I'm....not sure what's going on, and I need advice

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TheDoctor82
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10 Apr 2012, 10:59 pm

OK, here's the lowdown:

I mentioned late last year on here that my Dad is facing a major battle now against a very rare form of blood cancer that there is no cure for.

He's received treatment for it, and is coming back home the 28th of this month. All this treatment does is manage it, though; like I said, no cure for it.

I already knew that this would be cutting my Dad's life short back in May of last year...but he's only now come to terms with it in the last few months. And no, this doesn't mean he only has a few months left...it just means he realizes his lifespan has been cut dramatically short.

I know this because he told me so in a recent email.

Now, in the last 9 months, I've pretty much had to manage the entire household while working to keep my own business afloat, and on top of which keep my job going successfully....all on top of having been financially wiped out from being really sick from late March-mid May of last year.

Basically, I've been insanely stressed out from all of this, and my focus has only recently started returning in as heavy doses as it normally does. Yeah...for like about a year, my brain function was mostly on reserve power; you don't even want to know what that's like.

Anyway, upon getting that email from my Dad...not to mention in the morning when I'm usually cranky as it is.....I had to hold my composure at work, and keep from bursting into tears...and I'm not sure why. Allow me to elaborate further:

First of all, I've never really felt any heavy emotions for my family; they're my family, why the hell would I feel any emotion towards them? Just like for most of you, it's an Autistic thing.

On top of that....I've recently come to view my Dad's life in a totally new perspective, really shining a light on so many things about him. Oh, don't get me wrong, he's a very decent man.

But....he isn't very bright, not very resourceful, and clearly doesn't understand a damn thing going on around him most of the time. On top of that, despite having shown me the path to independent critical thinking, he....is not good at it. One thing I can easily tell you is that he never really thinks anything thru, and usually winds up making many emotion-based decisions, despite always preaching about critical thinking.

Also, it helped me understand my past/childhood a lot better, when I realized the exact situation we were always in, despite his claims otherwise( and I believe he only claimed them cause he told himself those things, and honestly believed them). I'm not going to go into the full details of that at this time; my room-mate has suggested in the past that I eventually write a book about my life years from now, and that's where I'm going to get into everything.

Anyway, yeah, he's not the parent I got my Autism from, if you can't tell. He definitely has something close, but he's not the Autistic one.

And yes, after these 9 months I have mostly learned to take care of myself, and don't really need him for the things I used to.

I'm wondering, however, if there are several other factors about all this that helped nearly push me to tears that day, much stronger than just his coming to terms with the reality of his lifespan recently:

1. I really want him to be at my wedding...and I know my girlfriend wants it too.

2. I want him to at least get to meet his grandchildren.

3. In the past 10 years, I lost my Mom, and 3 out of 4 of my grandparents( my Mom's father passed away over 10 years ago), and while I know my family would make some attempts to help me get thru such an inevitable situation...I've come to realize based on my interactions with them last year while I was dealing with his being away to deal with treatment that....they're really not mature enough to handle this either, and have little else to offer me outside of some cheap words I could read off a cocktail napkin. Basically, I feel like an outsider from my family, and I know they couldn't be there for me, as much as they'd try to. Yes, I realize it all does come down to me...and don't think I don't feel even more pressure to succeed because of it--and I don't mean pressure from them, either. But on top of it, the rest of my family also wouldn't know how to help me because....most of them still have their parents alive, and the elder ones had their parents live much longer.

4. I'm recovering still from being hit so hard last year with so much all at once: let's just say it's an amount of stuff that most folks aren't mentally at the point to handle when they're only 29( I just turned 30 at the end of last month, for those wondering); but I had no choice, and had to go thru it all, at that age...and again, with physically older, but mentally immature family who were not the helpful people they were hoping to be.

so what do you folks think? Do you think it's the possibility that my Dad might be going in just a few short years, being hit with all that stuff at once with no real moral/emotional support given, that after all of it I'm just not ready yet to mentally deal with it...or do you have some other thoughts?


I'd love to hear whatever your thoughts are, as this has been driving me nuts recently; and I really want to mentally work this out. I figured I'd come to you folks because you understand my mentality better than most people..as your brains work similar to mine.

Feel free to offer your thoughts.



Last edited by TheDoctor82 on 10 Apr 2012, 11:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.

kBillingsley
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10 Apr 2012, 11:05 pm

Damn. I really cannot offer you any good advice except this: if you make it out of this situation alive, become a motivational speaker. You have just demoted all of the dilemmas in my life to "white people problems" status.



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10 Apr 2012, 11:59 pm

It's alot of weight, all in a short period of time, with an insufficient support system.

Reduced brain function points to your nervous system being overwhelmed.
It's not ready/recovered from everything else you've already faced, and is now expected to deal with this new stress too.

Your response makes perfect sense to me, from this angle.

I would even suggest dealing with it from a physical standpoint and ensuring your sleep quality is good, and that your diet includes all good things that nourish the nervous system, including vitamin, mineral & herbal supplementation as required, all of that -- to help you rebuild.



readingbetweenlines
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11 Apr 2012, 11:50 am

On the whole it sounds like you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You've been through a lot recently, and you are having an emotional reaction that you didn't expect. I can relate to the part of your post where you're wondering whether your father might not be around to see you get married.

My mother died just a few short months before my wedding and I felt really sad and also that was really unfair because she'd looked forward to it so much. So I felt emotional even though I didn't even like my mother that much, and due to her mental state would probably have spoiled the day for everyone.

So I think this may well be part of why you're having a stronger reaction than you would usually have. It's also one of the things you can do something about, by not delaying things unnecessarily. Good luck!


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BuyerBeware
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11 Apr 2012, 1:28 pm

Well, I think you're pretty smart and pretty cool.

If you ever want someone to hang out by Lake Erie and hash over life's little problems with, Cleveland's a s**thole and Cedar Point frankly blows goats, but Sea World is OK and Sandusky isn't that far from Pittsburgh. I drive.

I like fellow Aspies and fellow Rust Belters. I'm a bona fide hillbilly West Virginia coal miner's daughter (granddaughter, great-granddaughter...) I tell jokes about people from Ohio, but I don't (mostly) mean them.

But you're only going to enjoy hanging out with me if you like kids, have a high tolerance (or better yet, an affinity) for abrasive people, and aren't particularly bothered by intermittent hopelessness and chronic simmering rage.

Those are pretty much my thoughts.


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Jtuk
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11 Apr 2012, 4:59 pm

Just because you can't identify emotions, doesn't mean they aren't there. You had a perfectly "normal" reaction to some very emotional news.

Jason



TheDoctor82
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11 Apr 2012, 9:03 pm

readingbetweenlines wrote:
On the whole it sounds like you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You've been through a lot recently, and you are having an emotional reaction that you didn't expect. I can relate to the part of your post where you're wondering whether your father might not be around to see you get married.

My mother died just a few short months before my wedding and I felt really sad and also that was really unfair because she'd looked forward to it so much. So I felt emotional even though I didn't even like my mother that much, and due to her mental state would probably have spoiled the day for everyone.

So I think this may well be part of why you're having a stronger reaction than you would usually have. It's also one of the things you can do something about, by not delaying things unnecessarily. Good luck!



Well, here's the thing: I'm not delaying it un-necessarily; I'll PM you with the details.

I guess I would've expected it more if my brain were functioning more at this time...but as you've read and likely agree with: I've just been hit with everything non-stop, and have had really insufficient support in dealing with it.

Like I said: I already knew his time was short as far back as May of last year. It just hadn't really sunk in for him until the past few months.

And the thing is: I'm really not under the impression my Dad cares all that much. I'm not saying he couldn't care less, but he's never really emotionally invested in much of anything. I think he could very easily accept it if it doesn't work out for him.

My room-mate even said to me that "it's traditional for the girl's family to pay for the wedding", because I felt bad about the thought of having my girlfriend's parents do that( it's the kind of person I am, really). He went on to say "if you were a girl, your Dad would be screwed". I asked him "how would he be screwed?" My room-mate went on "because not only could he not afford the wedding, he's generally incompetent as to even go about handling it". I responded with "no, he wouldn't be screwed; he really wouldn't even care. It would be my problem, not his; this situation just gave him a further "get out of jail free" card". My room-mate responded with "but I'm sure he'd feel really bad about it". My response was "yeah, briefly...and then he'd just move on from it; trust me...it wouldn't bother him". My room-mate ended our convo shortly after that, since I'm not a girl.

My point is...like I said, I don't think he'd care either way.

But I also know there are many particular activities at a wedding specially reserved for the parents of the couple, and unfortunately most would have to be cut out if I were to lose my Dad before then. And if you think I'd be just as pleased to have the rest of my family--as in the people who could barely offer me any adequate support when I needed it--fill in, don't kid yourself.

Now, a few minutes before I typed this, I finally did feel the urge to turn the waterworks on, and since I wasn't at work, or had to get ready for work or anything, I just let it go this time. It felt nice to get it out; but the thing is I do believe it's more about the situation I've been put in, in general than specifically the "news" my Dad just recently figured out.