The carer and zero knowledge of Asperger's.

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I live in supported housing in London which is owned by a husband and wife. The wife is the real carer as she has a mental health nursing degree. The husband has zero mental health training.

The husband comes to the house I'm in (there are two other people here as well as me but they're not here much) every evening. In fact, despite the wife being the carer, I hardly ever see her.

The husband ("R") has zero understanding of autism and my autism support worker (who only supports me at university as the university pays her - she has nothing to do with the carers) says he's bullying me.

For example:

R: you should involve yourself in more activities, here are some community-run activities....
(the activities are run by the community and are basically noisy gatherings with complete strangers and no support - I get extremely agitated in noisy crowded places and I cannot talk to strangers without someone I know with me because I go nonverbal)
Me: I could do that I suppose, but I would get really anxious.
R then throws the newspaper he's holding on the floor in anger and says: well you might as well live here for the rest of your life! You are going NOWHERE! You will never get a job or live independently, and you will disappear into nothing!! !

I don't even know what provoked such a response, I did NOT say I wouldn't go, I just said that I would be anxious.

R keeps telling me that I must do things like talk to strangers at bus stops and make conversation, despite me trying to explain to him what nonverbal means.

R also told me a (possibly fictitious) story about a man who was really intelligent, but had poor social/communication skills. This man got a job, and then R told me "he got fired because he couldn't talk to people properly. That is what will happen to you if you don't get your act together!"

He has also blackmailed me into signing up for a buffet lunch with total strangers at the Civic Centre for people in supported housing in Merton, London. I will have to go there, eat, and try and get the hell out of there as fast as possible, then tell R that it went "great", otherwise he'll tell me off.

R has done many other horrible things, like say that I am immature and "not trying hard enough". And he also said "there is nothing wrong with you, you need to pull yourself together and go and socialise/network with people". Er, I have a severe mental illness and my Asperger's is pretty "bad" (not all parts of AS are bad, but I get severe sensory overload, mutism episodes, inability to socialise with most people, very obsessive etc)...!

R has pushed me into what I can best describe as a deep, dark depression. I have exams in May, but I cannot revise because I am so deeply depressed. I am going to refuse to talk to him because I cannot interact with him anymore, just to save myself from the depression getting as bad as earlier on in my life, when I tried to take my life.

My social worker is hopefully going to contact me today and I will tell her this.

Have you any advice for me on this whole carer matter?

(the wife is not much better either)

If you're not trashing the place or being unduly neglectful, then it sounds like the husband and wife want to pick and choose their boarders.

It sounds a lot like this is gettnig borderline hostile. Do you have any opportunity for altering your housing situation?

On what basis is this "R" visiting you and giving you all this blunt advice? I mean, my wife was a special needs teacher but I didn't start going into schools and trying to teach the kids for her. Sounds like his wife is contracting out to him........can she legally do that? I would have thought not. The guy seems no more qualified to be your life coach than the window cleaner is.

I think it's correct that he's bullying you. I'd check your written contract if I were you, and see if your tenancy is dependent on your listening to / obeying anybody. I've never seen a sheltered house contract, so I don't know if you have to sign away any rights to get one. But I'd be surprised if you could be in any great trouble if you made a reasoned complaint about his rudeness and incompetence, and refused to let him talk to you any more. What's the point in having a carer you can't relate to?

Your care giver is in violation of her contract. Even if she was allowed to send someone in her place, it would have to be someone with the proper qualifications, not Hubby. So you need to immediately tell your social worker what has been going on and that Hubby has been bullying you. Also, you are under no obligation to attend any functions he tries to bully you into, and that includes any you have already signed up for. You also need to contact your so called care giver and remind her that she is in breach of her contract for sending her unqualified husband in her place, and that you have notified your social worker of what has been going on. This lady can lose her license for what she has been doing, or should I say, not doing. She is taking money from the government (the taxpayers provide the cash) to perform a service which she is not performing. She can go to jail for fraud, unless she reimburses the government for the money she has collected under false pretenses. Since there don't appear to be a lot of alternative housing choices where you are, your best bet is to tell this crooked lady, that from now on Hubby is not allowed in to see you as he is not a qualified care taker, and she must make any necessary visits. And if she gives you a hard time, just remind her that she is already on report for defrauding the government by taking money without performing the promised service. Also, tell her that if Hubby shows up to bully you again, you will get a restraining order against him for bullying and harassment of a disabled person. You need to stand up for yourself, or you will have to keep taking this garbage.

Now contact your social worker, and then the care not-giver!

In addition to the other advice, perhaps you could print your post and give it to the social worker as it contains examples of the bullying. Just in case you have trouble explaining things by talking when your social worker is there.

Thank you everyone for your help. I am seeing my social worker tomorrow so I will have a serious discussion with her about this.

However I have actually reported the lack of the wife (the real caregiver) to the Housing Manager and the wife visited once, treated me like crap, and then didn't visit again.

If it hasn't been said, don't go talking to people at the bus stops.