Hi. Reading through this forum, I have been impressed with the depth of self-knowledge shown in many of the posts. I think it is a great resource to have a forum like this for all people whose brains don't work in an entirely normative way, regardless of whether or where they fall on the autistic spectrum.
I came here because I am struggling to gain understanding, compassion, and acceptance regarding the condition and fate of my father, who passed away recently and prematurely after a long struggle with substance abuse. My father did not present himself in a fashion akin to the stereotypes of Aspergers. He was very interested in socializing, had many friends, and could be downright charming when he wanted to be that way. He showed flashes of empathy, rather extreme sometimes, that I know were emotionally-grounded and genuine, but the empathy was always competing with a lot of other emotions, like hostility, paranoia, and disgust toward those with whom he also empathized. So he could never really follow through consistently with his empathy--he would be incredibly kind and generous with someone one day, and then scathingly critical, and downright mean and nasty, the next.
I came across the "intense world theory" of Aspergers, and some of the traits described there seemed to resonate with what I observed in my father, as well as most of the men on my father's side. What stands out about my father, above all his other traits, was the sheer intensity with which he seemed to experience everything. He had a surplus of emotion toward every aspect of his life, and the emotions would often clash with each other. When his frustration or anger would mount, he would have an emotional meltdown and would start screaming the most horrible insults at those around him. Often he could only calm down by getting himself high on hard drugs. He definitely had great social acumen but there seemed to be so much going on, in his head, that those social intuitions were overshadowed by other things he was experiencing. Like he could not sort out or anchor everything in his brain, so sometimes he would be incredibly engaging and charismatic, and at other times he would act in a way that was strikingly inappropriate.
He also had an attraction toward sensory experiences that were extremely intense. Some of my earliest memories with him consisted of our listening to music, very very loud rock and soul music, on his stereo system. It was very important to him to have an accurate, powerful, and expensive stereo, despite his limited financial resources. He would play it at near-full blast and get high on drugs at the same time, as if he needed all that stimulation to soothe something that otherwise ran wild in his brain. I remember he was pretty pleasant at these times, and I liked being around him...it felt like I was riding this edgy and seemingly dangerous roller-coaster. The same went for driving--he'd take his car very fast, while getting high, and blasting the music. It was only in these rushes of incredible intensity that he ever really seemed fully comfortable, and at these moments, he conveyed this glowing sense of warmth toward me as well, such that I felt (and I know this is contradictory) safe and secure while riding that frightening edge.
To me, it seems like my father was living in that intense world described in the theory--overwhelming emotion, inability to anchor his behavior despite a capacity for great empathy, and frequent, explosive meltdowns. Yet he manifested this internal intensity not by shutting down, not by seeking repetitive, predictable routines in his life, but by seeking outlets in the outside world for all of the intensity within him. And unfortunately one of the outlets to which he turned was illegal drugs. But he was exciting, explosive, and incredibly dynamic, with a great surplus of emotion and desiring that others relate to him with a similar intensity.
And, though this is not the subject of my post, I find myself sharing some of my father's tendencies as well, certainly in regard to being very intense, but have always been driven to find non-destructive outlets. My grandfather and uncle are similar. So there is something going on with all of us, and I am struggling to understand it, and wondering if there is any commonality with your experiences from which I might derive some insight. Sorry for going on at such length and thanks if you have persevered with me through this post...it is necessary to portray the irreducible complexity of the situation. Irreducible complexity is kinda my problem, and my father's too, though it is also a blessing.
Craig
Last edited by Craig466 on 03 Mar 2012, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
03 Mar 2012, 12:51 pm
