"I'm disappointed in you..."

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"I'm disappointed in you..." These four words can make me completely insecure, or drive me into long depression. Throughout my life I have always let other people down. I've heard it from teachers, parents, employers. Every time I hear it, I begin beating myself up verbally, wondering why I can't live up to the impression I seem to give other people. I seem to give people the idea that I'm highly capable, and intelligent since I have some talents, and a great memory for learning - my mind is engaged and active and organized in several aspects. But through my life I have learned that this makes my Aspergers related mistakes seem even bigger to others, when I make them. The obvious ones related to social illiteracy have at their worst come off as deliberate or dishonest - How could YOU mess up something so simple...? -- My last employer took this to indicate dishonesty, and interrogated me for awhile before firing me.

I don't know what to do about this. I'm a people-pleaser by nature, so I care what people think of me - and every time I let someone down, it digs into my psyche and lodges there as a point of returning self-criticism.

Aw, yeah, I have had that coming from my mum so often. I just kept doing everything wrong. She used to throw tantrums because of that. Well, these days she seems to have lost some of that, but I guess she has lost some of her former power, which is a bit sad to see.

"How could YOU mess up something so simple...?" I work at an antique book shop and my boss never spelled it out for me, but that's something he must have felt quite often. I would really beat myself up about the simplest tasks.

I guess this is the main reason why a lot of people with Asperger's are prone to depression.

I know exactly what you mean about the impression you give other people. I had thousands of discussions with my best friend where I'd keep saying that I feel to dumb for life. And she would get really angry at me.

I don't think she ever really understood what I meant. Well, she often said that everyone makes mistakes, but she never seemed to get that I meant that I fundamentally make mistakes. She was the one to mention Asperger's to me though and I said, "Well, I can't have that" because it's just not something that people teach. It's not mentioned anywhere in school, so how could I even know.

The title of this thread sums up how I view myself. I don't know what to do about it. I just hope I won't have to be in too many situations like this. This potential ability to disappoint anyone probably is the reason why Aspies don't like to be with people most of the time. Because people expect to be pleased and they expect you to get things right. They expect you to be "everything" you're not.

Teachers will get frustrated because they cannnot imagine how anyone could not perform their task the way they want you to. But well... exceptions are necessary. I just wish I wasn't the exception so often. It's never something you do consciously.

Also, I don't think this is a nice world to live in. No one likes this world, but we don't take the necessary step to believe in ourselves. At least I have started to like more interesting people. People that interest me instead of people who are of interest for "society".


You know why I always assumed I was so dumb? Because people keep telling you that you're bright, but then you get everything wrong. So they must have been lying. You don't trust these people. You cannot trust anyone.

Those words make me feel crummy as well. I fell into a deep depression at the age of 24, due to the flashbacks of the many times that my parents said that to my many times growing up. There was one time during my depression that I've told my mum that I wish I had a time machine, so I could go back and fix all the mistakes that I've made and reach my milestones on time. My mum told me that I wouldn't be human if I'd be able to do that.

Especially because some of those memories will always be burnt into your mind. Sometimes it's hard to get them out of your head.

I wish I could fix my mistakes, too. Sometimes I wonder whether people would like me or value me more if I could do that.

I agree about the word not being a very pleasant place to be. The world has gotten very ugly over the past 5 Decades. I have one healthy way of dealing with it and one unhealthy way of dealing with it.

The healthy thing that I do is be myself and I allow myself to like the part of the 60s that I like, and be a Kinks Fan. This is my good side, or my brighter side of the only way that I can make it in today's world.

The unhealthy thing that I do is block out a lot the of punks walking by and the graffiti that's spray painted all over the place. It's not healthy to block anything out of your view, but it's my darker side to the only way that I can get by in today's world.

You have to block out so much. There's just so many people on the streets. And... well... everything is breaking down.

I really love that there is still art and music and literature that... can make you feel good. But what we all actually need is a real change. Escapism does not really solve your problems.

Okay.

And that's actually a good way to respond. Very matter-of-factly. Briefly. You're willing to listen to what they have to say, but you're not willing to let them beat up on you.

abyssquick, that part where the former boss interrogates you for a while and then fires you, that's terrible and I'm sorry that happened to you. It's actually abusive on his part, stupid, unnecessary, as well as a waste of time on his part. There was a football coach who, after a player made a mistake would often say, Okay, where were your eyes? But he actually wanted to help his players get better, and not just mindlessly beat up on them.

You know something, even now at age 49, I might be able to say 'excuse me' and get up and walk away from an abusive work situation. But it might catch me offguard and I might not.

I feel this way exactly.....growing up, I never worried about my future because I was certain that I would be successful, end of story. I was smart, dedicated, hardworking, great at writing, great at math, straight A student......I was the perfect kid that everyone was proud of. Except that I was very very "shy" (which I believe is the mislabel that prevented diagnosis from ever happening), but I think that even this little quirk was a favored trait. It meant that I was low-maintenance, polite, unbothersome (more like terribly confused and living in my own world!). I was always told that I would go far, so I believed it. Why wouldn't I?

Well I am now in community college, still excelling at writing and math, still getting straight A's, but realizing that I am hardly successful in LIFE in the way that others around me are. School =/= life. Being "shy" is easy to get away with when you're a little kid, when things are done for you and people don't mind if you don't talk or do weird things. But now, I am trying to make the transition from adolescence to adulthood and I'm realizing that I really have no grasp of anything it takes to survive and thrive in the world. And the people that have always had faith in me are now incredibly disappointed in me. I feel like I am letting everyone down because they thought they had something great in me, but in reality, SURPRISE, I'm actually just a big let down.

Like realizing that your rare antique is just a replica. All that money you've invested in its care and restoration, wasted. All the people you've ever showed it to now think you're a fool.

This really bugs me when we are meant to feel this way. I do not let this bother me anymore unless I feel I have wronged someone or hurt someone's feelings, or perhaps if I have said I was going to do something and then not (most likely because I have forgotten). Other than that I do not care if I have disappointed people, it is their own fault for having expectations of me that I did not ask for them to have. A few examples would be:

A friend asked me if I was going out for his birthday. I said, "I might do, I'll see how it goes" (that's the way I always embellish my 'no's', I also never make commitments unless I'm certain I can keep them, and that's the end of the conversation, no "get back to me when you have decided"). I then don't turn up and when he texts me I say "Sorry I can't make it",he then says, "I'm disappointed in you". I feel absolutely no guilt for not showing up as I did not say I would, he just assumed I would because I didn't outright say "no" the first time I was asked. I then implemented social protocol and said sorry but I did not feel any remorse for not turning up as it was his own assumptions that lead to a disappointment which probably has nothing to do with me in the first place (perhaps they had a crap birthday due to something else), but is being aimed at me because I was the closest person to them. If this situation was reversed I would never say I was disappointed in him because he did not say yes to my invitation.

Another example would be my mum being disappointed in me for not achieving a specific grade back when I was at school. I am in fact not disappointing her, she is disappointing herself by making assumptions about what grades I am going to get and then feeling let down because I did not meet her (perhaps realistic or unrealistic) expectations.

So next time someone says to you, "I'm disappointed in you", ask yourself this; are they disappointed in you (have you actually wronged them) or are they disappointed because you did not meet their expectations, which were bestowed upon you without your knowledge, permission or consent. I will always try and be a good friend and person in general to those around me, but I will not be made to feel guilty because of someone else's unwarranted, projected assumptions of how I should act. Anyway I hope helps you put the situation in perspective, if not then you can at least take solace in knowing that you are not alone in this regard.

Yeah, school - the work at school, not fellow peers - was the only thing I ever could fit into.

Yeah, it's a sad realization. I sometimes feel my mother had the same realization about me. As a kid, it was still ok for me to make certain mistakes, but ever since my teenage years she would use my age to complain about me. Because, you know, "you're already 15, you should be able to do that". And I always beat myself up about it.

Now, as an "adult" - I assume that's what I have to call myself now ^^ - I fail at everything. I cannot perform well at university and I have given up on trying to fit in with my age group. I mostly exist in my head. My "life" has nothing to do with what I think I am. It's like there is two "me"s. One that fails at everything. And another that only does what she wants. ^^


People can drive you mad with their expectations of you. I can still get mad at me if I do not do something right. But I try to understand that it's because it's just not what I am good at.

When I was growing up, I was treated as the hero of the family. I won science fairs and judo tournaments. Then when I struggled with OCD, did a school protest in 11th grade and that slid into a slump, I was treated as the scapegoat of the family.

And I think that's actually a relatively common pattern, where the coin flips over and the hero becomes the scapegoat.

I wish I had had the social skill to say at the 'hero' stage: No, I'm just a regular guy. I have patchy skills, as we all do.

But how would I have known?? And plus, I kind of enjoyed the attention.

Usually when someone says that, it means they are putting themselves, their feelings and their reactions to you center stage rather than perceiving you as an individual who has unique gifts and challenges. When it comes from parents and teachers to a child or teen, then those adults need to look at how they could provide more help to the child. If it's coming from an employer, it's just usually just a passive aggressive way to make an employee feel bad rather than going to the effort of trying to understand the situation beyond the surface level. Ultimately, taking on the on the weight of other people's opinions about you is an exercise in self-defeat--I used to do that until I finally realized it was killing me inside.

What I try to do now is think of the whole Asperger's and earning a living situation as a kind of puzzle, a sort of real life Rubik's cube. Instead of having all the colors together, I have to figure out how to maximize my strengths and minimize situations that emphasize my aspie weaknesses. There are other people are born with so little challenge that it's less a Rubik's cube and more like one of those easy word scrambles, while some people have much harder challenges. If I let other people's disappointment and negative comments bear down on me, that just distracts me from working out my personal puzzle.

In this world NT's have a thousand and one ways of shifting blame onto others, one of there most used is ' I'm disappointed in you', it can be used to rid themselves of talented aspies who they fear could take their jobs from them or to shift a failed responsibility on to a aspie, they are usually bullies with some sort of authority, you know the type teachers, employers, doctors blah blah.

I totally understand your feelings. I know my parents are disappointed in me, and I'm 39 and doing well in life. It still hurts a bit if it's brought up. And I'm not a people pleaser, have good confidence and have been rebellious since I was 14. You must feel a lot worse than I do.

Lucky for me my brother's been doing a lot worse than I have lately, so he's my parents biggest problem to be obsessed about, and they haven't been picking on me. I suspect one day when he get better they'll remember to nag me again.