13 Mar 2012, 4:15 pm
I’m a 19 year old girl... my mum wants me to go to the doctors cause she thinks I have aspergers. I don’t really understand what it is so I had a look at some of the characteristics and I’ve wrote about how I relate to them. Some I can really relate to, others I can’t at all. It’s quite long so I salute you if you read any... I’m just wondering what you guys think, and if there’s any need to go to the doctors. Thank you
Difficulty with social communication
I don’t think I have difficulty understanding gestures, facial expressions or tone of voice. In fact, I feel like I’m the complete opposite, but my thoughts are kind of irrational. When talking to people, I feel like I can tell exactly what someone is thinking/feeling by looking at them or hearing them... to the point where people have called me paranoid (a lot of times). Quite often I’ll be having a conversation with someone and I feel so awkward because I feel like they’re giving me ‘snotty’ looks or thinking bad things about me if they’re not smiling. I always say to my mum and friends ‘did you see the way they were looking at me?’ and they’re always like, ‘what do you mean? You’re mad’.
It’s the same with empathy. I feel like I have way too much for my own good. For example, yesterday morning I was on the bus and I saw an old lady who was struggling to stand up and I started crying! I felt like I could feel her emotional pain. This kind of thing happens often. However, I find it hard to have emotional or intimate conversations with others ...I hate talking about my emotions and how I feel. I try and avoid it as best as I can.
I find small talk really difficult. I actually despise it and I really don’t see the point in it. When people talk to me about the weather, or ask me if I’m enjoying college, all I’m thinking to myself is please go away, this is so phony... and after they leave I feel emotionally drained and I breathe a big sigh of relief. The main reason I hate it so much is because I never really know what to say and I feel anxious and uncomfortable... I also hate making eye contact with people which is another reason I feel uncomfortable, even the people I’m closest to I avoided eye contact.. to avoid awkward silences I force myself to say something related to the conversation but most of the time I don’t know what to say, and I face awkward silences on a daily basis. I always sit back and watch people converse without any problems, they seem to talk and talk without any silences or any problems changing conversation and I always wonder how the hell they do that... and why – it seems so boring when I listen to the things other people chat about.
Though not often, I have used complex words and phrases that I do not understand...more often I will learn a new word and understand the meaning but I’ll pronounce it wrong. I remember when I was about 15, I often wondered why I was so bad at socialising and why I found it difficult to articulate things and I thought to myself, if I learn new words then maybe I’ll find it easier to converse. So I studied the dictionary and read books and when I found a big, interesting word I would write it down and try and remember it and think how I could use it in a sentence. I remember reading the word ‘cynical’ somewhere and when I was talking to my auntie, I described a friend as ‘cynical’...when she asked me what it meant I said I don’t know. That’s just an example.
In general, I don’t have trouble understanding jokes or sarcasm. There’s been the odd time where someone’s said something to me and I’ve took it literally, but for most of the part I understand that it’s a joke or a sarcastic comment. I’ve got a good friend who has asperger’s and once he played a brilliant guitar solo and I said something like ‘that was brilliant, you bastard!’ and he looked offended and said ‘why am I a bastard?’, not understanding that I was joking because I was impressed and wish I could play it. I don’t often experience this, I can normally understand if someone’s joking or not.
Difficulty with social interaction
I’ve always found it difficult to make and maintain friendships. I do have about 3 close friends who I’ve known for years but I find it difficult to find people who I feel comfortable around. I find it hard to connect to most people, I just can’t relate to most people. In high school, I tried to fit in but everyone just saw me as weird and would tell me to shut up when I spoke so I spent the majority of high school alone in the library every lunch time. I met one of my best friends in the library because like me, she had no friends and we started chatting in there and we’re still really close after meeting each other in the school library 5 or 6 years ago. In retrospect, it’s no surprise people saw me as weird because I was. I remember on my first day of high school, some girl in my class asked me what previous school I went to and I said ‘the school of cat tails’ (weird, I know) but I was always trying to make people laugh, even though it wasn’t funny. I remember being about 12 and my auntie asked me how I was doing and I said, ‘not good, I’ve got cancer’ which was so inappropriate to say I know, but I was shocked when she shouted at me for it because I thought it was funny. That’s what my personality was like, and as everyone started to avoid me because of my strange personality I just became more introverted with hardly any friends and it taught me to try and act more normal. I’m still a strange person, which is why I find it difficult to make friends, I don’t feel like anyone gets me. I don’t really have a desire to make more friends though because I look at most people and think ‘they’re everything I never want to be’. I find the majority of people fake and phony..
Love of routines, special interests and sensory difficulties
I don’t really have a love of routines, but I do like to be aware of what’s happening and when. I hate it when friends knock at my door or ask to come in without asking me the day before or hours before. It always annoys me because if I’ve planned to have a quiet, relaxed day in to myself, I don’t like to be disturbed because I’m settled and comfortable. My mum jokes with me and says that my friends should make appointments to come and visit me. Before I’m going to a party or a restaurant for example, I like to be fully aware of what’s happening and what the place looks like so that I can prepare myself mentally for it. If I don’t know what to expect, I feel slightly anxious.
Special interests is what I can relate to the most. I’ll start with when I was younger. I remember being about 9 or 10, this one lasted for a couple of years anyway... on a daily basis, whether I was at home, at an aunt’s house, in school, whatever... I would do the same thing. I’d get a piece of paper, draw six boxes on it and draw 6 random faces. I’d give them a name, an age and sometimes a mini life story. After I’d done it I’d go around everyone in the room and ask them to tick their favourite one. This was an obsession, I’d do it for hours every day. I remember sitting in my nan’s house and my auntie said to me, ‘oh not this again!!’ and then she told my mum I should get tested for autism.
Another obsession I had from the ages of 11-12 or so was observing how people held pens when writing. I became fascinated with it and I’d look at everyone in my class and I’d be able to explain in detail how everyone held their pen... where about they placed it – between the thumb and one finger, or between the thumb and two fingers, ect...I remember being fascinated with how this girl in my class held her pen because it was between her thumb and three fingers (sorry if this isn’t making sense) and I’d try and change how I wrote by copying others way of holding a pen. I spent more time observing how others held pens than I did listening to the teacher.
For the past few years I’ve been obsessed with music. It means more to me than anything else... apart from my mum. I love everything that revolves around it... discovering new artists, talking about music, writing songs, playing guitar/piano ect. It’s my life (I know alot of people say that, but it is) I’m studying music at the moment in college. I could probably happily talk to anyone if the conversation was purely about music. I tend to become obsessed with certain bands or singers and I’ll listen to them almost exclusively for months or years. I remember playing nothing but the Doors for about 6 months and my mum got so annoyed haha. After that, I was obsessed with Nirvana for just over a year and now I’ve been obsessed with Joy Division for 2 years exactly (I remember it was March 2010 the obsession began 
) I’ve read books about them over and over and last year I went to the lead singers house and resting place. I’m going again next month. But yeah I love music and I’m obsessed with Joy Division. I could talk about them all day. One thing I really hate is when I’m on the bus, just me and my music, watching the world go by, ahh... and someone I know comes and sits next to me and wants to talk, so I have to stop listening. It makes me so angry, even when it’s people I like.
Sensory difficulties... well I don’t like bright lights, but it doesn’t bother me too much. Sometimes I’ll sit in the house wearing sunglasses but that’s only if the light is really bright. I prefer dark rooms. I HATE the sound of people eating loud, it goes right through me. I used to scream at my mum when I was younger for eating loudly, but now I just leave the room before she eats anything.
Well, that’s it really. I spent an hour writing it :O thanks for reading this far..so yeah, what do you guys think?
13 Mar 2012, 4:17 pm
13 Mar 2012, 5:20 pm
13 Mar 2012, 5:36 pm
13 Mar 2012, 6:30 pm
Maybe ASD, maybe SPD or maybe something else. Was that helpful? 
You can't rely on just one on-line test. It pays to do a number of tests and take an average. You may want to try some of the other tests linked here, especially the 'Reading the mind in the eyes' and AQ tests.
Of course the only way to get a fairly accurate idea of what you have is to consult a qualified specialist but that can be tricky and/or expensive, depending on where you live.
13 Mar 2012, 6:51 pm
In response to your question of could you have Asperger's, you can have mine. 
However, after reading your description, I think it is possible. If you are interested enough, you can seek a formal diagnosis. If your situation gives you any real problems, you should do that, as there are assistance programs out there that you would qualify for if you had a formal diagnosis. Bear in mind though that there is no cure for Autism/Asperger's Syndrome disorders. They are neurological problems that are hard wired in the brain. Some of us function well in the neurotypical world, others don't do as well, and still others do badly. It varies with the individual. You seem to be doing pretty good, though.
15 Mar 2012, 5:11 pm
