Welcome to Gsilver's thesis series. These were only written over the course of four hours, but the ideas within are ones which I have been working on for an entire year. I hope that by reading this series you can apply these ideas in your own life, and live a more fulfilling life as a result.
The thesis:
1. Familiarize yourself with the topic of codependency.
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
http://codependency101.com/
(google more if you need more info)
Here's a good quote about it:
What is Co-dependence?
Well in a nutshell its when two individuals form a relationship based on the need to fulfill their mutual needs through the other person.
At least from my perspective, codependency is a catch-all term encompassing a tremendous number of personal issues, so large parts of the theory may not apply to you at all.
A big part of it seems to be the superiority or persecution complexes that a lot of aspies seem to have (myself included). By falling into the trap of this kind of thinking, they fall into unhealthy thinking.
It is my experience (both from reading this forum and in my own life) that aspies fall into the trap of codependency especially when they either:
A. Become too involved in trying to put on an "act" to please other people, denying who they really are by being completely dedicated to pleasing people in their lives.
B. Or go the opposite extreme and refuse to acknowledge the needs of other people.
The core of this is often the isolation and resulting frustration (and decline of social skills from what little had been developed), and isolation in itself can be a major cause of mental problems. In order to have fulfilling relationships, this must first be dealt with.
It is also essential to learn about boundaries issues and know how to set and respect them. Without established boundaries, you are setting yourself up for more codependent relationships.
Also, do not think that isolation (even if total) avoids the pitfalls of codependency. Isolation is the condition of a lot of people here, and the isolation leads to a lot of mental issues.
2. Begin thinking about how to establish yourself as a person.
You are not your obsessions, your possessions, your job, your college, or where you live. (to badly paraphrase fight club)
Who you are is the culmination of a lifetime of experiences and how you deal with and transcend the situation. How this is done varies from person to person, but you will need to become dedicated in learning who you are to relate to other people.
3. Emotional repression is toxic! If you've been repressing your emotions, you'll need to begin dealing with this.
This bulletin point is directly tied in with the issue of codependency. Are you, or have you been in a repressive environment? Are you repressing your own wants/needs/feelings for the sake of others? If so, you are feeding into emotional repression and will need to deal with it. I don't have much in the way of specific advice, other than working through a heavily internalized process of trying to figure out exactly how you "feel", whether it be sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration, hatred, or even happiness and elation.
Painful or joyful, your emotions are near the core of what it takes to truly define yourself as a person. There is a limit to such things, and only by working through them can you truly begin to come to terms with yourself as a person.
Counseling will help, anti-anxiety/anti-depressants may help (though I would strongly recommend that you look to non-chemical treatment first, and if you do need chemical treatment, buspar or other slow-acting anti-anxiety medications are much safer than the harsher and more fast-acting ones that commonly get prescribed), and writing will help.
On the specific topic of repressed anger, refer to my previous post:
gsilver wrote:
I've had a lot of repressed anger, and it is extremely unhealthy.
Your emotions will exist regardless of how much they are suppressed. Attempting to force all your anger to the back of your mind, beneath your conscious perception of it will allow it to fester, build, and wreak havoc on your physical and emotional wellbeing.
I've head about the "garbage can" metaphor, where all emotions that are not appropriately expressed go into a "garbage can"... which works fine for a while as it fills up. But eventually, you can't store anymore, and it begins to leak out.
This can happen in a number of ways:
1. Depression, as you turn your anger toward yourself.
2. Rages/meltdowns, as months if not years of anger builds up and comes out in a massive rush
3. Physical illness. I started repressing my anger at an early age, and had horrible health growing up
4. Irrational thoughts and actions. Also known as sideways expression, and "losing your mind".
All of this can be horrible to go through. If you allow your anger to build, some if not all of this will happen.
Since you can't yell at your boss/coworkers for every little thing, you'll need to find some way of getting it out. It's important to become aware of when you are angry, and allow yourself to feel the emotion fully and deeply. Without recognition as it occurs, it is far too easy to suppress it.
Additionally, you need to find ways of releasing this anger. So, something doesn't go right at work, and you're angry. You have a lot of energy needing expending as a result. Physical activities, such as running, can release a lot of this energy. Vocal expression can help (this can be expressed sideways in environments where loud vocalism is expected, like concerts/parties, or in places where no one can year you). Writing about it can also help immensely.
The more of your previously-accumulated anger that you release, the less new irritants will affect you. As prior-anger begins to subside you should be more able to appropriately express new sources as they occur. Did a Co-worker treat you like crap? Let him hear about it.
The more suppressed rage you have, the more difficult it is to not have your responses be overwhelming (you DO NOT want to have your expression be in the form of yelling or a meltdown).
Feeling your anger, and feeling it deeply is the only way you can be truly free from it. There's a reason why people dislike "nice guys": by holding back their anger, they are building it up, and no one can do it indefinitely. Sooner or later, it will come out, and if it comes out in the wrong way...
You've lost your job, your marriage, or your friends.
...and you can't let that happen.
4. Depression by definition is anger turned inward
Therefore, by natural extension of releasing of the repressed accumulation of emotion it is possible to begin working through the depression. The less anger you carry, the less anger you have against yourself, and the less depressed you are.
5. The more in touch you are with yourself, the less energy it will take to establish and accomplish externalized goals
Note that this does not state what they are. Externalized goals can take a practically infinite number of forms. The less mental duress you are placing yourself through (even if on an unconscious level), the more energy you will have for everything else.
6. Beyond self-determination, Self-expression is also essential
As you learn about who you really are, you must also
express who you are. Posting on a webforum, expressing your ideas and opinions is a good place to start. Finding friends (covered in another post) and expressing your ideas around them, and interacting with theirs is also part of the self-expression process.
7. Understand your strengths and weaknesses
Yeah. This is a big one. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and it is important to understand and accept them. As aspies, we have problems with sensory overload, with communication, and with focusing on topics outside of our interests. As a result of prior failed social interactions (especially during childhood, when deviations from the norm results in violence and ridicule), we tend to be weary of additional interaction.
8. You must accept who you are
I am myself.
By being myself I can be the best that I can ever be.
Why should I pretend, even for a moment, to be anything else?
Without that sort of thinking, you will spend your life denying yourself for the sake of trying to "fit in", which is an ultimately useless pursuit. Only by accepting who you are and trying to improve (rather than obscuring who you are by trying to live up to the expectations of others) can you truly become a complete person.
Any comments or questions?
Other thesis posts:
Gsilver's Thesis of Becoming a More Complete Person
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333525
Gsilver's Thesis of Friendships
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333526
Gsilver's Thesis of Relationships
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333527
03 Nov 2006, 12:22 am
