Does anyone compare you with NTs of your age?

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My parents often compare me to, say, my cousins who are around my age. Like when I'm feeling an outburst coming on and I'm getting all bad-tempered and doing childish things like slamming the door and throwing things across the room and sitting in a sulky expression or laying on the floor, my mum or dad often say, ''oh I bet [name] doesn't do this!'' or, ''who else of your age throws tantrums over something like this?''

Or when I'm pissed off because my brother is being his usual irritating self and I scarper out the room to avoid him, my mum or dad often say, ''I bet [name] and [name] don't do this to eachother!''

Yes, I know some of the things I do are abnormal, but I would of thought people would be used to me and my ways by now. Does anyone else have people who compare your behaviour to other NTs of your age?


ps. please do not badmouth my parents.

Yes.

Your parents are using NT techniques on you, which won't work. NTs care very much what other people are thinking or doing, to the point where they will even make important life decisions based upon that. It has always puzzled me... But anyway, I think your parents are under the impression that they can shame you into the behavior that they want, by comparing you to NTs. It won't work, for obvious reasons.

Of course. Probably the most effective torment to me. Over the years it changes to expectations that are untold and you are unable to live up to. Nonetheless, the effect is the same: stone in your stomach and a feeling of uselessness.

Yes. I was dx'd very late in life. A few years ago and I'm 47 now. I always compared myself to them too, because I never knew anything was wrong with me.

Do your parents know that you know when you are overreacting or being inappropriate? Do they know that you do try to stop yourself from doing it, or do they think you feel like you shouldn't have to? Maybe they are trying to find a way to help you learn different methods.

We all have to learn things that are uncomfortable or different, simply to get along easier in this world. Maybe it would help if you told your parents that what they said bothers you, and then you can set up a type of system so they can try to help you not act in these ways. Like maybe when they notice you starting to overreact, they could point it out gently, with a predermined code word or phrase. This would be your signal to do a predetermined action.

They are probably trying to help in the only way they know how and it sounds like they are wanting to bring it to your attention without conftonting you directly about it. If you give them something that they can do which is more likely to help you, they may feel much better, and so could you, especially if it helps.

What things do you use to try to control your behaviors? Also, I'd suggest picking out one behavior and working on that, and that only until you feel you have conqured it.

The only way I can sort of control behaviours (although this doesn't always work if the anger or anxiety is stronger than usual) is to think of the consequences I'd have to face afterwards (parents being mad at me, brother being affected by atmosphere, cat being frightened, neighbours wondering what all the noise was, other relatives being concerned, me regreting my reactions, etc). But if I have a massive anger attack, sometimes I don't care about what will happen next, because I just want the message that I'm terribly angry about something to get through to other people, rather than bottling the emotion up inside me.

But I think my parents try not to upset me by comparing me to other people of my age. I think they are just trying to help.

When I was growing up yes. Merely out of frustration I would imagine.

YES. My cousins, who are all super achievers and have fabulous jobs and high salaries. Every time my mom goes and visits her brother and his family, she comes back and lashes into me, tearing me down with her words, insulting me. She wants me to be just like my cousins and her side of the family but I don't like being social and perform poorly when around people. Everyone on her side of the family are the exact opposite. They got the banter and small talk down pat, they like socializing and being around people. They just cannot understand why someone would dislike going to school or be depressed. They can't understand why someone would get bored with the things other people are interested in. Above all else, my cousins make so much money, they can buy their parents extravagant gifts and spend all kinds of money on them and my mom wishes I were like that above all else, full of money buying her diamond rings for Mother's day I simply cannot afford them. I consider it part of the curse. It's like, when I go someplace, right before I pull in, fifty people will turn in front of me and totally flood wherever it is I am going when barely anyone was there before. Like a restaurant or place like that, so I have to wait in a humongous line when maybe one car was there before I could turn.
Everything that happens seems to be Murphy's law with me. All my cousins are going to have huge salaries. Not one of them will be like me. They totally driven to succeed in the job market with all those interpersonal skills and zero anxiety. They are my foils in every way. I can't get into their mindset and they cannot get into mine. They all have tremendous strength and energy, too. They like being outside in 110+ degree heat mowing lawns and loading bales of hay, something I cannot tolerate in the heat. Then they badmouth me for not being like them.

i've long known i was a child of a lesser god. when i was young my parents often belittled me in front of other people, not caring how this made me feel. i was angrily asked, "why are you so stupid and clumsy? why can you be like so and so?" repeatedly. i know now that they had issues of their own they were dealing with by transferring their cold pricklies onto me, but back then it was just a desolate feeling of coldness and lack of support and general feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness.

Yes but not in a negative way. Lot's of my teachers and Special Ed. says I act like a shy NT [they don't say NT] because of how I act around people. which they do have a point I do when i talk to people don't seem like I have aspergers. They are just complimenting me and how I am. The first time I heard that [was Jr. high principal trying to make me feel better] I was mad but now i understand what they mean. I still get the services I need. I've never really have anyone compare me to NT's in a negative way. so i guess i'm lucky.

Yes its happened, but honestly I am not an NT my age so what they would or would not do is irrelevant to me....so what they would or would not do is probably also irrelevant to you. I mean I think it comes down to ignorance, as learning about autism would probably help them understand why you're not like a typical NT your age.

Yes my mum does whenever I'm lazing around the house my mum says that most people my age are out of the house with their girlfriends, have a job and out with mates.

I always get asked "whats wrong with you?" "why don't you act your age?" And when I try to act my own age and mature I get very depressed.

In my opinion that does not seem the best approach, you should not be bottling up your feelings because you're afraid of people getting mad, that's what I do and its not good. Also I cant say anything bad about your parents but even good parents with good intentions can make mistakes so its ok to be aware they aren't perfect. I mean the reason you should want to control your behaviors, is because they bother you or cause unintentional harm to others.

But I think if you can talk to your parents you should try to encourage them to maybe learn more about AS.....and explain to them how you feel about things. If it bothers you they say that maybe try telling them that like you could say something like ' It really makes me feel bad when you compare me to people who don't have my difficulties, and maybe explain some of the reasons as to why you're not like whatever NT they're comparing you to. I mean if your parents really are trying to help, I would think they would try to be understanding so I would certainly try talking to them about it.

All the time. It still happens. I hate it.

"Why can't you be more like __________________?"

"_______________ has _____________________, I'd be so proud if you could ___________________________ just like her."

"Your cousin has _____________________________. Don't you think you could too?"

"Do you really think ______________________ is losing sleep over this??"

I think most of the time they do mean well. Sometimes they're being as*holes, but most of the time they mean well.

It doesn't work. And what it ends up teaching is, "__________________ is better than I am. ____________________ is a preferred person. So is just about everyone else."

My responses these days depend on how much it upsets me.

When my husband wonders why I can't have a sex drive like my cousin (who lacks only an exchange of funds of being a whore), it's going to be, "You married me. If you'd prefer her, here's her number and here's a list of restaurants and/or drugs that will probably get you laid. Please wear a condom."

When various relatives tell me I should be more like ____________________, I'm going to start saying, "Because my daddy didn't name me _________________________. I'm me."

When it's something about not getting upset over standing up to someone who's treated me like dirt, I'm tempted to say something like, "_________________ is a sack of s**t. Why should I act like him/her?"

Actually, that happens to me and my fiance, a lot! It seems like we will decide to stop at an eating place and just when we draw a sigh of relief that it doesn't seem very crowded, people will suddenly start showing up and then the place is crowded. Back when we used to use a laundromat, we would pick one that was empty. Sure enough, soon as we started doing our wash, a lot of other people would start coming in, bringing squealing and shrieking kids with them. Another example is we just bought a house. We picked this house because it stood on an acre, on a corner lot, and had an empty park across the street and about a quarter of an acre lot on the other side. As soon as we expressed an interest, the quarter lot next door got sold and a cheap trailer was placed there. Now we have a neighbor. Then when we closed on the house, the city decided to put playground equipment int the little park across the street, and now noisy kids play there. That's seems to be the way that it goes, unfortunately.