Frustrated & Considering Official Diagnoses - Need Advice

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Hello,

I've been looking for a thread where I can get some advice so when I found this site I figured I would give it a try. To be brief, I've been trying to determine why I behave differently from other people for a while now; I don't remember how I came to looking into Asperger's Syndrome but once I had my suspicions I began looking up everything I could find on the internet about AS. I stumbled across some videos by Tony Attwood and they struck a chord, so through my library I checked out and just finished reading Tony Attwood's 2007 "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" and I am disturbed how closely I (as well as several relatives) related to what was said.

I am currently a graduate student and my university offers free counseling to students... I've considered it a few times, especially after a particularly "rough" first semester. I realize that I am too proud and stubborn to ask for help. My family never believed in counseling and frankly I abhor the idea, but with how rocky that semester ended, it was pretty obvious I wasn't coping and needed to talk to someone, but I always talk myself out of it eventually. The only way I manage to work around my pride is with a little "liquid courage," so after a few drinks I researched the university's services. Later, on a second occasion when the stress got to be too much, I had a few drinks again and contacted the counseling office by email asking to clarify prices, procedure, and if they had services to accommodate AS including initial diagnoses. The response was very friendly but I'm not satisfied with the answer, which is why I'm looking for advice.

First, services are free unless they require medication which I would refuse, on principle and because I do not want anyone else knowing and my family would find out as I am still on their health insurance. This one is not so much a problem. Second, they require I call to make the appointment. I do not like the idea of counseling as is as I do not like talking about myself or emotions. I hate phones and the idea of discussing any of this over a phone unnerves me entirely. Even if I could convince myself to make the call, it would be for an appointment to evaluate me. I understand its purpose but that, too, unnerves me. Third, the response to whether or not they can accommodate those with AS was "we have counselors experienced with Autism Spectrum Disorder." That was not what I asked. Everything I understand is that those, especially females, with AS naturally behave differently in social situations. I know I do this. If someone is not specifically trained to address AS issues, I do not trust their expertise. I also have no way of understanding what that distinction implies. I have relatives that work with severely autistic children... technically that counts as being on the spectrum, but that is not what I am looking for. The other issue I have with this is that I researched the staff at the counseling center and only one profile mentions experience with the Autism Spectrum. I know I am being judgmental, and for clarity I'm going to be bluntly rude, but the woman emphasizes practicing holistic methods, meditation, yoga, etc... I don't want to talk to a peace-loving-hippy. I want someone that can be clinical, purely logical, and who will strictly assist in determining the diagnoses. I think if I can clarify "what I have" I will be better prepared to research my own coping methods.

I realize I am being blunt but this has been causing extreme anxiety for some time and I'm frustrated. I am not an expert so I do not believe self-diagnoses is healthy or accurate, but I do not like the alternative either. I realize if I want a diagnoses I have to speak to a professional but I do not like that option either. It's a constant back-and-forth. I hold my academics to the highest standard but have always had certain difficulties. I was always able to work past them but in grad school I've noticed that some of my struggles stem from these AS traits and in preparing for a professional career the issues are becoming more prevalent. If a proper diagnoses would allow me to inform the professors of areas of difficulty, it is logical to proceed despite my reservations... but I don't want to. I don't want there to be something "wrong" with me.

I'm confused, frustrated, and I don't think I'm capable of processing this appropriately. I need advice and would greatly appreciate... well... anything. Any comments, tips, experiences. I just don't know what to do. My apologies for the lengthy post. Please and thank you.

Even with an official diagnosis you are not required to go to counsoling. Many of us have found that getting an official diagnosis validates our suspicion, is an explanation for the way our lives have evolved and thus provides a strong relief from the uncertainty caused angst you are experiencing. Yes there is a lot of cluelessness regarding female Autism. If you run into it there are a lot of knowlageble experienced people here that will recognize it. Paralyzing anxiety is a common co morbid of ASD. You could avoid the phone by emailing or writing an old fashioned letter which in 2016 would get you noticed.

First, there is nothing "wrong" with you.

And you either are autistic or you're not; a diagnosis doesn't make you autistic. If you are autistic, would you like to know that so you can approach the future armed with strategies that will work? Or do you want to do what I did for the past 40 years; just "try harder"?

I'm almost 42 years old and I was just diagnosed two weeks ago. I spent my whole life messing everything up: social situations, family relationships, academics, work, etc. I never knew why I couldn't pull it all together, I figured I just needed to try harder.

Part of my assessment included an IQ test. My IQ is higher than 99.8% of the population; I wonder now what I might have been able to accomplish with my life had I known about my autism earlier. I would have focused on my strengths (cognitive functioning, focus, perseverance, etc) and accepted and worked around my deficits (social abilities, executive functioning, etc). But because I didn't know I was autistic, I just kept trying harder, pounding the square peg into the round hole. The peg isn't irreparably damaged, but it is damaged.

Be honest with yourself; you are what you are, with or without a diagnosis. I'd encourage you to get the assessment, find out what your strengths and weaknesses are (possibly get a diagnosis) and be better informed.

You only really NEED a diagnoses if you require support, this means you need assistance with jobs, managing money, school work assistance, self monitoring and many other things.

If you just curious about yourself ask a psychologist to have a interview with you and talk about your issues.

Okay, I disagree very much with this one part.
I self-diagnosed at first, and I also "self-diagnosed" many of the AS people I know personally as friends (M&F)- I was right every single time. Most all of those people (myself included) had to seek out a second opinion. Because in adults 99% of people are damned clueless unless you are rainman.

You are not rainman- your chances of being actually diagnosed are very low... especially as a female. Females tend to develop better coping mechanisms, and (at least in my case) are taught/forced to do better socially. It's still difficult though. Also, as a female- it's just different and clinicians have yet to accept or understand that really...

Other diagnoses they might give you look like:
1.)some kind of anxiety disorder
2.) OCD
3.)Some kind of personality disorder: as a female most likely BPD
4.)eating disorder

Not sure how much you've read in this department but here are some examples of what I mean:
1.)http://aspertypical.com/2013/02/07/the-misdiagnosis-of-women-on-the-autism-spectrum-a-shared-story/
2.)http://autismwomensnetwork.org/autistic-women-misdiagnosis-and-the-importance-of-getting-it-right/
3.)https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2015/10/24/on-the-bright-end-of-the-spectrum-and-the-female-autism-crisis/

Also, just to point out NTs don't go around thinking "What's wrong with me????" from the time they are little. They see themselves reflected in others and understand and empathize with the people around them- not really an issue for them. Some non-autistic groups that are neurodiverse but not autistic do eventually wonder "why am I so different" but it's never as pervasive and chronic as what I hear from autistics- especially undiagnosed ones.

Also, I have a very low opinion of most "professionals experienced with Autism Spectrum Disorder"
you ask them about things that are related to autism/female autism, and it's like YOU are the one that has to school them! I even had one person say to me: "what- what did you call it? 'Aspie' what do you mean by that?" Huge Facepalm moment.
And I am continually surprised by the number of people that insist that if you are average, slightly below average, above average or very above average intelligence then you CAN NOT be autistic: the exception being unless you are an idiot savant with you "splinter skill" & "islands of competence". Because all autistics are profoundly mentally ret*d with no chance of ever learning anything ever- EVERRRR. (note: just a teensy bit of sarcasm here- but only a little... )

Another thing- last one I swear!
(I just type f****n novels... you'll have to forgive that quirk o' mine)
I can honestly really relate to what you're saying about the system and insurance, and your family not knowing, and no meds- I did almost the exact same thing verbatim for my undergrad.

I would say an autism diagnosis only really helps- your sanity & perhaps with some accomodations.

I get really angry about people saying: "oh, you're simply too competent for XYZ" <- until I burn out and my life goes up into catastrophic flames... which could obviously could have been avoided- ugh it's just so stupid/irrational.

Honestly, if you are autistic (probably if you identify with it so much) then there's nothing wrong with you- you simply have strengths and weakness like every single other human being on earth- you will merely have a better understanding afterwards- and a fitting explanation.
Feel free to PM if that would help at all- because I could just keep jabbering on, but I should sleep at some point so you know.

Asperger's is a "popular" diagnosis. Almost like some sort of fad. Before that it was ADD or ADHD for which much of the industry has decided that it's actually AS that was mis-diagnosed as AHDH or ADD. You also made mention within your post the following statement...

If someone is not specifically trained to address AS issues, I do not trust their expertise.

Just going to tell you that the trained professionals told me that I would know a lot more about A-S than they would since I have the condition and, furthermore, they talked about "extreme" logical-thinking amongst Aspies. One example given was that, suppose it were possible to build a house in three days with ten people, then a house can be built in one second with a million people. Consider your statement...

I want someone that can be clinical, purely logical, and who will strictly assist in determining the diagnoses.

Logical is not always practical. From what you have described, I get the impression that you have some kind of phobia, and there is also clearly some cognitive-conflicts. This happens when you're too rigid to the point where X must be satisfied before you can proceed with Y, such as your desire for an "official" diagnosis, yet you have a distrust of those very sources. I re-quoted specific parts of your post for specific reasons of things that jump out to my attention (the grey-coloured text for you to review to see the logical-conflicts for yourself).

Furthermore, when I was diagnosed, they specifically stated that there was "nothing wrong" with me but I had Asperger's. Are you familiar with Type A versus Type B personalities ? I am not really sure how it happened, but I went from a Type A to a Type B, was once a perfectionist, but a time came where I was completely broken down, with absolutely no hope or direction or future, when I learned of someone's success-story which made me accept the idea, for once in my life, that failure was acceptable. From then onwards, I no longer viewed interruptions to my plans or progress as failures, but only as temporary set-backs. I learned that I was allowed to try again and succeed in subsequent-attempts even if running into a set-back from any previous attempt.

One thing that I have noticed with these boards is that I am generally a lot more experienced than most of the other Aspie-members. I have had enough life-experience that I have swung through the psychological-pendulums such to the point of having experienced multiple belief-systems (and dis-belief systems). People do not change religions very easily, unless experiencing extreme pain, and I went through enough of the pains to have turned Atheist four times when most people will stick with a single religion or belief-system all their life, and I even had a time where I was driven into a psychosis (such that I came up with extremely elaborate plans as to how to render the entire human-species extinct with various methods that are very similar to the suspicions of the Conspiracy Theorists crowds). From what it sounds like, the phrase "Lighten Up" basically means that you have a rigid enough level of thinking that the requirements of X before Y are almost like a required routine on the level of a religious-belief, and you will certainly experience anxiety when you do that to yourself.

I'm confused, frustrated, and I don't think I'm capable of processing this appropriately. I need advice and would greatly appreciate... well... anything. Any comments, tips, experiences. I just don't know what to do. My apologies for the lengthy post. Please and thank you.

You would be reading an extremely long novel were I to detail all of my experiences. For advice, I strongly recommend that you put some extreme levels of exercise into your routine, even if it sounds ridiculous, such as working towards being able to perform 10000 sit-ups in a single day before the end of the year arrives. The more seemingly "impossible" things you "accomplish" throughout your life, the less "stressful" that future seemingly "impossible" activities should seem, considering how many "seemingly impossible" challenges were met before. I already gave you a tip for not being so self-conscious of what others think about you as it is clearly something you are doing to unnecessarily add to your own stress-levels. I do things that are important, and regardless of what others think about my person, I do things that are important (what I mean by this is that the kinds of activities I do actually contribute to the maintenance/advancement of civilisation/society, real work, not that fake work of all of those money-transfer schemes where regardless of how much those people are paid, all of their work is fundamentally useless to society, such that it would be no different than paying them to hold up a telephone-pole that would stand up on its own anyway).

The first thing you need to do is change your thinking. You have basically created these self-imposed mental-restrictions upon yourself. Some of these restrictions are on a level of what those professionals who diagnosed me called "extremely logical" such that you are too far in one direction (i.e. : imbalanced). Extremism is not much different than Fundamentalism (too literal). Most people are not so rigid with their habits (although NTs can be quite rigid with their expectations of how others are supposed to react to them socially). That might help to explain some of why you find yourself behaving a bit differently from other people. Also, Aspies are generally late-bloomers, the rest will be up to you to figure out. I have lived all of my life in unmapped psychological-territory, such that I had to make my own map, due to the fact that ZERO information was available out in the public about my highly isolated life-experiences, such that nobody was able to relate to what I went through or my experiences, and that still happens to this very day, but I can handle it very easily now since I have already exercised enough "pursue the Cognitive-Dissonance" muscles of my own.

If the councelling is free, i'd say to go and try getting a diagnosis.
This wont get into your official record, unless you want it to be, but it can help you get a lot of assistance and accommodations, under the ADA (or your countries equivalent).

Welcome to the forum

I just wanted to clarify, are you hoping that these people will actually be able to give you a diagnosis? Or are you just wanting a referral to someone who can?

From the info you've given it sounds like they are just able to offer counselling, especially if they didn't directly address your question about diagnosis.

Thank you for all the replies and the welcome. And I don't mind the long responses at all. It's all greatly appreciated! I need some time to process everything that has been said; there's a lot to think about...

As far as my university's services, I was hoping they could give me the actual diagnoses, not just a referral. I found a second program associated with the school, contacted them and explained what the first program said, and they responded that they specifically do provide the assessment/diagnoses. It's not free, but they don't take insurance, so I'm waiting to hear just how much it would cost.

I only know the basics of Type A and Type B. I believe I would be classified as type A as yes, I do hold myself to very strict routines and expectations. I am a perfectionist with a few quirky habits. I realize it's not considered healthy by most standards but as I see it, my value is determined by my success, work-ethic, and intelligence, and I like it that way. It makes me proud to succeed academically. I'm certainly no savant but I will - quite literally - push myself to the point of breaking to succeed. This is one of the reasons I had considered trying the counseling... I know what I put myself through is not healthy and borders on "unstable" at times, but how can I say I earned something if I'm not willing to kill myself for it?

I grew up with very specific expectations; I learned what to say, what not to say, and what I needed to do to make my parents and teachers proud and respond favorably. My family is very loving and supportive, but this is just how I was raised. And yes, my thinking has always been extremely literal. As an example, there was a major rough patch when I was little where I had to learn how to identify sarcasm... let's just say it was a very hard lesson to learn. Literal interpretation hasn't been much of an issue since then as that's how my immediate family behaves as well, but it is one of the main reasons I'm looking into AS more thoroughly. Previously it was most noticeable by other people in my sense of humor but people are generally willing to accept that people find different things to be funny. Recently though it became an issue with understanding assignment/exam instructions and directives at work. At work they just assume I'm a bit "particular," agreed to thoroughly explain *why* I am doing something, and gave me a special project I can work on when I've completed all my tasks... I can't sit idly it work, wasting time and money. School-wise, I talked through the fact I misunderstood some directions with my professor and she made sure to clarify all instructions to the class from then on, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place. It is my job as a student to be prepared, not her job to accommodate me. I get the slight impression she might assume there's something different in how I interpret things as after our meeting I noticed she changed some of her teaching methods and how she words things. Or maybe I'm reading into it too deeply.

And yes, I am very much considered a late bloomer by other people. Generally though where others say I am immature, I just don't understand the "normal" behavior, it honestly doesn't make sense to me. Generally this comes into play socially. Reading Tony Attwood's book was very trying as in almost every instance of "a normal child does A while a child with Asperger's does B" or "I suspect children with Asperger's think this..." The "asperger way" always made sense and there were times when the second phrase was used that I couldn't help but think, "Wait, isn't that what everyone thinks?" It's frustrating and makes me feel like an ignorant kid.

Recently I did start exercising at high intensities to try and take the edge off (regarding this topic and other life stresses). I can tell when I start getting too into my own head and angsty, but I was a dummy and didn't work my way up to it so I severely pulled a muscle and then continued to try to push through it... bad idea. Not trying to throw a pity party, but it was a dumb move so exercise is currently off the table. I certainly hope to get back to it a.s.a.p. once it's healed.

You guys have mentioned some of my biggest concerns - having adopted coping mechanisms and being considered "too competent" to be diagnosed, and that frankly, yes, I worry a professional wouldn't be as knowledgeable as I am about the topic... and I'm still just learning! My program's cohorts are all "quirky"... we're in an odd field, so my friends have assured me that I don't behave oddly (I haven't mentioned I suspect AS, just that I feel I act odd) but that we're all a bit strange. But I think many of them don't feel like this or obsessively think about it. I can't say I realized NT's don't think this way... I assumed most people my age with the whole "quarter-life crisis" thing did, in fact, think like this... I think that is something I need to consider more...

If you don't mind me asking: what are you pursuing in Grad School?

My brother's wife is named Jeri.

Hopefully, the college will be able to diagnose you, and do it with little or no cost to you.

If you've read Tony Attwood, and you see yourself in how he describes Aspergian people, then you're probably Asperger's. Tony Attwood struck a chord in me, too.

I was originally diagnosed with autism at age 3, due to a lack of speech (or anything else, basically). Then, I was diagnosed with brain damage/injury, and went to special schools. I fit the profile of the Aspergian Child to a T, I realized in retrospect. I monologued, I had obsessions with certain subjects. I didn't have the so-called genius component, though (alas!)

I came across Asperger's around the late 80's, and read Tony Attwood in the 1990s. I realize this fit me to a T. If you would read ELIJAH'S CUP, you'll see quite a bit of me (it's not about me, though!)

I'm usually a bit more articulate, and I realize that you value substantive, academic writing.

This is neither--so forgive me!

Regarding exercise, just going to say, more repetitions is better than more muscle. Bench-pressing the 20 pound bar 1000 times in a row is better than trying to bench 200 pounds for 12 repetitions. Once you can handle 1000x repetition then you can safely move onto doing a 30 pound bar at 1000 repetitions. When I said, extreme, I did not mean going into acrobatic-levels of skill from the beginning.

Yes, you always need to stretch and warm-up before each exercise-session, lest you injure yourself. I went to do some acrobatics the other day after many years of not having perfomed somersaults and twisted both some muscles and some bones/ligaments in my spine when I had lost the conditioning that I needed to perform a full-rotation to land on my feet properly (instead receiving a shock-wave from my tail-bone).

Fortunately for me I eat extremely healthily, and can recover from injuries quickly, plus I have advanced levels of injury recovery knowledge available to use at my disposal. I was able to start walking around normally after about a week when it would usually take most people three weeks before they could sit up or stand up from a position with back on the ground or standing from a sitting position.

Kraftie, I appreciate your reply and don't mind at all your writing style. I'm pursuing a Masters in Art History. I didn't realize monologue-ing was such a big factor as that was only mentioned briefly in the book... I spend hours talking to myself everyday and it feels completely natural. Is that not something "normal" people do, too? I'll be sure to look into Elijah's Cup as well.

Nothing as intense as acrobatics, though I wish I was that skilled! It was just an intense running exercise that I made worse by trying to "run the injury off" for a few hours.

I may still consider the counseling since it's free but the actual diagnosis is definitely out... $2000! Maybe I'm being naïve at what's involved but I had *no* idea it would be that much. At most I was expecting about $200... Isn't it just like an interview with some tests thrown in? I guess it doesn't matter now, but it's so frustrating. Frankly, I originally thought just a basic assessment would be free... I can understand actual, consist therapy costing money but $2000 to say "your suspicion is in/correct" is ridiculous. There is a free "mental health" screening but I don't believe that is what I'm looking for either as that's listed under stress/eating disorders/substance abuse/harmful thoughts. Is this what everyone on here goes through?

Also, I just wanted to say thank you again for the replies. I haven't mentioned this concern to anybody before and it's a little therapeutic just getting some feedback.

I enjoy art history as well; I'm fascinated how artists were able to get around the many religious restrictions which were still in place during the Renaissance. Apparently, Mannerism was a subtle attempt at satirizing "conventional" Renaissance Madonna and Child-type art.

Have you looked into whether your college could give you a diagnostic assessment for little or no cost? Or maybe look into being a subject of a research study which studies autism. I've heard of autism assessments being performed as part of these studies.

I have looked through the university and the only actual assessment provided is for the $2000 I mentioned and I have contacted several departments. The only free services are the counseling or the mental health screening (though from the site I believe they are technically the same procedure and office). I have not looked into research studies though that is an interesting idea. I will have to look into it. Thank you for the suggestion.

If you would Google "Autism study subjects" or something of that ilk, you'll find studies.

I was just about to recommend this ^^. Good suggestion kraftie.

(not to be a super pessimist BUT) I would say you might have a hard time with that perhaps because most autism research things specify MALES ONLY <- b/c idk they are as*holes? It's not as if they are looking at something "male specific" like - rates of testicular cancer in AS people.... just regular ol' autism research (however anti-autistic that may or may not be). But they still specify males only- blows my mind. Like what - you wanna keep the distorted gender ratio in autism 10 to 1 (or whatever the heck it was) in tact? How is completely ignoring female autists helping that and what does it mean to have such skewed data hmm!
Also, since men and women can be autistic this tells you genetically that it has to be located on the X chromosome so... why only males?? I'm being a bit rhetorical here, but nevertheless .

With regards to talking to oneself... I don't know of any NTs that make this claim... hm. I do this ALL of the time... hmm!

And the reason that it can be so expensive is because the autism diagnosis is or can be so much more than just a questionair you know? It involves intelligence testing, diagnostic tests, sometimes brain imaging, interviews with you and sometimes family. etc. It's pretty involved and it isn't covered by insurance usually and it's just plain ol' expensive.
Which is why a lot of ASers settle for self-diagnosis (and why it should be considered valid).
Also, think about it, an NT is never gonna be like "Oh, I do that too" maybe one or two things but not most of them. by the very fact that if you are autistic you will act and feel it once you know what that is... If it quacks like a duck looks like a duck and acts like a duck that doesn't mean it's a cow just because it doesn't look like the duck you saw the other day or in a movie once. Honestly, I wish basic autistic assessments and such were free or very cheap because it would help autistics out more. Too bad Autism Speaks and their ilk couldn't focus on things like diagnosis and resources for current living autistics/ suspected autistic people