Don't know what else to do.

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This is a bit long, but I thought I should share everything that I can think of right now so people would have a good idea of what's going on.

I'm an undiagnosed 19 year old female. When I was about 14, I was seeing a psychologist for a swallowing phobia and anxiety. That's when I first heard about Aspergers Syndrome. My counselor said that she thought I might have it. I looked into it after that, and I felt that it made a lot of sense, but I never looked into it further. My cousin is believed to have some form of autism, but he has never been diagnosed either. I am going to go through the testing soon, but I don't have the money right now (found out it's $700 and up, and the insurance won't cover it). Anyway, I don't know if I have Aspergers or not, so I thought I could maybe get some opinions from the community.

Basically, I've always felt different from other people, and I've always been deemed a weirdo. My whole life I have gotten the "why can't you just be normal," or "why can't you be more like ______" from my parents and other people. I was sitting on the bus yesterday, and I realized that I felt like an alien in my own skin. I felt as if the real me was living somewhere inside of me looking out through the eyes of the body that I'm in. Maybe that sounds weird, but I have thoughts like that. I don't feel like I think or even seem like the people around me.

When I was younger, I would get fascinated by certain topics and subjects and I would research and read every possible thing that I could about them. I still do this to some extent. For instance, when I was in third grade, we learned about dinosaurs and I became really interested in them. I watched every documentary/movie on them, and checked out dinosaur books from the library. I watched the Nightmare Before Christmas VHS tape so many times that the tape came out. After seeing the movie titanic at around 7 or 8 years of age, I started researching that and doing the same with books. I remember checking out a book that had 800 or so facts about the Titanic in it. I checked that book out several times. Today, I constantly research and read about astrology, politics, communism, evolution pertaining to human anatomy, portuguese language, quantum physics and the universe, etc. I find these topics interesting and read about them. The only downside is that it's hard to find someone to discuss my ideas and findings with. No one seems interested in talking about these things. They often say, "That's too heavy a subject for me," or "I don't really care about that."

I've also always had social anxiety. I've gotten better over the years, but it used to be really bad. I used to always walk with my eyes on the ground and never made eye contact. I couldn't talk to people. I used to walk with my arms at my side rather than moving them like other people, and my parents used to accuse me of "walking like an ape." After hearing that so many times, I observed other people and just started mimicking their actions. Now I walk with my arms moving out of habit from forcing myself to do it. I've also noticed that I've copied other things from people, too. When I was in middle school, I liked certain handwriting, so I incorporated it into my own. I met a girl in high school that was very social and well liked, so I copied the way she talked and acted and tried to use it. I've copied phrases or things that people have said that got good reactions out of people and used them in my own conversations. I look people in the eyes now, but sometimes I think I might end up staring, and so some people might be intimidated by it. I've learned to fit in by observing how others act. I can't speak in public. If I have a presentation to do for a class, I panic and get anxiety. When getting up there, my face turns red, my voice goes out, and I start having a panic attack or crying.

When I was younger I often had emotional outbursts when my parents would yell at me or discipline me. I still have them sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by something. I'll just bust out into tears.

I get distracted very easily, and it's making it hard for me to succeed in college this semester. I have to dorm, so I share a room with another person. It's my best friend, but she never leaves, and is such a distraction for me. I need a quiet place to be alone, or else I can't get anything I need to get done done. I also have some sensory issues. Certain noises will make me feel like someone is twisting my spine or as if my head is going to burst. I can't sleep unless it is absolutely pitch black and completely silent. I have this obsession with textures. If I'm in a store and I walk by something that looks like it has a pleasant texture, I have to reach out and touch it.

I find myself waking up in the mornings and more often than not settling for wearing sweat pants, a t-shirt and a jacket for the sake of being "comfortable." Sometimes I have to remind myself to shower and brush my teeth even though I don't feel like it.

I've never really had friends until I met my best friend in college, but even she doesn't understand me sometimes. It's hard for me to start up conversations with people, and even harder to keep them going. Relationships are even worse. I'm so in need of affection and love that I feel I come on too strong sometime and scare the other person away, or I tell them how I feel and they don't feel the same for me. I found out that something I do is called "scenarios." Before making a call or even going to talk with someone, I have to come up with a dialogue in my head and plan how I will respond to possible things that they could say or ask. I constantly play out scenes in my head of how I would like something to happen, how something could happen, how I would react, and conversations I could or plan to have. I replay old conversations and have them the way I would have liked to have had them.

I always have the weirdest thoughts and ponder the strangest things. For instance, I enjoy the idea of parallel universes and how we each have the possibilities of living every possible way at any given time. I do have a hard time in school sometimes. I feel like it takes me longer to figure things out. I especially have trouble with math. I get the overall concept of math things, but make mistakes in my calculations often. I hate my portuguese language class, because the professor asks questions to students in portuguese and they have to respond. I'm good at portuguese, but I have to listen to him and try to come up with an answer in my head before he puts me on the spot and I look like a stupid blathering idiot. Oh, I also have a way of strange words.....when I was chatting with a friend the other day, I used the word "bed chamber" for example, and I often speak very professionally.....

I played with Barbie dolls until I was about 14 years old. When I was a child, I pretended to be other people and acted out scenarios. I had conversations with people that weren't there. Not like an imaginary friend, but like I would actually pretend to be someone and to have a conversation with another person.

I suffer from mood swings and depression from time to time. It has gotten worse as I've gotten older.

My mother used to get onto me when I was younger, and still does sometimes, about me being too loud when talking. She also says that I "get on a topic and won't shut up about it." I think she gets bored of hearing about the things that fascinate me, but I don't really notice until she gets irritated and tells me to shut up about it.....

I pretty much just feel very misunderstood, and so very unlike all of the people that I am surrounded with. I've been accused of "being mental" and "intimidating people" my whole life, and if I end up getting diagnosed with Aspergers it will be a big relief, because at least then I can feel as though I'm not alone in feeling things the way that I do. I know this is a lot of information, but it's pretty much how I feel, and I would love opinions on the matter....

This is what people made me feel like whenever they tried to get me to drink. It's odd, not drinking alcohol seems offensive to a lot of people. It is considered rude, as if it was a conscious effort of me not being as "normal" as other people. That is the basic root. It's not the not-drinking part, but me not adapting to their standards. A lot of these things that I do are not done in order to make myself less normal. It's just the way I am.


As far as I can tell, that is pretty typical in Asperger's. I always felt I'd be more comfortable as a different being. I never felt very "human". I think a lot of this is due to society though. Because people make you feel less "human". Actually, I don't think there is such a thing as "human" anyway. Human beings are different to other animals, but we're still only a part of nature. It's just because we are "human" that we think we're so special. You know how Philosophy talks a lot about the limitations of human thought? That we are not like Gods who know everything? I think it's just a different way of saying, "We'll only accept what WE as human beings understand". Many people talk about how human beings have changed the world, but it's only the world as we as human beings perceive it.


I guess that is because it is not "needed". I always found this strange. Because where would we be if we had considered everything but "the practical" necessary?


I don't think thoughts can be weird or strange, it's just not something you're "supposed to do".


The obsession with "the norm" just makes life more difficult. I don't think there's anything wrong with being "different". To be honest, I don't think a diagnosis would be necessary if the world was fair and nice to live in. Which is, of course, an utopian idea. ^^

Many people only feel isolated because they think of the norm. The norm is everything you're taught to relate to. If you do not fit the norm, there is something wrong with you. Moral is just about norm. I don't think it's a very healthy concept. Moral only makes sense if it makes life easier, but often we do not know what makes life easier.