Reciprocity

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A co-worker of mine took me along on a shopping trip; and when I had finished getting my groceries, which amounted to $20 worth, she insisted on paying for them. She knows I am living off about $400 a month from a part time job, and that more than half of that goes to rent; she wanted to help out.

She is about 20 years older than I am--a little younger than my mother. So she is not "a peer" in the strict sense of the word. She is fully NT, and seems to be the nice sort of NT; I've seen her taking a (physically) handicapped friend places because the friend can't drive. But she is very aware of social custom and the things people are "supposed" to do, and what is "proper"; and I am not.

I know that when someone invites you over for dinner, you are expected to invite them over for dinner in return.

Is there a socially appropriate response, other than "thank you very, very much", when someone buys you $20 worth of groceries?

Ask HER, hopefully right when it happens. "How can I ever repay you?" She might just be doing it out of kindness, or might be happy with a dinner.

Steve

I remember when I was a boy of 12 or so. I did something nice to impress a rich ladies daughter. The lady offered to take us out for dinner when she found out what I did, but I told her I had no money. She said she wanted to invite me. She came by later that day to pick me up. Having felt some what guilty that this lady was going to buy my dinner, I had collected enough money for myself and told her so. She smiled at me and said, once someone offers you a gift you can't refuse it. The meaning behind this? Accept a gift/ gesture from someone else as it is. Sometimes people just want to do nice things for you. They say that there is more pleasure in giving then receiving...don't get in the way of that. Don't think that you have to reciprocate in kind, especially, close in time to the inital gift. That can be awkward.

Make sure that you say thank you at the time and if you still feel guilty do a "reverse revenge". They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I think showing appreciation for kindness is like that also. Wait until the incident is long forgotten. Then find out something about her. Months later reciprocate with a small but very thoughtful gesture. Do it in a way that it is a total surprise.

I have never found out why some people will do nice things for me, but it seems that it's always the same people. I would guess these people feel some kind of closer relationship to me than people who don't do nice things for me or not. Then again, maybe some people are just bad friends. I try to do nice things for people who do nice things for me.

I read in Psychology Today that people often feel closer to those they do favors for, not closer to those who do favors for them [the latter is, evidently, what one would think]. So if people are doing things for you, I think that means they sincerely think they are your friend. (as apposed to people you see once every couple of months accidentally passing in the hallway and they are all like "OMG I HAVEN"T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER HOW ARE YOU I LOVE YOU BYE!" Which I find obnoxious and annoying.)

Perhaps doing something nice for her in return but so it doesn't cost any money (if she's aware of your financial situation, she'd probably refuse to accept anything that costs something) may be a good idea.

Maybe a nice card or note? That's cheap and will just be a simple thing to let her know you appreciated the gesture, even if the message isn't long-winded. She'd probably still appreciate it. (Plus there's always the bonus of not having to express all that to her face; I don't know about you, but I get tongue-tied).