Being Too Sensitive?

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I have noticed that if I feel somebody is trying to take advantage of me because I am a HFA, and they think I am gullible and won't stand up for myself, I get extremely pissy and I get hot real quick. Do you feel I am being over-sensitive about having HFA? I am just curious; do other people with HFA act this way?

Nope... unless you're wrong.
For many years I had a string of people that were 'users'... especially shallow pretty girls... as long as I gave them whatever they wanted they acted like a friend and insinuated more was possible until I started valuing myself more. If you think they're using you then decline their request; but keep yourself calm in case you're wrong.
JD

I also have trouble looking someone in the eye if I think they're ripping me off or coming on to me when I don't desire it. I have a little conscious mantra thing I do to empower myself to look in their eyes. (It probably sounds stupid in print.) I have to remind myself that I am in the right and they should be the ones looking away - and they do.

The good news is that being over-reactionary is something you can work on if you can recognize it as a problem. Take the time to think about ways to respond to different issues. It's not that you don't have a right to get pissy about someone taking advantage of you (how rude!) but do you want to show your hand to someone who has such low integrity? Don't you think they might find ways to use your distress to their advantage? People like that can be pretty ruthless. Don't expose your weaknesses.

Who cares if they want to be like that. It doesn't have to affect you. You don't owe them any sick pleasures they may get at your expense. And you have to be careful. Consider criminal motivations. Some people want to throw you off so you'll rush into signing something, or not pay attention to their partner riffling through your wallet,.

It's always better to keep your cool and observe the situation as long as you can before responding. It's not absolutely necessary that you share your first, second or even third gut reactions with them ever.

When dealing with bullies or manipulators, I consciously divest myself of emotion. It took years of practice and I'm not the most likeable person when I set up my defenses - but I get whatever task done the way I'm doing it and if any feathers are ruffled, it's only over social graces and nothing really real. People who know me understand what's happening and if they're watching close enough, may even rally support. (which is very cool)

Evenstill, it's disheartening to have to remain on guard so much. I want to trust people. I want to be everyone's friend. I seem to have this innate love for everyone and everything - even people who are mean to me. I want to live in Mayberry where it all works out.

When someone is trying to manipulate my commission vote, like, almost bribe me (I know!! !) I get nervous/offended, but I'm not sure it's happening so I can't make any outright accusations. Near as I can tell, successful transactions rely heavily upon social cues. Even if I wanted to take a bribe, I wouldn't know how to communicate my intentions, or when. Hahahahaha! I'm so insecure socially I pretty much get the business done and go home to my dogs. I'm not friends with those people but I enjoy working with them to make my city a better place.

I am very sensitive about having AS. When I was a child (after I was diagnosed) I used to hit my mum on the arm if she mentioned AS to anyone, because I got so ashamed and embarrassed. If a teacher mentioned it to me at school, I used to go all hot and my blood ran fast around my body and my heart pumped really hard, and I sweated all over. I think this was from shame and embarrassment too. Then when I was a teenager, I used to burst out crying if anybody mentioned AS to me.

Now I still feel as ashamed and embarrassed as I always have, but I don't react so harshly. Instead I just grunt with shame. But I am very fragile about it. This is why sometimes I get angry when weird things about AS are mentioned on WP, like we are ape men or we all have physical differences of stuff like that.

I try not to seperate myself completely from NTs. After all, I'm only a person with a neurological condition. I'm not some sort of monster.

Yeah that is why it really sucks for people like me who can't always keep their cool in these situations no matter how hard they try not to care. Though on the specific topic here, I am not embarrased about having AS and did not even know I did till I was 21 but when people set me off by doing what you described I don't have a 'keep my cool' switch. Sometimes I can suppress any outward emotion, but I can't even describe how uncomfortable and exausting that is.

I don'tthink you are too sensitive about it at all, and I think that maybe one of the reasons that you are so sensitive about it is that you worry that you are being too sensitive about it. (I hope that made sense)

I've found that when somebody is even a tiny bit more sensitive than most others about something, that it's usually only others who either share the same level, or at least a higher level than normal of sensitivity about the same or a similar issue, who do not think the person is being too sensitive. Most people will think that anyone who has even a slightly higher level of sensitivity about an issue, is being too sensitive about it, unless they too are more sensitive than normal about the same or similar issue. In other words, if they can't understand it, they think you are being too sensitive.

I also think that when someone is more sensitive than average about a certain issue, their concern that others may feel they are blowing it out of proportion only adds to their sensitivity and heightens it. When the issue is something that manifests itself in social and behavioral actions, the person with the sensitivity has additional anxiety because they not only worry about the issue being noticed, but they worry about their sensitivity about it being noticed, thus giving them a double whammy of perceived inappropriateness.

In other words I think that you may be being too sensitive, but the fact that you are sensitive about it may cause you to be more sensitive because you may not want someone else to notice the issue itself and not only the sensitivity you feel about it, but also the higher level of sensitivity about it. Thinking about them knowing about it, and them knowing you know about it and that it's bothering you can be causing you more anxiety than neccessary. They probably notice your sensitivity more than how your HFA effects you. The sensitivity and anxiety over it can cause exacerbation.

Did that make any sense? I'm very, very tired as I was sick and didn't sleep last night really.

Sweatleaf, honey, you need to stop focusing on what you can't do and don't compare yourself to others like that. You're only 22 for Pete's sake. I've got 30 years on you. I was a total hothead when I was younger. I lost several jobs because I felt mistreated and said so, once even punching a guy in the nose. (This was back when it was "ok" for men to grab a secretary's ass.) I've been working on myself for 52 years.

Cut yourself some slack. Set some goals and work in that direction, focusing on what you can do. I make lists - a list of accomplishments to encourage myself that I have worth - a list of skills I could use to make money or help someone in need - a list of wishes - a list of challenges - whatever my motherly mind thinks I might need. Most of these lists end up shredded into the compost pile but just the listing gives my mind a direction for improvement.

Well I applied for a job and had an interview and am just waiting for a call back to find out if I got it...otherwise I have to keep looking the only real goals I can think of at the moment but its not a bad start. I just don't know how to not feel anything if things are bringing me down, or frusterating me. I mean as I said I can use every ounce of effort I have to suppress any outward reaction but what it does to me mentally is what concerns me. I mean I would not mind knowing how to just turn off having any emotional response, trouble is I don't and I have not found a drug that can do that either.

I agree 100%. Thanks for pointing that out.. it was that epiphany that turned my life around and ended my long depression streak. It doesn't seem like there is a lot of hope sometimes and things don't change in a hurry... instead you make little changes over time that gradually allow you to climb out of the depression rut. For me it started with a lot of soul searching to think about what was really wrong in my life and what kind of work I was most ideally suited for.

I realized there were things that I could do that most people couldn't or wouldn't. It isn't so obvious in teenage/high school years but as an adult it became super obvious. When I started using my Aspie traits that made me obsessive for my benefit and others things turned around. I needed a little pushing to start doing that because I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself; I hope sweetleaf finds that person to encourage her to take that leap of faith. I didn't even know I had Aspergers.. I just knew that I was different from other people.

Once I accepted that it wasn't going to change to be like everone else things got better... trying to act like someone I wasn't was exhausting and pointless; trying to please everyone was a pointless exercise too. Happiness started with accepting myself and no longer caring about the judgement of shallow pathetic people while continually working to improve in areas that I want to improve in.

unduki is right sweetleaf! Take a hard look at yourself, your life, and your abilities and make a plan for your life knowing that it will change over time. It may not be obvious to you what your gifts are - I assumed everyone could do what I could do. If there are skills you need to have... get them; it starts with a change in mindset that requires that you accept who you are and LIKE who you are. Only when you like and value yourself will others like you too (except for those rare people that see past the signals you're sending the world). Get the mindset that if you're afraid of something then you'll do it anyway (unless you're being coerced) - because you refuse to be ruled by fear. Find that strength in yourself that has allowed you to endure the verbal and other abuse and use it to pull yourself out of this funk you're in. It is your life and you're choosing how to live it every day.

You should see the huge yellow liver spots I have under my eyes from trying to supress my feelings.

I look like an old man FFS and I'm only 38

You're not going to find a drug that will do that for you.
For me stopping my blowups started with one simple change in myself.. before reacting to people where I felt threatened, hurt, or insulted I simply tried to answer WHY they were doing it. That little changed sometimes caused me to realize that I was being overly sensitive and in other cases I realized that they weren't even mad at me... they were just venting. Instead of blowing up I simply stated how they made me feel. As calmly as I can I say something like: "I'm sorry; I may be being overly sensitive but I take offense to what you just said. Just because you think something is normal doesn't mean that it is acceptible to me. For a long time racism was normal; being normal it doesn't make you more right." Trying to suppress your natural reactions causes them to fester and blow out of proportion. Instead try what I do - be open, direct, but calm and simply state how you feel. NO ONE can argue with how you feel

If I can't calm myself down I find a way to LEAVE long enough to cool down.. even if it is just to go to the bathroom. Blowups make you look immature and usually it is. Then I come back and say what I need to say but I DON'T let if fester anymore.

Well I don't want to be like everyone else and am aware that's not going to happen so I've accepted that....for now I am working on trying to find seasonal work just to get a little income and some work experience, don't know that's really going to make me feel better over-all but what else am I going to do sit around and do nothing? So yeah I am trying to keep my life going...and I've accepted who I am i just not nessisarly like it all the time and I guess I don't feel I can make myself care enough about myself to value myself too much......I mean I don't see what's so great about me.

Luckily liking and valuing myself is not really a requirement for other people to like me....otherwise I'd be dealing with all this totally alone without any friends or any family members who would tolerate me. But I do see your point with that, I would say the main thing for me is if I make my best effort to not beat myself up too much then I don't misunderstand peoples intentions and think they have something against me as much...so it feels more like people like me if I am more accepting of myself. Also to be honest I have not endured the verbal or other crap very well at all......its only caused me more problems then I might have otherwise had.

And I am not sure sure I have that much choice, I mean if I could choose how to live I would have some form of income...not have PTSD or a bunch of horrible memories of bullying, being misunderstood constantly ect. I can more or less choose what to do about that, but I can't go back and make it so none of it never happened to effect me. But I don't know I'm trying not to let things get me down too much...easier said than done I suppose and hopefully seasonal work will help some if I find anything.

I don't think you want to turn off your emotions, just reserve them for things that deserve your energy and attention.

What trained me the most for repressing my reactions were the countless times I got punished for having wrong thoughts.

I really can't change the way my brain works (I've really tried) so I've found ways to work around the difficulties.

Dealing with depression is hard. Everyone has to find what works for them. I have a shelf of funny movies - mostly Bill Murray - that I watch when I'm feeling poorly. I have MP3 files of happy music that I listen to as I work in the kitchen or walk around my yard, working out an issue. I have other files of dance music and I dance my blues away. I play a banjo because it makes me laugh inside. I have a greenhouse and an acre and a half of land to landscape as I please.

Find what brings you joy and use it to run off your depression.

I really hope you get the job and that everything works out.

I have tried that and usually I come up with things like 'they're better than me', 'what did I do to cause this', 'why do I always just piss people off.' ect. That is if I do that when I start freaking out about the situation. After I've calmed down I am a bit more rational and people who care will be kind of comforting....otherwise I am more used to people trying to make it worse via trying to upset me more that is how I grew up so I am still trying to get past that. I mean last time I ended up getting all anxious about something I was perplexed as to why my brother, his girlfriend and my cousin weren't getting pissed at me for being so 'annoying' because that's how much my brain is used to that being 'the way it is'.

And your right bottling stuff up does cause things to fester and blow out of proportion...but its what I had to do to survive as a child, so I guess its hard to try and find a different way. Especially when things that happen seem to confirm that is what I should do......like if i open up to someone only to get hurt then it seems more of a reason to keep suppressing things. Not good I know and at least I understand what is going on so maybe I will find a way to quit that.

I also leave when I can, that is one option I have now as an adult that I did not have as a child...now I can just leave and cool off if I need to. As a child you're not exactly allowed to avoid your classes or even coming to school even if it is to get away from the bullying. Also considering how much I blow up I must be really, really, really immature.

Sometimes comedy helps...but sometimes it can just make me feel worse depending on situation...as for music, music is something I use to feel better though I don't know that you would describe my music as 'happy' but I certainly find music quite therapeutic. But yeah I guess sometimes its hard for me to enjoy things that I enjoy if that makes any sense...and that is quite difficult but I try not to get caught up dwelling on it.

Good - accepting yourself is a critical first step. It takes a little more - stop focusing on what you can't do and on what you can. Ask whoever in your life has stuck it out with you to help you see what is unique and wonderful about you; of course you can't see it but they can. Don't just throw it on them; give them some time to think about it.

You're right.. finding seasonal work WON'T make you feel better; finding a career that fits you and pays more than enough to support yourself will. It is about being in control of your life as much as you can.

My first leap of faith in that direction sounds improbable but it's true. I went for an interview for a computer programming job with a start-up company for a language I didn't know in an environment I hadn't used... I said to them "Let me be 100% honest with you. I don't currently know Perl and have never written code for the web but if you hire me I'll know it and be ready to start work on Monday." To my amazement they said "Ok you're hired". I spent the next 4 days learning it and started on Monday as if I'd been doing that kind of work for a long time. I couldn't do that sort of thing if I didn't have Apergers.

Eventually that company went under and I needed to pick a more stable job. Once I decided what my career would be I didn't sit around and do nothing... instead I spent 8 hours a day PLUS while I was out of work preparing for that job. I immersed myself in it completely and made sure I could 'talk the talk and walk the walk' so that my first interview turned into my first job.

The cure for your depression is taking responsibility for it AND taking action. It doesn't have to be a lot of action. There is a neat thing about momentum in life... positive momentum spills over into other areas; you just need some forward movement. if you can't think of anything to do then think about who you could help and start helping them.



Oh but it is. You can't hide that you don't like yourself. It sends a signal to the world that some take advantage of and others judge you for (not that they matter). You can't be happy if you don't value yourself. Think about why don't you value yourself... is it a pressure from outside of you? Is it an unrealistic expectation? What is the core reason?

For a long time I didn't value myself... I remember saying in 3rd grade "If no one else likes me why should I like myself" - I was a very angry and depressed child. It didn't really get better until 11th grade.
For me it was a key understanding about myself that was important...
Other people don't define me - I DO.
Things that happen to me don't define me - I DO.
Ultimately I am responsible for my own happiness, my own problems, and my own future... even if others negatively influence my life they're just obstacles to go around and I refuse to let such obstacles stop me.
I hope you can get this kind of mindset - it will transform your life.



I have a lot of those same things in my life.. physical, sexual, and verbal a abuse; bullying; severe depression for a long time; and until I took control very low self esteem.
It takes a bit of a mental leap to get past your past but if you think about it you realize that what is past is past and you can't change it. The fact that it still infects your present is the problem.

I had bullying everywhere I went no matter where we moved it just started again. I even became the bully for awhile until I realized that people were only 'my friends' out of fear. It made me even more depressed. My parents were alcoholics that often put their own needs before the needs of their children. My step father was an angry abusive alcoholic a-hole.. and the next guy my mom married was verbally abusive. The baby sitters they'd hire to watch us molested us while they were out partying on the town. I even told them about the sexual abuse and they refused to believe it. It is a sad realization for a 5 year old that you can't trust your parents. I really didn't have any safe haven to turn to for a long time; I ended up making it inside myself.

A critical part of placing it all behind you is forgiveness. It's not easy to forgive people that physically, sexually, or verbally abuse you but it is a must if you want it's negative influence out of you. The key point about forgiveness is that it isn't for them.. it's for you.. so you can move on without their negative influence. When I feel like those negative thoughts are coming back I say to myself 'YOU DON'T DEFINE ME - I DO'.

Part of it comes from trying to understand it it all. Looking back with an adult mind I understand why kids were that way - they're like pack animals that prey on anyone different... and no matter where I went I was different. It doesn't make it right but I get it. I was super sensitive so when they teased me I blew up which fueled them to keep doing it even more. It's why I choose not to blow up as an adult.

You obviously have a lot of your past locked up inside of you... YOU HAVE TO GET IT OUT! One of the first things I did was make a journal and started writing it all down.. every negative feeling, every angry thought, every frustration I had.. once it was there I played a little mental judo about it. I've written it down so I don't have to hold on to it anymore. I knew I had a LOT to write so I made my own journal out of a 300 sheet ream of lined paper. I eventually burned it.

It doesn't work all at once and at first it makes it worse because you're re-feeling those negative emotions all over again BUT the process of facing those feelings diminishes their power over you. The more you face them on purpose the less power they have on you. By bottling it all up you keep it alive as if it just happened to you. It is like a time capsule that keeps popping up at the most unfortunate moments; it festers and infects your life. It won't be easy but you can get past your past and you can take control of your life.