is my husband autistic?

Post Reply New Topic

last year i got married to my wonderful husband.. who loved me to death .. was so very possessive about me.. but just within 3 months of marriage without any apparent reason he left me saying i couldn't understand him.. i just was not able to accept the reality and kept trying to tel him that i love him but he just didn't looked back .. its been one year nw still i cant forget him and still i mail him everyday telling him hw much i love him and that i can do anything for him but he never replies and i dont leave hope.. i always wondered hw can he forget me how can he do this to me.. hw can he ignore and not understand hw much pain im going through just because of him..

but now it seems i've got the answer to this mystery when this sunday accidently i read about autism, i was shocked at how all the symptoms mentioned were present in my husband.. but then i had doubts in understanding the disease completely as my husband is a software engineer..
why i feel he is autistic? coz he has almost no friends and social acitivities at all.. he flails one arm.. sounds and acts childish at times.. bangs the wall in anger.. screams some time but stay quiet mostly.. doesnot understand hw i feel sometimes when he insists, not knwing about my discomfort/pleasure.. i have also observed him stammering sometimes.. doing things very slowly.. doesnot share his feelings.. keeps buying things even when he already has them.. can,t drive! learnt driving for 8 years but still cant.. fears..
and yes he did not had any sexual relation with me after marriage .. is he autistic?
plz help me ..if u want to ask anything else im hear to answer.

He does not have to be autistic just because he treats you like crap. And why does it matter to you anyways if he left you?

That was insensitive

I'm sorry I did not intend it to be, I just find it strange when she writes he left her 1 year ago and she sends him mail everyday without getting an answer. - Is searching for a diagnosis for him going to change things? I doubt it.

I may be a bit annoyed in general about the "all ASD males are terrible husbands"-myth, but that has nothing to do with this specific case so I do apologize.

Yeah... look, if the guy left you a year ago, don't you think mailing him every day is a little... uhm.... stalker-y?

He could be autistic, but if he were, that would be a peripheral issue. There's nothing stopping autistic people from having loving, happy, close marriages. Ask the married people around here; they'll tell you. It looks like what happened was you two married--maybe too soon, maybe before understanding each other properly--and then when he found out that marriage wasn't what he thought it was going to be, he left. It happens all the time. Neurotypical, autistic, doesn't matter. When people get into marriage with expectations that are unrealistic, things just fall apart.

It is her husband and he left her all of a sudden without giving her the reason she is owed and she's struggling to except it, I don't think the advice of "get over it" is the answer she's looking for,....,Empathy guys?

I don't think your initial post was insensitive, just unhelpful, and your explanation makes sense.

I do however think you've got the myth back to front, as it were. It goes "all terrible husbands are ASD males". Equally untrue, of course.

In general I can't help wondering if people still bother to get to know each other for several years before getting married. It seems people marry strangers and then wake up. (Sorry, OP, probably equally unhelpful.)

You didn't say anything about his obsessions or his stimming or his routines so it's hard to tell. He could be a socially awkward guy or someone with a bad temper and not be on the spectrum. He could be someone who has a hard time expressing himself and not be autistic or someone who doesn't share his feelings nor expresses them and not be on it.

Big sigh.

Sorry for your pain OP. It sounds like it has been very rough for you.

Are you STILL married to this man? If so, why? since he abandoned you three months into the marriage?

How long was your courtship? Was this an arranged marriage?

Is English your second language, you made many grammatical and spelling errors, so I am guessing it is?

Just trying to get some background on your situation. Are you in a new country on your own and that is why you still want this man in your life? Because from how he has treated you, it does not sound very promising.

As far as is he somewhere in the Autism spectrum, only a professional could diagnose him, you will get plenty of opinions from this forum, but no diagnosis.

I do not understand why you still want to be with him, he rejected you soundly AND no marital relations, what's up with that? Are you OK with that, what kind of marriage is that? Do you want children?

It may give you some much needed relief to realize he maybe autistic and that may explain why he left you. There have been books written on marriages between Autistic Spectrum Disorder people and Neuro Typical people. You might want to check online for them.

There have been numerous threads on the love and dating website about, 'help I think my partner is ....fill in the blank', due to all this jerky behavior'. You might find some good ideas there.

A year is a long time to be hoping your spouse will come back to you. Are you actually still in contact with him? Or is it all one sided, you just emailing him every day? Have you seen a therapist? Would HE go see a therapist with you?

Sometimes people are just jerks and it has nothing to do with Autism. Sorry to say. They are emotionally wounded from unresolved junk from their childhood and they cannot BE in a long term relationship. That is what I think anyhow.

How do you think knowing he is somewhere on the autism spectrum will help you get him back? What if he already knows and he doesn't want to talk about it?

You are working very, very hard to try and understand this man and it does not seem like he is interesting in understanding you at all or your distress. I say cut your losses and move on. He did a year ago. Sounds harsh but unless you have reasons you have not stated here, realizing he is autistic is not going to revive your marriage. Unless he is willing to speak to you, work on the relationship and go from there....

It sounds like a miserable situation, good luck.

All we can say with authority is that he did not treat you well. There could be any number of reasons why and it's impossible to say for certain without hearing his side of the story, I'm afraid.

but please tell me is he autistic?

He may be autistic, you may never know for sure without a diagnosis and you need him to do that.

Jason.

@painting diva.. thanks for such a detailed reply.. yes english is my 2nd lang.. im asian muslim
yes im still his wife as he did not divorce me.. but he left the country without informing me..
he always said that he will come back he just needs some space.. but during all this space crap he left the country..

I'm disordered, not diseased.

In this case it doesn't matter whether your husband is Autistic or not. It takes two to make or continue a marriage. What you have is one, not two. He left you for reasons of his own a year ago, and then left the country. Based on your post he has refused all contact with you, so he is obviously no longer willing to participate in the marriage. It is also possible that he already has a wife in the old country. I don't know what it will take for you to realize that the marriage is over, but saaz, your marriage is over. Just file for divorce based on abandonment. You certainly have grounds for it, and get on with your life.

I am sorry things didn't work out for you guys, but sometimes it doesn't. Constantly emailing or calling someone who no longer wants to be married to you won't fix things. Neither will an official diagnosis of any disorder or disease. Besides you can't get one on him without his going to a doctor and then telling you the results. It doesn't matter, though. What matters is that you are not coping well with the rejection. His rejection of you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It could mean either that he has issues of his own, or the two of you were just not a good match.

Anyway, you are just hurting yourself by the constant mooning over a failed marriage. I thing though, that you need therapy to help you let the marriage--and him go, and get on with your life.

Does not sound much autistic to me - leaving the country goes against autistic need for sameness; and, specially, the whole "I need some space" thing seems quintessential NT (figurative language; an expression very common in popular culture; a non-direct way of saying things...).

Of course, many people in the forum don't know if they themselves are autistic (it is my case, and I know me from 38 years...); how we can say if a person that we only know by a second-hand description (and from someone who, apparently, lived with him by 3 months) is autistic?