really, really want to go to university

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I really really much want to study biology. It is all I think of every day. I love biology. I think about it all the time.

I am 21 and a half years old so I am already too old. (But mentally I am still a child and probably always will be). I passed high school top grades student in maths and sciences, but have lots of anxiety and social problems.

So First I worked on those at home. Now I can take bus, train, sit in strange place and ask things in shop, and answer telephone and feed myself and many more. I have learned so much.

But never enough for my parents. Every time I ask, can I go to uni now? They say no. So I ask when, and they say maybe the year after next, or maybe never. I am counting down days but it is so long. Ok, sometimes I have meltdown, sometimes I still get frightend, but things will never be perfect, not for me, not for anybody ASD or not.

How can I go to uni?
Did you go to uni? How did you manage it? Was it difficult?

Since you are an adult, you don't need your parents permission. Just apply to university, if you are going to get an offer, just go. There is nothing your parents can do to stop you. I did things counter to my parents wish all the time. Main examples:

1. While in high school I was taking college level math/physics. My parents were fine with it, but they wanted me to take only one college level course per semester. I didn't listen and took 2 or 3 college level courses per semester.

2. While in college my parents wanted me to take 3 or 4 courses per semester; I didn't listen and took 5 courses per semester

3. I decided to go to grad school a year early. My parents were against it because

a) They wanted me to spend one more year to raise my GPA
b) I wasn't admitted to grad school near home. So they wanted me to try again next year instead of going far away from home

I didn't listen, so I applied to grad school a year early like I wanted to, and I went to grad school far away from home

4. When I was finishing grad school and was applying to post doc the only place I could get was in India. My parents were really worried India might not be safe; but I didn't listen and went to India regardless.

BOTTOM LINE: If you just do what you want to do and stop listening to your parents, there is nothing they would be able to do to stop you. So don't ask ''when can I go to university'' any more; just apply RIGHT NOW and go as early as possible. I mean just because your parents don't think you can do someting it doesn't mean they are right. So just go to university and prove them wrong -- show them you can manage despite their thinking that you can't. Once they see you manage, they will change their minds.

Roman - that is a really cool story.

In real life, I would suspect that this person wants their parents approval and support and they are afraid that if they do not have their parents support - they will not be able to accomplish this on their own.

The bottom line is - I would suspect that you get some kind of SSI and maybe they are worried that you might succeed for a while and then fail and you would loose your SSI....

You don't do something - just because it interests you.
You do it because you are willing to work every day and you would like to choose that for a career.

If you have no desire to actually go to work everyday - there is no reason to go to school. You are just wasting their time and yours.

Thank you. That is a really cool story Roman.

There's a lot of things I don't understand in your replies because you are talking about American systems and I live in Europe.
What is a SSI?

I want to work with biology every day. I want to be a really good biologist. I want to understand about living systems. But I am not sure about work every day because I probably won't get past job interview. Also I have maximum 6 hours a day because it take me a loooong time to do things shopping, getting ready, have shower and I get so tired from lights and sounds. Then I am not wasting my own time? But I think if I get really good, then I will get a job despite everything? That is what hope.

Yes, I need my parents support. Like I said, I am legally adult, and have very high IQ for patterns, numbers, pictures (not words) but mind is still child of 12 years old. And if I don't do what my parents say, maybe they won't help me anymore? And I need them to help me because I can't do any forms and money. And I also need them to play games with me because I don't know anybody else. And I want them to be happy with me.

It sounds to me like you may need to,develop a bit more maturity and responsibility before you go to college. In college you are expected to be fairly independent, but if you did really well in high school I'm sure you could manage the academic side of things no problem. Why don't your parents want you to go yet, is it due to your anxiety/social issues? Most universities do provide disability assistance so if you feel like your problems are affecting you that much you could talk to them and see what, if any, assistance they might be able to provide.

Could you maybe look at studying with the Open University or an equivalent?

Well, what I said in the previous response IS a real life. Everything I said FACTUALLY took place and I haven't exagerated anything.



That is probably the case. But, if so, it is a big mistake. To me, career is more important than anything, and I would never give it up -- support or not. Especially since parents support comes and goes, but she will NEVER be able to ''get back'' all these years she would spent at home instead of at school. She is not getting any younger.



What is SSI?



Okay the above quote shows you misunderstood situation between me and my parents. My parents have never tried to talk me out of having career as a physicist -- they know it is my life time goal. What the did try to do, however, is to try to persuade me to stick to the schools close to where they live which I refused. Apart from that, they also tried to persuade me to slow down (as in ''yes, become a physicist, but graduate in a normal 4 year time rather than 3 years'' or ''yes, be a physicist, but take 4 courses a semester rather than 5 courses'') probaby because of the combination of a concern that I will overload myself as well as a concern that my development will be ''uneven'' with social skills far behind and academic skills far ahead. No I don't agree with their reasoning -- to me if something is ahead it is BETTER not worse, regardless of whetheer other things are behind. But still your assumption that they didn't want me in physics is also wrong. They were all FOR my going to school and never tried to persuade me not to.

Now, going back to Ayna ... I don't think what you said about ''not being serious enough about a subject'' applies to Ayna. At least, she never gave you an evidence to think that it does. I am almost certain that the one and only consideration her parents have is her disability -- the only question is whether they are thinking of academic disability or self-care disability or both. And thats why I think she should prove them wrong. How does she truly know she ''can't'' do something until she tries?

Speaking of going to the store. I remember back when I was 19, and I was going to college at the town where my mom lives, I read an account of some autistic who mentioned going to the store. And I was surprised for several days how come she can go to the store and I can't. Well, guess what ... when I left home at 21 I was going to the store just fine without any problem at all. So the entire thing about ''my being unable to go to the store'' didn't even exist; I simply never TRIED to before I left my mom's place. So for all we know the same might be true about Ayna.

Ayna, I really hope that you will be able to pursue your dreams. Have your parents explained to you, why they think you shouldn’t go? Have you asked other opinions from other people who know you? Maybe you could plan some support systems for you in advance with you parents, other professionals and then later with the university. If the university will know about your autism, they will surely take that into account and give you support. And maybe you could at first go to some lectures without really attending and see how you are coping with it. At least in Finland that is possible.

Based on my own experiences, I’d suggest that before and after you start at the university, get some help at least in planning your studies in advance. Studying and passing the exams wasn’t at all difficult for me, but knowing what courses you need to take to get a degree and how to navigate in the university (system) was.

And for Looneytunes: I think you are very wrong in saying

Even if you are never going to work in the field you study, that surely doesn’t take your right to study away. Science and knowledge, the need to know and explore things is a lot more than a license to work - or the other way around - wanting a job or being able to hold a job isn’t your license to study. I have studied very many things just because they interested me and do so all the time.

Ayna, I think university might do you good if you get some support. And if not university some other possibility to be and do stuff independently. Things can be hard, but sometimes the fact that they are, makes them more meaningful.

Last edited by VisInsita on 10 Mar 2012, 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

SSI is an American thing. I don't think you're in the USA, though, are you? You sound like you learned English as a second language.

Saying you need maturity to go to college: Yes, but you don't have to be non-disabled. There are people in my school who need aides every day. There are people who still live with their parents. There are even a few people who can't talk, and who type on communication devices instead. You can find a way to go to college, even with autism. The maturity you need is the ability to do the schoolwork. You shouldn't have to be able to live independently in order to go to college. If you can sit in a class, listen to the professor and learn the things they are teaching, take tests and do projects, and read the textbooks, then you can go to school.

You have the grades you need to get into uni; I don't see why you shouldn't try it.

Your parents may be saying "next year" as a way of avoiding saying "no". Parents do that sometimes. They may think that you can't go because you have autism; or there may be problems with paying for it.

21 is not too old to go to school. I'm 28 and I'm in school.

Thank you for replies.

Yes.



Yes, they think I will be too anxious and fail within 2 weeks. Also self care problems.



I know, I looked up everything already. I know what courses I need and want to take all 5 years, I know what assistannce I'm eligible for, I know where I want to live, there is a special housing project fr people with disabilities, I visited the buildings. This university is one of the best biology universities in Europe. And it is in a really pretty area, and in a small town, not to busy. I even know how much trains will cost.



This is what I fear. Today I decided: I wait until september 2013. Then I am 22. Then no more waiting, if parents still say no, then I disobey them. I warned them of this.



I read story of Temple Grandin. No one believe she could do it, but she did. I hope to be like that.

Have you thought about distance learning, so you could study in your home environment?

Another option is to self study at home until you mature enough to go to university. There are plenty of internet resources, such as video lectures, which make self-studying quite easy. Just make sure you have that goal of becoming a biologist always in your mind, and you should eventually reach it. There should be a point when you don't feel as if you need your parents *permission* rather than their *advice.* Once you reach that point, I think you'll know you are ready. Overall, science is a lifetime career and missing a few years to work on the social aspects required of a scientist when you are already more than capable in the academic requirements will make you quite exceptional. There is no rush, and you can still learn biology and the other requirements on your own with textbooks and video lectures. It would be worse if you ventured to university when you weren't ready, and ended up becoming demotivated altogether from the experience.

Why wait even a year? Just do it NOW, no more waiting.

The fact that you warned them doesn't change anything. They pretended to listen to your warning in order to make you feel better, but when September 2012 comes, they would just toss out everything that was said a year before and still not let you go to school.

I think you are just afraid of confrontation thats why you put it off. But a year later you will also be afraid so once htey get angry you will put it off for yet another year, and so forth.

So how about not puting it off at all and doing it NOW. The sooner you do it the sooner it would be over. Once you are out of their house they won't have as much means of pressuring you.



See, you KNOW your parents are only putting it off because they don't believe you. If so, why are you waiting another year simply because THEY want you to? If they are wrong, you shouldn't wait another year. You have no other reason other than what your parents say -- AND YOUR PARENTS ARE WRONG.

Go to school NOW. And the sooner you go the sooner you will prove them wrong.

She does not know that she is not mature enough right now. How can she possibly know she can't do something until she tries.



Why are you saying that ''wanting parents permission'' is a sign that she is not ready. Take it at a face value: it is a sign of only ONE thing: fear of her parents. So, logically, her parents are the problem, not her readiness. Yes she is ready, but her parents are standing on a way, and they need to be taken out of the way.



It is misleading to say ''science is a lifetime career''. I know in USA they don't care about the age; but in a lot of other countries they won't even let you become a professor if you are over 35. Now, how many years does it take to be professor? First you need to go to college. Thats 4 years. Then you need to go to grad school, thats 5-6 years. So it is already 9-10 years. But then you also need to do postdocs which might take additional few years. If she starts right now, and she is 21, she would finish grad school at 31 and will have 4 years left to do postdocs and become professor. That is quite tight. She can't afford to wait any longer.

Every word in my sentence has a specific meaning. "Wanting" permission isn't the same thing as "needing" permission. Furthermore, I never stated that she isn't ready because she needs her parent's permission, but she should know she is ready once she reaches the point when she doesn't need their permission. This statement neither directly states nor indirectly expresses the notion that she is unable to achieve success now, only that she is unsure whether or not she is ready. Which is fine if she can learn from her mistakes and try again, if not, she might want to wait until her social abilities develop more before her first and only attempt.



Maybe her ideas will change, but I doubt her current goals involve the commitment and workload which come with being a professor. Who knows though, maybe she'll develop the skills and confidence and her mind will change. But right now that doesn't seem to be in her line of sight. Luckily there are plenty of other job opportunities as a biologist, many of which have far less social commitment and long hours.

You can get elaborate support for going to university in Europe too. The exacts probably depend on where exactly you live but there might even be the option to have an aid of sorts accompany you to university, a person looking out for you so that you don't get lost on the way to and from university and who is by your side in-between classes too.

Edit: by that I mean that I don't see what arguments your parents can bring forth about that you won't survive more than a couple of weeks. Are they informed about all the different forms of support available to you? If you were left to your own devices because there were no services that suited you, then I could understand their opinion but as it is, you're not left to fend for yourself when you're a student.