Death of a loved one, what is a normal reaction?

Post Reply New Topic

A year ago, I lost my grandmother. She raised me and my brother until the age of 6 or 7 years. Instead of daycare, she would come over and take care of us. She was in many ways more influential and caring than my own mother. We communicated regularly through e-mail until the very month she died.

Last year, as she was dying at the age of 96 - I remember everyone being so distraught, unable to speak to, or understand her. Yet for some reason, I was able to. I seemed to be in a different state, not overly upset or paralyzed by it. I was able to speak to her comfortably about the fact that she was dying.

In addition to recalling memories, when she asked, I told her she was going back to "wherever we were, before being born."

I remember feeling empty, calm. For some reason, I wasn't able to grieve at the time. My family relied on my communication, because they were all too distraught. I was the odd one out.

Now, more than a year later it is finally sinking in. I visited her grave last month, and for the first time I cried.
I haven't done that in years.

I don't know if any of this is "normal." Particularly the odd emptiness at the time, and long delay before grieving. I have been worried about my mind. Is anyone else like this?

Is it typical? No. Is it OK? Yes. We can't help what we feel, only what we do.

There is no typical "right" way for people to react to death.

At your grandmothers age - the most you can feel is glad that it is over and that she is not suffering anymore.
We cannot hold on to them forever.
Eventually the quality of life is gone and all they do is exist.

In the case of my mother, I loved her dearly and she loved me.
When the time came for my mother to leave this earth - I tried to have a talk with her.
My mom was so mad at everything that she refused to talk to me.

When alone - I asked my mom if she had anything to say to me and the only thing she said was that she loved me and that was it!
More like a exclamation then a profession.

All though my school years, my mom and I were so close, she knew to the minute when I got into trouble. I didn't even have to tell her because she would say a bad feeling came over her at 2:25 PM and that was the time when I was in the principals office getting suspended or whacked with a paddle.

When my mom went through the change of life, she proclaimed that she had done her job and her job was finished and it was no longer any of her concern what happened to me or my siblings.

My dad was a tyrant and his poor behavior passed on to my mom and she was very cold to me and I ended up not liking either one very much.
When my mom discovered she had cancer - she thought she hid it from everyone. She refused treatment until on her death bed and even then reluctantly did chemo until it did no good.
My dad - cheap SOB that he is - didn't want to spend the money to take my mom to a real cancer hospital and only took her to see the quacks up at the band aid station.

They blew smoke up her butt and said she would get just as good of treatment here as she would in a big cancer hospital in a big city. Small town hospital, only 9500 residents in the whole town and only 10 doctors in the whole staff.

So when my mom died, I didn't even cry.
I said my good byes and moved on.
My cheap SOB of a father acted ok for a while, and now he is back to his bad old self again.
When my dad dies - I won't shed a tear!

Yes, I have wondered by the way people express their emotions, whether they are really grieving for their loved one, or for themselves. Selfish grieving - I've known quite a few people who have used grief for attention - embellished it, or dwelled far too long on it.

I would cry straight away, which is normal. But I wouldn't say what you did is not normal. Some people react in all different ways.

"Oh my God! No!" And then cigars. Or is cigars births?

my grandpa died this last november, he was 79. i didnt really know him, mostley because my real father was MIA from me and my sisters. i did know him for the last 8 months of his life however. and visited him in the hospital a couple days before he died

he was in a coma so the doctors were all, you better say something to him because he can hear you even if hes in a coma. I did get frustraited because i dont like anyone telling me i have to say something. So, i just said goodbye and that was it. (they werent expecting him to live.)

and went home to resume my day. obviously i love my grandpa i just dont show it as much as everyone. like i wasnt crying and stuff

When my grandma was dying after she has her stroke my mum and I would visit her everyday. I even took the bus down to the nursing home when my mum was at work so I could visit her. I wanted to be there for her. She lived with me my whole life ever since I was one year old, she lived with us and took care of my brother and I. The day we got the phone call I was shocked but I knew that day would come soon. My last memory of being with her was leaving her in the lounge room in her wheelchair and holding her hand and saying goodbye, she didn't want me to leave. When we got to the nursing home after my grandma died, they let us see her body. It almost didn't seem real that she was dead. All of a sudden I burst into tears and I was screaming and bawling my eyes out. Then after about five minutes I stopped and I was numb. I didn't cry anymore after that but I miss her like crazy. She was my second mother.

My uncle got murdered a few years ago and when I found out I was really sad because I was pretty close to him but I didn't cry. I also find it hard when I see loved ones crying and I'm not crying. I have a hard time trying to console them and I usually don't know what to do. I might hold their hand or put my hand on their shoulder.

my spiritual faith keeps me from being heartbroken over somebody's death. i feel that when i am feeling sad about somebody dying, that what i am really sad about is the fact that the dead person is no longer here with me. i am feeling sad because i miss them, not to put too fine a point on it. but they are doing fine up in heaven, so there is no reason to feel bad about the deceased themselves.

I did my crying for my mother at the hospital, while my siblings and I were in conference with the docs to decide between total unplugging, send to nursing home/hospice for final days, or bring her home to die. Once we made the decision, I just lost it. She died in the hospital, just before the ambulance guys got there to bring her home for her last days. I didn't cry at the wake or funeral, because I had already done that before she died. I think I must have been feeling pretty numb, though. According to what I've read, it is actually fairly common to feel numb, or "empty". It is basically a kind of state of shock.

I wasn't close to my mother, as she was a difficult person to be around, but I had lived with her for almost 45 years, so I was used to her. Also, her last five weeks of life were very rough for her, and she was in pain the whole time. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Many times since she died I have heard or seen things that she would be interested in, and started to turn to go tell her about them, but then brought up short, as she is no longer there to tell. Other times I will say to myself that "Mom would have been interested in that." Even after almost a decade, I still do that.

I also still miss all the dogs we had over the years. I was always closer to the dogs, than to any people. Unfortunately, my health problems now make it impossible for me to have a dog.

We each grieve in our own way, sometimes a different way for each person or pet we lose. Don't let others dictate how you should grieve--there are many appropriate ways to do it, not just tears and wails.