Can people with autism have relationships/

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Can people with autism have loving relationships?... I've never been in one and I think I will never been in one due to it...

I don't know. I suspect some can but in regards to this subject (and various others lately), my opinion is tainted by my own bad experiences, meaning it is highly subjective.

I am not sure if I have an ASD but I have concluded that relationships and even friendships are not something I can pursue or maintain, regardless of how much my heart yearns for loving bonds sometimes. This is for several reasons:

1 I cannot cope with the amount of social interaction they entail, it is too exhausting for me.

2 I cannot live up to societies expectations and therefore the expectations of those people I am personally involved with. I cannot be whatever it is they seem to think is 'normal' for extended periods of time without exhausting myself.

3 When I become exhausted from the social interaction and appearing normal or doing what is expected of me I meltdown, get upset, shut down and end up having to go to bed for a while until my energy levels have restored themselves. I cannot function during those times, not just because I feel emotionally and mentally drained, but also because I actually feel physically ill when I reach that level of exhaustion (think CFS type symptoms). I need solitude, peace and quiet and alone time with my hobbies to recover and when with someone or in a friendship I cannot get the solitude etc I need. This results in my having a breakdown due to exhaustion.

So basically trying to maintain friendships and relationships actually makes me physically and emotionally ill after a while, because I cannot get the alone time that I need without the other person getting upset and thinking I don't like them. This then results in arguments which exhaust me further. In the end I have to pull out of the friendship or relationship because of the above in order to allow myself time to recover and start feeling well again.

If people were less clingy, needy and didn't have so many expectations of what they think I should be...if they accepted me for myself instead of trying to change me and allowed me the peace and quiet and hobby time I need, I probably would be ok in a friendship and relationship. But thus far I have not found anyone like that. I am still searching because I also don't like feeling lonely, but I am not hopeful and a part of me is coming around to accepting that maybe it is healthier for me to stay alone.

I know that goes against what the psych profession says is healthy, but at least I don't get stressed out and feel physically ill when I am able to spend time by myself pottering around doing my own thing with my hobbies and I can at least get things done and function better at those times. As soon as people come into my personal world, my whole life is turned upside down, all my routines are disrupted (and that upsets me as well), the socialising takes all my energy and I start to deteriorate...badly.

I think my desire for finding a loving relationship with an understanding partner was pure fantasy and is probably not something I can ever have or maintain in the real world, because of how adversely having to maintain a social relationship affects my physical and mental health.

I am, in a way, happier on my own, even though I am lonely.

Last edited by bumble on 24 Feb 2012, 2:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The short answer based on my personal experience is yes,
However, I find it a lot of work and sometimes have to consciously remind myself that my wife has considerations and feelings as well as me sometimes, particularly if i'm in the grip of a new obsessive phase.

It took me a long time to meet the right person. I'd fancied loads of people but never had the courage or skill to express myself in the right way and never made a move.

I met my wife five years ago when I was just turning 29. She was my first serious partner and I believe that he reason I was successful in forming a relationship with her is that for the first week we communicated purely via email and text message. I'm much more expressive and competent with written words than verbally and that allowed me to say what I really felt without my aspie traits getting in the way.

I understand exactly how you feel, but it doe take time, and in many cases a lot of effort, but it's worth it.

D.

I know married autistic people exist. Many couples in fact. I have been close friends with others. I have been in relationships. Of course! Seems your problem is lack of confidence and I guess you're a bit lost, right?

People like me but that alone isn't enough to maintain relationships. I don't know how to reciprocate or to communicate interpersonally. It isn't something I've been able to learn either. Verbal communication is very difficult outside those things I have memorized or am very familiar with. There is a lack of connection because I don't know how to show my feelings even to those I'm closest with like family. *sighs* For me, I don't think so.

They can, but it's incredibly hard, as relationships are largely based on nonverbal communication (body language) not only in the animal kingdom, but also in humans.

According to what I have read in other posts here at WP, many of us do have relationships. Some seem to work out, with a lot of effort, but many don't. It depends on the people involved.

I agree with Bumble for the most part, though. I prefer to be alone, for the reasons listed. I lived with relatives for most of my life and we all drove each other crazy because of their unrealistic NT expectations that I should become and behave normal, but I am unable to meet their expectations, so it was an unpleasant experience. I have lived alone for several years now, and my life, although far from perfect, is so peaceful, and much less stressful now. I never want to live with any one again!

It is not necessary for everyone to find a partner. Some people do quite well as solitary individuals. Solo people can still interact with others when they want to, but live alone. There are many benefits to the solo life, and there are benefits to the paired life. It is up to the individual person to find out which one is best for themselves, but there is nothing "wrong" with either choice. It is just a matter of which do you prefer, and which one you are best suited to.

Yes. I have and have had loving relationships with family, my boyfriend and friends.
Of course it's possible.

Yes, we can. Don't start putting the dampers on yourself by making yourself believe that you will never be fit for a relationship. I know of some Autistics who have got married and had children and are still happy in their relationship.

From personal experience, YES. But relationships are hard work, for AS people or NT people. And we have special challenges. But it is easier if you and your partner understand yourselves and each other.

I believe they can, but I feel like it's more difficult getting there, and once you're there, the regular relationship difficulties can be heightened. This is speaking from my personal experience.

I think my situation happened in just the perfect way for it to work out. I met my boyfriend in college. We were both majoring in my special interest, and we had all of the same classes together. We became friends, and 'talked' a lot on AIM, and he eventually asked me out. As it happens, I turned him down. He later asked me out again, and I turned him down, again.

I was acutely aware of my differences, but had never been close enough to anyone for them to really pick up on it, not even my parents and parental figures (I lived in 7 different homes, with 5 different sets of relatives growing up), and I didn't want my facade of 'normalcy' broken. I was afraid if he knew the real me, he wouldn't like me (the conversations we had on AIM were real, of course, but I'm much better spoken and able to express myself in writing).

Anyway, it wasn't until I learned that he had a rare and fairly severe congenital birth defect (something you wouldn't know about unless you knew him intimately) that I was able to let my guard down, and I confessed my feelings for him. We began dating one another that day, and it's been 4 years.

My boyfriend is 'super NT', in that he's incredibly outgoing, social, charming, makes people laugh with ease, etc, etc, which has been good for me, because he acts as a 'social buffer' for me. I enjoy being around other people, I'm just not very good socially, so I like being able to go places with my boyfriend, and he keeps everyone entertained, while I can just sit there and enjoy without having to socialize.

Unfortunately, my initial fears were confirmed within the first year of our relationship. My AS traits become more and more noticeable, and actually worse than they'd ever been, because again, I'd never been close with anyone before. Our inability to understand one another at times has led to many fights. Fortunately, our relationship is also very loving (first unconditional relationship of any kind that either of us had), so we bounce back fast and don't hold grudges long after the fight. But, they happen, and they are distressing.

Actually, I was typing this message about 30 minutes ago, and stopped when my boyfriend stopped by to visit on his lunch break. Things were going just fine, until he mentioned that I hadn't given him the paperwork that my psychologist wanted him to fill out, and I responded: "that's because we didn't hang out last night." Well, we had a big fight last night about him not wanting to hang out with me, and he thought I was bringing it up to 'throw it in his face' or to start a fight or be 'manipulative' (all his words). In truth, I brought it up, because I had consciously not given him the paperwork to take home, because I was afraid it might get messed up or lost, and I had planned to give it to him to fill out if we hung out. I mentioned it because it was relevant, and I mentioned it without any bitterness or anything, but he REFUSED to believe me, and we started fighting and I finally told him to leave because I'm at work and I was starting to freak out.

So, yes, you CAN have a relationship with an ASD, but with relationships comes stress and DISTRESS, at times, and that's something you have to be willing to accept if you want to make it work.

Yes, but as has already been stated Relationship=work. Even for NTs (why 50% of mariages fail in the US) they are hard. For ASD people? Two to three times harder. At best..
Still trying, will be 50 tomorrow. YUCK!!

Sincerely,
Matthew

Nope, we can only sit in the corner, rocking back and forth while muttering about cars.

Of course we can.

Of course we can, but it's still harder for us as we have to work that much harder at it than NT's. Even then, relationships aren't always easy for NT's since the divorce rate is about 50% right now. In my case, one thing that did work in my favor was finding someone with Aspie traits since he's not as clingy as NT's I've been with, and he doesn't force me to give up friendships if he doesn't like someone.

My younger cousin, who is in his twenties and is autistic, has had two so far. Both were long term, and he poured his heart into them. But he ended them when he found he was being taken advantage of. He just met another lady - I haven't met her yet. They've been on 3 dates so far, going on a 4th. We'll see. Time will tell.

The quote from Forrest Gump about life being like a bunch of chocolates is a good analogy. You never know and just have to take a chance. There is an autisim dating website. May not hurt to check it out. My wife and I met on a different website. But anything is possible.

Longshanks

Whether your autism allows you to have relationships or not depends on the severity, and on the potential people you could have a relationship with. I've been in several, but none that lasted longer than a year and a half. Although only one ended on bad terms.