The Discovery of an Upsetting Letter

Post Reply New Topic

For me, the tradition of Spring cleaning is a dull but completely necessary task, often with little this-and-thats (sentimental items tucked away) being discovered during the process, making the activity significantly more bearable, if almost enjoyable. This year's cleaning proved to be anything but fun, and instead left me filled with resentment, so much so that I had the inability to finish what I had set out to do.

Several years ago a family member began making contact with, what I suspect, a fairly well-known autism specialist. At this time I had only just learned what Asperger's was, and had never considered the possibility of having it myself, I just knew that I was eccentric, and knew other people shared the same opinion. I became aware of the contact taking place with this "specialist" either by accident, or as a product of my deep curiosity, maybe an equal mixture of the two. Correspondence(s) between the specialist and the family member were left rather carelessly around the house, so it didn't require me to go much out of my way to discover them. From hurriedly written sweeping surface-area judgment sent to the specialist from the family member, my entire person-hood was being judged and ripped to shreds within these back and forth e-mails. I don't know if those I lived with knew I had gotten hold of them, I was careful to prevent that from happening.

Now to return to recent times, during the cleaning period. In a long-forgotten folder, I found a folded up piece of paper, and it contained a letter from this same specialist I don't remember ever reading.

The most disturbing part of it was this:
"He needs to be treated residentially, he doesn't see what he's doing as being self-destructive. Has had lifelong problems in a variety of areas due to poor socialization, depression, and wrong fixations. You know the goal focus problem THESE GUYS have."

If ever there was something to be said to ruin me, to alter my typically placid personality indefinitely, that was it. It was wrongful of this person to evaluate me and lump me in to some homogeneous group like a piece of garbage, but there was nothing I could do about it. This comment, and the subsequent other e-mails I found included in the same forgotten folder caused the most unpleasant memories from my brain's trash bin to bubble up, and stymied any productivity for a few weeks afterward. I matter, it's not fair for me and others to have to endure categorization like this. I may be emotionless on the exterior, but inside there's a big generous heart that was stomped on.

Guess that trash in my brain should've been taken out to the curb and sent away for good.

I'd be very angry if I found a letter like that, written about myself.

There was a reply here from me that I've removed, because it was based on what was likely a false presumption.

For anyone that did read it, it never occurred to me the emails were probably printed.

Thank my wife for calling me on it.

I've found tons of stuff like that. I try to push it from my mind. If I dwell on it, I will become the crazy violent person they said I was. My anger at the lies is immense. I have to live w/ my parents so I try to forget about it.