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Jayo
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08 Feb 2015, 4:48 pm

It's not so much a moral dilemma, as it is one of self-preservation, or preserving one's comfort level.

How have you dealt with situations where somebody asked you "I've noticed...such and such...do you have some sort of problem?" at work or something, or like in a dating/courting situation where the other person asked something like "I've noticed that you, well, um, how do I say this, but you seem really bright but sometimes you're just not spontaneous about certain things, you either always think too much about things, or you come off kind of impulsive and say stuff that makes me uncomfortable, I'm really looking for a guy/girl who knows how to go with the flow, and you seem to be pretending you're someone you're not...which is OK I guess, but um er..."

It could happen in various contexts: a crowd of potential friends, house-mates, dating, relationship, at work...and it always left me feeling "Ok, NOW what??" - and I think of my own "selfish" Maslow needs of eating, intimacy, security, belonging etc...and those could be vaporized in one fell swoop if I open my mouth and tell them (it may even be negative and invite hostility or rebuke). So in the past, I tended more towards discretion ("oh? really? I had no idea, what do you mean exactly??") , but the downside of that was (is) your interlocutor may think you're more clueless than you actually are. So they might be turned off or take advantage of you in some way (although you'll be prepared for when they might underestimate you!) - not an easy thing to approach, in any event 8O



ToughDiamond
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08 Feb 2015, 5:25 pm

Jayo wrote:
in a dating/courting situation where the other person asked something like "I've noticed that you, well, um, how do I say this, but you seem really bright but sometimes you're just not spontaneous about certain things, you either always think too much about things, or you come off kind of impulsive and say stuff that makes me uncomfortable, I'm really looking for a guy/girl who knows how to go with the flow, and you seem to be pretending you're someone you're not...which is OK I guess, but um er..."

If those were my traits and anybody told me that so accurately, I'd be very impressed with their social intelligence. Sounds like a brush-off, as if somebody has already made up their mind to take their business elsewhere. If I thought it was unwise to admit to autism, I'd probably only admit to the traits they'd outlined. Hopefully I'd say (honestly) that I hadn't realised how uncomfortable I'd been making them, ask for an example or two of my offensive, impulsive mistakes, accept them without making excuses, promise to tone it down in future. As for the rest, I'd want to say something like "sure, I'm not all that spontaneous yet, and when I tried to be, I offended you. And yes, I'm something of a lone wolf and don't readily follow the herd. I did try to copy the quick-fire humour that the others do, but that doesn't make me a fake person. People tell me I'm a sincere person. I'd be sad if you decided to move on, but no hard feelings if you do."
I don't think denying it or pleading stupidity would be convincing to such a clever person. Even blaming it on alcohol, it might delay things a while, but if in truth it wasn't the drinking, they'd find out pretty quickly and be put off even more.



goldfish21
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08 Feb 2015, 6:35 pm

Depends on what the situation calls for.

Sometimes I play dumb as f**k. Other times I'm totally straight forward about it. And others yet, I'm kinda straight forward about it without getting into any details. ie a time when a boss had given me some feedback and constructive criticism, I realized it was due to ASD symptoms then did what I needed to to get myself under better control.. then asked him for his follow up feedback a few weeks later and he said "you know, you took that criticism VERY well.." to which I replied "I have to. It's neurological." and left it at that. He didn't ask and I didn't say - our exchange seemed to be sufficient, though.


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