What's the right answer to "how are you?"

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I honestly don't understand smalltalk. I think it's unnecessary and uncomfortable. I've been wondering something for quite some time: what is the right answer to "how are you?". I never know what to answer when people ask that. Do they want me to tell them the truth no matter how I feel or is it just a polite way of opening a conversation where I'm supposed to answer "fine thanks, and you?" no matter how I feel? I don't get it so I tend to answer the question "too late" so I often try to avoid it altogether.

Anyone recognise that?

That is the way to answer it.

Or you can say something like I feel crappy. As long as what you say next is kind of funny. (Just coming up with something random) This morning i had to take a cold shower so I felt like leaping in and and out.

Yeah I was reading about that before. It's supposed to be one of those unwritten rules that when people ask "How are you?" you're supposed to answer the usual "I'm good, how are you?" because people don't want to hear about your bad news. I usually stick to these rules with people I don't know well or co-workers but if a friend or somebody I'm close to asks me that question I'll usually tell them what's wrong if I have cause to.

Last edited by lostgirl1986 on 19 Mar 2012, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Basically answered what I was going to put.

You should say "fine thanks, and you?" unless you want to tell them why aren't you fine(once a friend answered "I'm not fine but I won't tell you", I didn't like it, I still feel curiousity about what happened to her). I think you should only talk about it with close friends, family or psychologists, other people may not want to listen your problems and they are just being polite.
There is something more, maybe the other person is looking for someone to talk about his problems, and he/she said "how are you?" so you ask it back, you must not forget to ask it back, either you told him your problems or not.

Last edited by Doubutsu on 19 Mar 2012, 12:57 pm, edited 5 times in total.

That's exactly why I think smalltalk is unnecessary, because people probably don't care anyway.

That's essentially it. I always say "I'm doing pretty good, how are you?" This is what people expect you to say. Answering the question honestly will throw them off. They aren't really asking how you are most of the time, it's just a polite greeting.

There are a FEW exceptions. For example, if it is well known that something "bad" happened to you recently like the death of a family member or if you were sick. Then at that point it is ok to amend the response slightly and say something like "oohh.. I'm hanging in there." or "I'm feeling better now." In these instances someone will be very surpised to hear you say "I'm doing good, how are you?" because you are expected to be a little off or down. So saying you are good or fine is inappropriate.

I made this mistake a few weeks ago when I was off from work sick for a few days. When I got back someone asked how I was and I gave my stock answer "I'm doing pretty good, how are you?" and they were like "uh... I wasn't the one who was out sick all week."

I don't really like "How are you?" I always either take really long to reply. Or I reply the wrong way, I actually explain the truth. And I know "How are you" is a prompt for two things:

1. Someone wants to talk about their problems and is subtly hinting

2. Small talk not really important and they don't care

I agree with you. I hate small talk but it's a part of neurotypical life. They feel uncomfortable without it while we can go through life without having to say something every ten seconds. It's like one of my favourite quotes from Pulp Fiction. "Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about BS in order to be comfortable?...That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the f**k up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."-
Mia, "Pulp Fiction"

There are some humorous answers to this, which basically mock the stupidity of the question. For example, in response to "How are you?":

"I'm excellent mate, it's just everyone else that's the problem"

or

"Not bad, you know... straining up under the bear"

However as these are rather dismissive you'd say them to a friend but not, for example, to your local Mayor.

The humorous repartee can, in fact, be the point in itself. A little verbal sparring to make people smile - it's a chance to play with words.

This shouldn't be confused with the male, serious-voiced enquiry "Are you all right?". That expression captures all extreme concerns from "Your girlfriend has just dumped you" or "Your Mum has just died" through to "Jesus Christ that football hit you right in the nuts". Whereas "How are you?" is a glib, passing expression, "Are you all right?" in serious tones is a matter of utmost importance, beyond jokes and rivalries.

I've made the opposite mistake many times. Someone asks "how are you?" and I answer in complete honesty. Then people kind of look at me in a weird sort of way.

'terrible, you?'....at least that is what I think I should start saying.

'terrible, how about you?'....at least that is what I think I should start saying.

I usually tell the truth when someone asks "How are you?". Mostly, I really do feel fine. But if I'm not, I'll say something like "Okay" or "I've been better" etc.

I was thinking about this today. Another parent at school said 'How are you?' to me at pickup time. I was actually quite excited as I had just been to view the planning proposals for the re-development of a town near where I lived. So this it what I told her. Followed by detailed information and the pros and cons of each of the competing proposals. Until she said ' Oh there's my child' and walked away. Then I remembered I was just supposed to say' I'm ok thank you'

Even when I do remember to just give that answer, I usually forget to also ask 'how are you?' back to person. this is probably because I simply do not care very much or I won't understand if they do reply by telling how they are feeling. Even if they just replied 'ok thank you' I wouldn't know what to say after that so the conversation would stall anyway at that point.

The phase 'how are you?' doesn't even make logical sense as a question anyway. It's just needless talking for the sake of it- something i prefer to avoid.

I always forget to ask how they are as well after I reply that I'm good.