"It's what friends do"

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I'm sure there's been a million threads on this one statement, often said after you show offence for what is to them 'harmless teasing.'

The fact was that I was being teased into a meltdown/shutdown and still being teased while it was happening, even after I couldn't speak or move. It's the most traumatising experience ever at the hands of my friends who have always showed an open mind to my autism. That's why this has upset me so much. I thought I'd finally found some people who wouldn't pick on me.

After my friend's blasé reaction of 'it's what friends do' and lack of apology she finally did say sorry but then when she said it again said 'what else can I say?' It just sounds like she is only apologising to make me feel better and doesn't actually mean it.

Now she is going on about wanting to self harm as if I'll feel guilty enough to forgive her. That's kind of manipulative isn't it?

For awhile now things have bothered me about her and I just wonder how much longer I can put up with it.

I realise now this might be moved to the Friends/ social skills section.

I had a lot of issues to deal with that day/night but this was the one thing that made me break.

I wrote about it here:
http://www.autisticblogger.com/2012/02/ ... ight-ever/

You know I'm only likely to forgive if someone is genuine about changing their behaviour but I don't think this will ever happen. Twice she has decided to change her mind before we agreed to meet up somewhere and she always neglects to tell me about it and twice I've had the same meltdown over it. And she just doesn't seem that concerned about it.

I think I have to lose yet another friend.

She sounds like a selfish and manipulative person, cancelling out on meetings, teasing you into meltdowns, etc. Certainly not the type I'd consider true friendship material.

Got news for you. This girl is not your friend. She is using you for kicks. Dump her, you can do better. Even being alone is better than being with someone who is cruel and manipulative. Trust me, I've tried both ways, and alone is better than that. I am now a hermit by choice.

The people who posted before me are right. Dump that girl like a dirty diaper. She is not a friend, because friendship is based on mutual respect. Any offenses are done as an honest mistake, or in the worst case, out of negligence. That girl, on the other hand, offended you out of sheer malice and/or getting pleasure out of seeing you upset. That makes her a frenemy, if not an enemy outright. Tell her to never contact you again, and if she chooses to violate that, go to your phone company, and have her number blocked. And whatever you do, do NOT react to her pleading and promising to change. Instead, turn the tables on her, and get pleasure yourself out of seeing her feel guilty about destroying the friendship (and losing a convenient victim as a result).

Hmm, now her latest status update is "I'M NOT A F**KING PSYCHIC!"
Instead of wanting to talk about this and make some attempt to salvage our friendship she is acting this way.

I think you guys are right. I don't think she was meaning to. I think she's just ignorant to how it made me feel and also just really impulsive. I've never liked her rude attitude. But the fact that she is acting this way means she doesn't really understand me at all (or want to understand me). This is a person who has read my blogs and has shown support when I've had an overload. But she doesn't take matters seriously and thinks she can just shrug this one off and I almost did just try to bury this one but I decided that I had to take a stand otherwise it would happen all over again.

This is going to hurt over the next couple of days and weeks but I have been through it a few times before.

Besides, she has other friends. I don't. But I do have a big family. Most of the times it's me and my pets though.

She's still talking about killing herself. I suppose she might not do it if she's so public about it but still...

Maybe it would be better for her to self-harm. It is like Batman says "I am not going to kill you, but I do not have to save you either."

She sounds really reactive.

When I was younger, I was less direct with people, I think at least partially because there were a lot of things I didn't understand about people then and pretty much always assumed that I was the "weird" one. I may have been but there were others who were more effed up in the head, she sounds like one of those. I might have let something like that go years ago because I did have a more difficult time making friends.

But I think you're right about her being manipulative. I can't just tell you "Oh, be yourself" bla bla, etc so you can make new friends because I realize it doesn't work that way, but I think you should dump her.

You seem to know what you like and don't like in a person and I think you're right.

ARGH!! !


I absolutely HATE (And I very rarely use that term- Hate is a strong term) when people say things like "Oh, he/she is just playing around/ joking" Or "That's what friends do.

NO! It's NOT what friends do!! If they see you are upset by something, they apologize and try not to do it again. It doesn't matter if they were just kidding around, it doesn't matter if it didn't bother their other friend, the fact is that it bothers you. A true friend wouldn't keep going to the point of meltdowns and shut downs.

I've learned when people are so open and public about self harm and suicidal thoughts... It's generally attention seeking. It's another way to manipulate people. Everyone here is right, you deserve better than that- If you can, stop being friends with her.

Redacted

I'm just going to stroll over to this pinball machine and play Devil's Advocate (Simpsons reference).
Have you considered any of the following:

-She may have some sort of mental illness/disorder which influences her behaviour.
-She may be looking for attention, this is normally done when someone likes you.
-She may not know about limits and may not realise where your comfort zone is.
-She may not understand/see what she is doing is wrong or effecting you.
-Sometimes when people say 'It's what friends do' they actually mean it. Friends do sometimes give one another a hard time, it's called ribbing (it only works though if it's reciprocated otherwise it's just bullying). Perhaps that's what she means, this is also normally a sign of affection. I do this a LOT with my friends.
-When she said 'What else can I say', perhaps in her mind she has followed social protocol and apologised and so may be genuinely wondering what else she can say.

Please understand that I am NOT condoning what she has done I am merely proffering alternative suggestions to *perhaps* help understand her behaviour. I am saying this so nobody shouts at me .
All this being said, I wish you luck and I hope you can resolve this issue one way or another. Let us know how it goes.

It IS what friends do sometimes, but if they see it upsets you and they persist, it means they've designated you as their token "whipping boy/girl". Meaning, those people will always be pushing your buttons for their amusement, but will call you their "friend" to keep you around. They'll use mind games and rationalizations to make it look like you're in the wrong for getting mad.