Can life ever be anything but pain for someone like me?

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My entire life I was led to believe I had ADD/ADHD. Only recently have a slew of therapists, psychologists, and even college professors, began telling me I have Asperger's.

I can't give a biography about myself in just a few paragraphs, so I'll keep this brief. Everyone in any school I have ever been to has hated me -- I've never had any true friends, and the friends I make I lose by being paranoid that they secretly hate me and/or I annoy them.
I do not know nor have I ever spoken with someone else who has Asperger's, but if I could all I would want to know is why? Why was it me that had to be born with this curse? I'd also like to state that it took me a very long time to make this post, because I am deeply embarrassed and ashamed, and I'm afraid to communicate with other people for fear of being ridiculed.

My life is falling into shambles, because I can't hold any interests. I am 23 years old, and I am a male college student studying computer science. The problem is that I gain and lose interests within weeks or months of discovering I have them. I go into these interests 110%, and I get to a point where I'm almost good at them... before switching to something else entirely. I have become bored and and apathetic with computer science, but I haven't switched majors. Why? Because I know the next thing I obsess over will become just as boring. I once had an obsession with Japanese, in just a few months I was close to being ready to take the proficiency test, and yet that too I abandoned at the first sight of something else to obsess over.

And then there's the thing that brought me here, forced me to reach out. I haven't asked a woman out since the early days of high-school for fear of rejection. I don't know how to talk to women, well, I don't know how to talk to men, either, but especially women. But there was one who meant something to me. I found myself growing attached to her in ways that I couldn't control. Sometimes I become attached to people very very quickly, it's another thing I can't stand... but I digress. So after being rejected it has me crushed. I know heartbreak is normal following rejection, but to me it feels worse than I think it should. I don't like many people, but when I do like people I tend to idolize them, almost as Gods or Goddesses, and to see that same reverence not reciprocated (despite knowing how unrealistic it is to expect such) it crushes me to the point where I wonder how I am able to still breathe.

I'm 23 years old, and I don't even know myself. I don't know my own personality, I don't know who I am, or if I have any purpose in life. Most of all, I wonder if I will always be in such agony. Most people who know me have no idea of just how miserable I am, since I deflect all pain with humor.

At any rate, it's not easy for me to submit this thread, but I really really want to. I want to know if anyone here ever feels like their life is hopeless, or that they're never going to be worth anything as a person. I'm sorry if this has been asked before, and if so I deeply apologize.

I relate on some things but not all. For example, I do often pick up interests for a short time and drop them but there's always a few enduring interests. I struggle a bit with study but if I set a goal to finish a course I'll do it - pretty good at hanging in there at all costs.

But with problems relating to people and with dating I get it. I also get strongly attached to people - have a strong "loyalty" thing I can't seem to shake even though it has seen me getting screwed over a lot. I would love the gift of loyalty from other people and used to think they would love it too. Have since found out most people are contemptuous towards loyalty so you have to be careful.

Things were pretty hard until late 20s early 30s. I still have a very negative self image and accept it as a given that 99% of people will be contemptuous towards me if they get to know me at all (some even when they don't). But, I've got a great partner who is my best friend and when things get bad I just focus on time with my partner and consider that the outside world can go to hell if that's how I feel.

I'm here because I still struggle and want to learn to cope better in the world. I have trouble with facial recognition, eye contact, social conventions, small talk, confidence etc, etc. I'm surprised how much I've achieved in spite of all of it - I know in work places people have struggled to understand me - how I could seem so smart and proficient in some ways and yet so stupid and totally clueless in others. I've had a lot of people think they can "work me out" - that I'm so quiet because I'm a "deep thinker" - rather than I'm so quiet because NTs are so unforgiving of people who see the world in a different way etc. I've had manipulative friends who have tried to control me and change me for "the better".

Anyway, I think once you see these things you can start to learn techniques. I'm pretty sure we can both learn to navigate the world more successfully.

It's good that you've submitted your post. If you look around the forum I think you'll find you have a lot in common with others here. I think this is a good place to learn about aspergers, find out you're not alone and learn from/with others. For me doing these things has helped me accept myself - so now I'm not bashing myself as much as the rest of the world - it helps.

Hey KevinW! Welcome to the club! You sound EXACTLY like me as far as interests go. At least the ones I can make money at. I do have one (songwriting), but good luck with that eh?

Anyway, I do know exactly what you mean by losing interest over time. The same thing happens to me. I know why it does with me, and I'm wondering if it's the same with you.

I want to know certain things. I want to know ONLY those things. Once I learn a topic to my satisfaction, I'm DONE with it, at least for the time being. Then, I'm onto something else. That doesn't work well in college or careers, right?

I've been in the job force since 1975, and I have lost track of how many jobs I've had. Several of them were "create a job" projects, as in, jobs nobody was doing, and never had done, so I had to create the procedures etc. and basically define the jobs myself. Sounds exciting, right. Trust me, it wasn't a big deal. Not working any of them anymore. Most of the companies I did that for are out of business. Only one still exists today, but the job I created doesn't anymore. They eliminated it about a year after I left. Dodged that bullet by a long shot.

The thing is, with every one of those jobs, I took a mess that other people were doing, systemized it, simplified it, and created a way of doing it so that any fool could do it. Then, I hated the damn job because it was too easy and repetitive. So, I'd either quit or get fired because of poor performance (yeah! boredom is more like it )

It's really odd that I hate change, but I can't stand working in the same place for many years, and can't stand being absorbed with the same topic for too long. So I guess it's only certain changes I hate. I don't like the unexpected. I like to make the changes myself, not have them pushed on me.

Anyway, enough about myself. This isn't about me, it's about you. I was just hoping you can see there are people here who identify with you.

OH! To answer your initial question: YES! Yes it can get better! I'm happily married now for sixteen years with three fantastic boys, all on the spectrum. It's hard man, but I wouldn't give any of it up for anything.

Spot on! ^^^^^^

I can identify 100%. Especially the wanting to know WHAT you want to know, WHEN you want to know it. That sums up my approach to EVERYTHING. Feel free to PM me if you like. I may be slow at responding, but I will eventually.

DAMN! You even type all caps rather than mess around with italics tags. This is scary. I hope nobody thinks you're a sock puppet and that we're the same person.

(We're NOT, in case anybody else is thinking that...)

Kevin...

I'm right there with you when it comes to interests. There seem,to be multiple things that I'm at least passingly good at, but I can never see to focus enough on any one thing to really accomplish anything.

As far as the larger philosophical/existential points go...

...I'm afraid I've found little in my own life to disprove the "life is suffering" concept. True joy, for me, comes in bite-size morsels. But I've also found that most people don't really walk around happy. Rather, they walk around "fine" or "okay." the trick, then is to modify your life so that your version of "fine" is closer to a calm baseline instead of "hurting" or "anxious."

For example, I've got major anxiety issues, so my "fine" is essentially 3 steps from abject panic(it used to be one, so I'm improving). I don't feel any more likely these days to spontaneously develop joy, but I do feel slightly less likely to spontaneously break into panic or tears. That's my existence. That's my meaning. For now, it's enough for me.

i can identify with not holding on to interests, because nothing interests me. i would love to have something that interests me and it's a shame i dont. i used to be fascinated by trees and bushes as a child. a simple trip to the grocery store was a wonderful adverture, but now i've lost that.
the way i see it, the reason why i was born with asperger is because it happens to one in three hundred or something, and the two hundred and ninety nine people before me didnt have it, plus it runs in my family.
you sound very insecure, like apologizing for asking something that may have been asked before. many times, i've seen the same questions pop up. that's because an individual can't read ALL the posts here. the old ones disappear at the buttom and you'd have to read all posts everyday, starting when this forum has just started.
also, there's no reason for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed to post this. it's an interesting post and i can relate, because i have no friends, besides my nieces, and as a teenager and till my early thirties, i lived aboard and didnt have them. i had no one, and i mean no one, for over a decade.
maybe you could hold on to friends better if you stopped thinking they hate you, or laugh behind your back, or whatever. let's face it: we tend to be paranoid. i used to be that way, but i try very hard, and usually succeed, not to jump to the wrong conclusions.
try to analyze your fears of being rejected, ridiculed, hated. think if there's a reason for them or is it just that you/we can't read the others' expressions and have a horrible time trying to understand peoples' motives and what goes on inside their heads. is it realy their actions that cause you to feel this way, or is it all in your aspie head?
getting a pet could be nice. my cats were the light of my life, both dead now. i intend to snatch a few off the street soon as i make enough money. we have them by the millions here and they leap out of garbage cans all the time. can't take a five minutes walk without running into several of those mysterious, magical creatures. i once went to a job agency and a cat leapt on the air conditionar outside and survied me from way high, looking down on us humans while licking his paws gracefully.
enough about cats. you could date an aspie girl, how about that? or, how about looking for companions closer to you, like your nephews and cousins or siblings? you'd have more self confidence with them, won't you?
if you want to make a friend and dont know how, just take a cute little dog out for a walk. the animal lovers would pat him and talk to you. make sure to get a super friendly, super cute dog. from a reputable dog breader, not a store, because then they have genetic diseases, that's how my first cat died. anyway, you can make friends this way. i've always felt more comfortable around people who love animals.
wow, what a long post this is... hope i helped.

Welcome to WP Kevin! Spend a little time reading here and you will probably see that for lots of people things do get better in the areas that matter to them.

As to relationships and dating success, there's a current thread (and countless older ones and a whole subforum) you may find a good starting point or to put things in perspective:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt194781.html

KevinW

I relate a lot to what you have said about idolising people - I often either really dislike a person or like them too much; there's not much inbetween! It's like the person becomes my obsession/special interest.


Invisibubble

This may be a crazy idea for you but it works for me. I have now, two chronic and severely painful bone diseases and I just lost my oldest son (only a year older than you) in August.
We moved to France a year and a half ago and my kids have both regressed due to the time it took to get them into the therapy center. They are doing great now, especially my son who is now in the autism school and therapy half and half of the time. My daughter who is classic autism (my son is aspie) they put in the public school as she scored higher in her IQ tests than he did but she cant really talk and knows very little French.

Anyway thats a tiny part of my issues and I would never try to downgrade anyones problems or say that other people or I have it worse but it actually helps me to go on youtube and sometimes watch people who are WAY worse off than I am. Its like the Pollyanna method.

I also like to find humor, in books, online and in movies, making fun of myself even. Things will get better, you are still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I always tell my kids....I have to adult daughters and two little ones.... that, you can do anything, you seriously can. I wish someone would have told me that. Its true things are harder for us but if you are stubborn like me you can get what you want. Just try to focus on what you want, like career wise, and dont let anything distract you from that and I know sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what it is you want and guess what? It may not be just ONE thing and you have time, unless you get hit by a bus today (thats a joke sorry I have a dark sense of humor). You could always take time away from college to try and figure out what you want to do next, maybe you dont even want to go back, maybe you want to start your own business.

I stayed in my house and had babies with this horrible man I married, you are doing way better than I was at your age!....I didnt even go to school until I was in my late twenties and I still keep finding more things that I want to do. Maybe its not just that one career.....maybe its several. I went from being a CNA, to an MA to a Phlebotomist....then I found out my baby has Autism and I have Asperger and my 9 year son and my 19 year old daughter does too so I went back to being Mom and a taxi driver, for my family that is, therapy, work, ect...then I started getting sick....yesterday I taught myself how to make balloon animals.....I need more balloons, crazy thing is, I used to hate balloons, I was terrified of them popping and the noise they make but It didnt bother me because I was creating. Ive made movies on youtube, I have made movies of my daughter for positive Autism awareness, I have made a memorial for my kitty that passed away, I made two for my son, one for me and other drug addicts with Bi Polar disorder and one for his X girlfriend, I made a video about the song, "Where is the Love" by Black eyed Peas, things that are important to me, they are under Aspiemom42 if interested.

Even from my bed and being 44, I find new things I can do. I want to learn to make cakes when they fix my back so I can sit up.....its like never ending....Just dont worry, if you relax maybe everything you are looking for will come to you.
Also, remember none of this is meant to try to downplay your issues because when something hurts you it doesnt matter what it is, it hurts you and what other people think of it is their problem. I hope that you find your way. I always thought the great thing about having Aspergers was how we could be very focused on something but then decide to get passionate about something else. I know not all of us are like that but a lot of us are.

Oh btw the one awesome thing in my life is that even though I screwed up on the husband choice the first time, I SOOOO got it right the second time. We have been married 10 years now and he puts up with me and still loves me . I found him on the internet. I am horrible in person, socially. I giggle at everything I say and act completely mental when I get nervous so asking someone out in person.....no way. I am not even aware that someone is flirting with me that almost got me raped once. I strongly recommend looking for someone online and after you find that you are compatible you can tell them "Im not this easy in real life, im shy and sometimes say things right out of my head". If I can find an awesome French guy with a PhD and a 145 IQ.....you can find someone, trust me . Just dont be in such a hurry, being in a hurry gets you into trouble, its how I ended up with stupid first abusive husband. Slow down, take your time.

Sorry, I edit way too much....I have an amazing imagination and I used to think it was a bad thing because all my teachers would say "April daydreams too much and this is her problem".....problem was I couldnt stop but when I was in fifth grade I had a wonderful teacher tell me that I was a writer when we would write short stories. She said she would look for my books when I grow up.....thanks Mrs. Ewald but I still havent had the guts to finish my stories and I have not sent one to an agent yet. I did promise my son though so I am going to do it for him. His favorite story of mine is a fantasy science fiction and I know how to end it now so. I will do it.....unless I drop dead Joking...but true

I'll just add, life is pain (you know you're alive when you're bleeding, mentally and physically).