OP, I have done a LOT of horrible things that I'm VERY ashamed of, in the past, but they are over and done with. Would some people I know dislike me and not hang around me if they knew about some of them? Sure they would. Do I care? No, I don't. I'm not telling them, it's none of their business, and the only way those stories are coming out of my mouth is if we are having a long talk and both of us sharing lots of secrets. Even then, some of the worst ones won't pass my lips.
Everybody makes mistakes. If you didn't make mistakes you wouldn't be human. Some pretty bad things actually seem like good ideas at the time, or your only choice, or just something you want to do really, really bad. Either way you can't change the past. If you realize that the things that you did were wrong and are ashamed of them and don't want to do them again, then you learned from it. Dwelling on mistakes, and making yourself feel guiltier does you nor anyone else any good. Whatever it was that you did, let it go. Trust me, whatever it was, it wouldn't shock me, I've been around some pretty seedy people in my time, and you don't seem like one of them. They usually don't have that kind of guilt either. Their way of thinking about it is "if there's no warrant out for me, it didn't happen".
My point here is, many people have done bad things. Many people have done things worse than whatever it was you did. That doesn't make them horrible. It makes them human. They made a bad decision, or they acted impulsively, or they had too much to drink, whatever the reason, they didn't think it out, say "yes this is bad and I'm going to do it just because it's bad and no other reason and I'll get no other gain from it" and do it anyway.
Please, try and let it go, whatever you did. When you start thinking about it, purposefully think about something completely different. Keep thinking of other things. It will get easier, and eventually you'll look back and think "Did I do that? Yeah I did. Oh well, life goes on"
It's hard, but you'll get there.
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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com