How do you deal with Asperger-related social anxiety?

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I have AS and have a major fear of offending people. Constantly replaying conversations in my head. Ruminating over how to 'fix' the social situation, whether it be an apology or something else.

I need people (human acceptance) and to belong. However, am extremely anxious in social situations. I fear one ill-timed faux pas, whether it be major or minor, will catapult me into permanent outcasthood. I've screwed up social situations in the past and fear the same thing(s) happening in the future.

As someone with Asperger Syndrome, I don't feel 'protected', in the sense that someone will excuse or write off a small faux pas- i always feel on probationary status with people, that i'm weird already and any new off note will freak people out totally. I can't imagine having enough friends that someone will come to my defense if i say something stupid. That's why i feel Asperger's and social anxiety go hand in hand. (Interested in your feedback, if this is the case)

It has gotten to the point where I cannot interact at all with people without becoming extremely anxious, as I cannot read cues or eye-contact very well.....the anxiety makes it a double-whammy.

I perseverate over social situations long after they are over. I constantly think of ways to repair a possible faux pas.

It is wrecking my life and I would like to know how to stop doing this. After all, the fear seems real...it is not like being worried about sharks in a desert. Human acceptance is very important to me but I would like to stop worrying about it constantly....help!?

Even if there aren't any answers to this, anyone relate?

I haven't been diagnosed with anything but I can certainly relate to how you feel. It's hard for me to know when people are offended and too often I find myself "walking on eggshells" and feeling like any wrong statement will cause others to turn against me. I think being the target of bullies in junior high fed this paranoia of offending others and invoking their ire.

It really bothers me to feel like someone might harbor resentment toward me so usually I am overly apologetic, sometimes to the point of being a doormat. Other times, I'll just withdraw and avoid interaction.

I've found that I don't have these problems when I have a sense of trust for the people I'm interacting with. If I can trust a person enough to know that they wouldn't turn against me for any misplaced comment, I feel much freer to express myself in their company. I think this is why I tend to be very emotionally close to the few people I do befriend because in order to have an enjoyable interaction them I need to have a solid sense of trust.

Despite my fears, I get the impression that most people are not as concerned about my actions as I think they might be. A lot of people say and do silly things, but they tend to have more self-confidence about it. Also, I know I tend to be overly sensitive and thin-skinned.

I don't know if I have any answers as it's something I'm still figuring out myself but please know that you are not alone in your feelings.

I usually last half the time others do at every new job we step foot on despite being in a better position to succeed (due to knowing the main boss). I constantly make people mad/irritate/and offend people I work with. My only way around this is to outsmart and/or outdo others on what occasions I can by showing knowledge. But I lack all social skills and have a talent for making everyone extremely mad, whether I talk or stay quiet. I also spook people out by getting in better positions/jobs which require less effort due to being more intelligent (compared to my co-workers).

It usually boils down to not saying the right thing, or misreading peoples intentions, or not speaking up when I should have.

In my personal life I have no social life. I stay alone because I lack the ability to be sociable in a way that doesn't offend people.... I actually have one friend right now who happens to be my boss from all my jobs. He told me the other day I've been a real blessing to him and his family, he invites me out to dinner, and finds me work from time to time. But in reality I'm not really that interested in being social and would rather just stay home...

But there is no real way to handle the social anxiety, I've just become quite compliant/kept myself happy by understanding I have my limitations and despite there being no real favorable outcome most of the time, things are what they are - and I'm not going to stress about it so much. If people start talking to me in a friendly way I usually shut them down prior to starting a conversation - by switching the questions I ask as they start rambling and/or being myself. Sometimes I carry on a conversation but that can be taxing, so I rarely do it...

If I have a NT helper standing next to me feeding me the proper responses, I am usually surprised by how quickly I can get past a social hurdles. Such as the boss asking questions, and telling me what to do - but I'm responding with questions and details. Then the guy next to me whispers "tell him ok!". So i look at the boss and give him a thumbs up and say "OK!". And the boss goes away, problem solved...

But to be realistic when the boss is talking your focusing your attention/getting tunnel vision. Your trying to multitask and your already failing - your missing syllables also while the talk. Your getting confused, and worried - and your trying to seem normal.... But alas you not, oh well.

Last edited by Nim on 21 Feb 2012, 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It has lessened as I have gotten older (I'm in my 50s now).

I don't mix socially so I don't know why I still care what people think of me but for some reason I still do. Afterward I just try to put it out of m y mind and go back to what I was doing with my projects and interests.

Oh, how I will never be able to express to you how I feel your pain! I really connect with you on this one. And I wasn't diagnosed until age 47. I'll give you the short of it, as I see it, and then the long of it.

The short of it: Simply put, you learn how to be someone you're not.

The long of it: What I typed in this post supra, will never be easy. Aspies fight this sort of thing all of their lives. In some ways, I felt gratified reading your post because it reminded me that I'm not alone. I wish I could embrace you for that.

My story, and I hope that gadge, webcam, and a few of the others see this so they can respond, (you'll want to hear from them) is a little different in the fact that the military, unknowingly, trained me to socialize. I couldn't maintain eye contact worth a darned until after basic training. My Drill Instructor just got plum ticked off at me because I wouldn't look him in the eye - until I was forced to do it - repeatedly. I still have the urge to look away - but my training and discipline force me to do otherwise. I also learned to pick up on some (not all) cues such as body language and tone of voice. Not enough to make in society, no, but it was a start. The bottom line is training is one of the keys.

You too can be trained - and you won't even have to join the military to do it! There are books on Aspergers available at your local library. Reading up on it will be a great start. Read all you can. I recommend books like "Look Me In the Eye" and "Be Different" by John Elder Robison. Solutions for Adults with Asperbergers Syndrome by Juanita Lovett, PhD will be helpful. If you are married or have a significant other, Loving Mr. Spock by Barbara Jacobs, a British author may also be a help.

Seeking counseling specifically with training on reading facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and even knowing what to say, is available, even low income people. It depneds on the state you live in as to how to apply for the help.

Never hesitate to seek help. I never have hesitated. It wastes energy and time to do so. And never lose your determination. By never losing that, I rose to a majority in the Air Force Reserve from the enlisted ranks. I'm as disfunctional as any other heavily inflicted Aspie. I have it bad. I lived my life by reaching out. It was the only thing I figured I could do. The only person limiting your potential is you.

You'll have to fight. You'll always have to fight. But things do get easier as you learn and get practice. You'll always be different. But you're also always significant - at least in my God's eyes you are!

There is something else you should remember - and you need to cherish the idea as well: Asperger's can be a wonderful gift. You will have talents and senses that are better than the normal person - and it is these things that can propel you to success - if you train yourself - at times with help - to use these things in the right way.

I hope this helps. You are not alone. There are a lot of different people here on this site. Yes, there are a few that will make you want to tear out your hair. But I still thank God for them because I've learned things about myself and my condition. In the same token, I've made some good friends - and even met a relative I didn't know existed through this site. I thank God for that too.

One last point: There is only one US Air Force - the rest are all wanna be's! Dial 1-800-BIG-BOMB when you care enough to send the very best!

Longshanks

Military recruitment on WP!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Aint a lot of vets screwed up after serving... you know killing people, sometimes women and kids? Or some are dead themselves?

There seems to be quite a few aspie types in the military, so at least you wont be lonely any more...

Last edited by Surfman on 22 Feb 2012, 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

Warriors of a god, with many different names.

Thanks heaps Longshanks. Really encouraging

I have actually been able to overcome this social anxiety. My first two years of college, I relied on alcohol for confidence (not in a severe way like alcoholism, but still definitely not in any sort of healthy way). I got the phone number of twenty-six different girls my freshman year, but when I was sober I would overanalyze everything and freeze. Didn't call a single one, and thus, didn't get a single date.

Spring of my junior year I pretty much decided "F*** this, I'm an awesome guy, why am I so nervous about this?" I had been randomly assigned to a project group for one of my classes, and I became friends with one of the girls in it. She had a boyfriend, unfortunately (still does, trying to get over her now), but I decided I would try my hand at initiating some social stuff. I texted her asking to grab lunch later that week (took two solid hours of planning out how I would phrase it, now that I've done it more it's much easier). She agreed, and we had a very enjoyable time. We still hang out, and she's even initiated some of it. So instead of the world falling in on me, like I felt like would happen, I got to be friends with a model and found a lot of new confidence. Still haven't been able to wrangle a girlfriend out of it yet (turns out the girl I was flirting back-and-forth with last fall is also taken), but I no longer have any qualms about those types of interactions. Hell, even the girl that flat-out rejected me was still flattered by it and is still just as friendly as she was before I asked (she was actually named Ms. Georgia Tech at the homecoming game last fall; I aim high).

Long story short, some switch in my head flipped, I decided I was tired of worrying about what might happen, and learned that I had no reason to worry in the first place.

I used to have terrible anxiety about being around anyone, mainly because of bullying in school, being made fun of for every little thing, etc. Once I got into my teens I started being more assertive and trying on different "roles", I started enjoying the outcast type role and the person who would just say something offensive simply because it was true. I didn't stay that way but for a few years luckily.

After high school, I realized that in the real world nobody is under the intense scrutiny that you are back in school. The more people I talked to, and the more I saw different types of reactions than the standard "appropriate" ones, I realized that the world if full of people who all react differently. That's when I realized that nobody really cares what others do or say. As an adult, the most others will think is that you are a bit odd, but unless you are agressively rude, they won't think you are a mean person. The most they will think is that you may lack some social skills, and most don't hold that against you long term.

I know how you feel because I suffer with the same problem, and I find it's very disabling. There are too many social rules, and they seem so precise, and people freak out too quickly without stopping to give others a chance. But I know this equation:-

Asperger's Syndrome + Self-Awareness = Social Anxiety/Phobia

It's worse to be naturally self-aware when you're an Aspie. You're constantly trying to impress other people all the time that you tend to forget about yourself and then feel miserable about it. I've got a social situation coming up on Saturday evening which is bothering me. It's only a family get-together thing, and we're all going to the Indian restaurant for someone's birthday, and I do want to go and I will go. But I'm worrying about where I'm going to be sat (I do not want to sit at the end again because I always end up being left out of conversations), and I'm also worrying about ordering my meal, when the waiter comes round and asks each individual around the table and you have to shout across the table and say everything you want as clearly as you can, with everybody listening. If I ask my mum or somebody else to ask for me, I feel stupid, and then I get my brother laughing and criticising, ''why can't you just ask for yourself? Christ, how old are you?!'' and all of that s**t. And I'm also worrying about who else will be in there; will there be a screaming brat making me feel agitated? Will people keep looking at me? So little things like that are worrying me already, and they are things what others aren't even thinking about. All they're worried about is what food they want to order, who is going, and what time it will be. I'm worrying about those aswell - AND all the silly little things that seem big to me. It's awful. And I'm only going to be with my family, so it's not like there's going to be other people who I don't know.

It just takes a nice family meal, and I'm already getting all worked up about it. But if I don't do these things, people start getting on to me that I should be going out more and doing things instead of just sitting in my room and missing out on everything, and they do have a point because part of me like a nice change and going out, but it's all these little things that make me anxious what is preventing me from enjoying myself.

I think some other people are the problem more, not so much myself. The way I see it, women criticise if anything about me is odd, and men criticise me if anything about me is babyish (but they criticise anyone who they find has a flaw that is babyish). Like what I said earlier, my brother would criticise if I ask anyone to do something for me instead of doing it myself, he will start criticising and not caring how I feel, and my uncle is the same too. Women might be more understanding over that sort of thing, but they criticise in other areas, like with body language and how much you talk and if you don't speak much due to shyness they immediately consider you as ''unfriendly'' or ''odd''. I think I prefer the way men criticise, but I still don't like them moaning at me about my anxieties.

I actually recently had a breakdown, and haven't been able to leave my apartment for going on three weeks because of overwhelming social anxiety. The fear of judgment and constantly needing to be 'keyed up' in order to 'properly respond' in social situations culminated in horrible fight-or-flight responses at even something as simple as the thought of going to get groceries. If anyone else reading this feels like I do PLEASE DON'T WAIT TO GET HELP because you 'don't think it's bad enough' yet, or you think it's something you should be able to push through on your own. After I get my affairs settled here in Japan, I'll be moving back home, and have already started looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and anti-anxiety medication.

So, to answer the question, I suppose I deal with it badly.

1. This will be an in depth conversation =)

2. I also have Asperger's my friend so i feel very familiar with where you are coming from

3. I read your post.... and there are a lot of things i can say to you compadre... But where im going to start is... about this eye contact. That was a problem i dealt with much myself. The best solution to that is practice. I know it sounds cheesy.... but do you have someone you can practice having conversations with? even if just trying to incorporate eye contact into the conversation.... I feel as though this will get you on the right path.... it did for me in a way... {So basically what im saying is it sounds like you that there are some good habits out there that once you try incorporating into your routine will improve the quality of your day socially and overall =)

4. I'm hoping for more conversation from you amigo ^^
I feel like i have a lot more to say. but ill save it for the next part of this conversation

My social anxiety was actualy masking my aspiness. It wasn't until I lifted my social anxiety through CBT that I noticed lots of other symptoms of Aspergers, now my social anxiety is back with a vengeance

My,my,my. A throw-back flower child who hasn't grown up from the sixties. I can honestly say that I've never killed any women or children. But there have been a few grown men with AK-47's that I've had to deal with. I've got news for you - the grown men I dealt with would kill you without batting an eye as easily and with even greater pleasure more than they would me. See here, these guys view people who don't fight back as weaklings deserving of death. That's their culture. That's the way life is. After 29 seperate engagements I cam back with two flashbacks, no regrets, and my life. What you flowerchild types don't seem to understand is that we go over there because we're ordered to - not because we want to. No one prays for peace more than the soldier - because we know the price we pay. Out of curiosity, my wife was a rifle expert when she was in the army. She fought in Panama and helped to capture Noriega. Does it scare you knowing that people like us fall in love and marry - that maybe we're more normal than you would like to believe?

The bottom line, dear flowerchild, is that freedom is not free. It costs a price. The big difference between you and I is that I am unselfish enough to pay the price. You aren't. You are one of the little bottom-feeding maggots that I have to protect because you're big on mouth and short on courage. You now have my permission to go and slime back under that rock you crawled out from.

Longshanks

It was my privilege.

Longshanks