying to find a happy middle ground, because I've heard those voices for so long I know there are both good and bad points within each of them.

Yes... and over the years, it has gotten me into all kinds of trouble - trying to 'fit in", or be like someone else because I thought they must know better than me.

Once I became more of a loner, keeping to myself, I realized that eventhough I don't always make the right choices, I get into a lot less trouble when I do what I think is right for me instead of trying to please others, or do what they think is right.
I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else... it's hard to explain.

I now know what *I* like and don't like and to hell with what others think about it.

Who I am - my identity - has never been an issue for me. I always knew who I was, and I never needed to "find myself".

Why I am the way that I am has stopped being an issue only in the last few years - since I received my first professional diagnosis.

Did you ever feel the need to fit in, especially before your diagnosis?

That's the thing - being a loner is easier, but it's a limiting and frustrating posture.

Does practicing being outgoing reap rewards, or does it turn out humiliating and frustrating too?

There's a fine line between coming out of your shell and practicing to be someone you are not. From experience, trying to be someone you're not will ultimately fail and in a most spectacular way. It's more important to remain within your comfort zone but expand that zone to include more and more interaction with others.

For me, it's "easier" than being sociable because it's less stressful, less exhausting - zero chance of rejection. To be a loner 100% of the time is impossible - unless you are independantly wealthy, or completely self-sufficient. I'm neither.


For me, yes... and yes. I've learned, the hard way, that if I am to survive on my own, I must, in some ways, "act" like other people when I am around other people. In every social setting (whenever I must interact with others), I carefully observe what they say and do and do a quick analysis of what my response should be. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I do not.
I have learned over time that there are just some things that are done for no other reason than to be sociable - which makes no sense to me.

Like at my job; when I walk in the door, I have a smile on my face and say in a cheery way, "Good morning" to everyone I see... whether or not it actually *is* a good morning. I receive the same thing back, "Good morning."
My problem is I take things literally, so when someone asks, "How are you?" Sometimes I forget they don't really care and are just making a nonsense greeting, and I'll go into a long drawn out description of how I am. Big mistake.

Last year, I heard a girl at the bank talking to another girl as a customer walked out the door. She said, "Don't you hate it when you ask someone "How are you?" and they actually tell you?" That really made an impression on me because until then I had never considered the fact that when people ask how I am, they really could care less. When I asked, "How are you?" I meant it... or I didn't ask. Now, I ask whether I mean it or not. The equivilent of saying something that means absolutely nothing - but is a required social greeting.

Practicing being outgoing, although difficult, does have it's benefits: it helps you to survive in this world. But in order to conserve energy and maintain a sense of well-being that is comfortable for you, you must carefully choose when it's necessary to be that way and when it's not... "choose your battles."

I've been there. Realizing what was "wrong" with me explained so much, but at the same time it completely shattered my self-image. Now I know why people are looking at me like that, and somehow that makes it all worse. Before my self-diagnosis, I used to think of myself as a normal and intelligent person who had become an anxious loner due to a long history of peer abuse. Now I often feel like a village idiot when I have to interact with others. Not that I feel stupid, but I know others perceive me that way and I can't blame them.

The Village Idiot, yup, that's it exactly.

"Need"? No.

"Want"? Yes.

"Fitting in" is not a necessity. For me, it actually worked out better that I did not fit in with the pot-smoking, pill-popping, gin-swilling bullies that I went to high school with. Most of them are either dead, in prison, or afflicted with some illness or self-induced disability that keeps them chronically unemployed.

Now that I know why I am the way that I am, "fitting in" is actually easier than before.