Friend with Aspergers, what to do?

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Help! I have very strong suspicions that a good friend has Aspergers. Although I've known him for several years and noticed some odd mannerisms and behaviors all along, his recent behavior while spending significant time in our home has driven my husband and I to want to terminate the friendship. Its gotten to the point where we can't stand being around him. We feel very badly because he is a genuinely nice guy, very religious. He needs friends and we are some of the closest he has. It is clear to us that he is not trying to be a jackass and to do things that we find rude and disrespectful but we just can't take it anymore.

I am a very compassionate person, very interested in human interactions and helping people out. After doing some poking around I was floored to read about Aspergers. Most of the descriptions fit him to a tee. My husband and another mutual friend couldn't believe it when I showed them the list of symptoms I'd compiled.

The big question I have is DO I TELL HIM??? He has often looked to me for advice and has told me in the past that he appreciates my brutal honesty at times. I think if he was aware of his condition he could be quite successful in taking steps to improve the situation.

Its not like he is a total wreck or anything though. He was successfully married for nearly 10 years, went to college, and had a good accounting job. However, in the last few years things have fallen apart. His wife left him out of the blue. He lost his job and has been trying for over 2 years to score another one. He can't seem to get a girlfriend and chics have to go so far as to ask him to stop pursuing them.

I fear telling him may just hurt more than it helps. Or it might make him self counscious to the point where he wants to avoid social interaction.

ANY advice would be much appreciated.

A relative just suggested i look into asperger's. Thereafter I discovered that a lot of people had thought so for YEARS, but hadn't said. I found THAT rather annoying.

Well telling him about that is probably at least a better approach than 'ending' the friendship, I thought friends where supposed to actually be there for each other not just shun each other when things get difficult. But I guess people have their limits and all. Thing is though if you're going to suggest he has it I would recommend trying to be supportive about it.....also explain the things that are driving you up a wall, try and create some understanding....but yeah it would take time for any improvements to come from this.

Do tell him, as nicely as possible. I think it may be a relief to him to know why he is so different from others, and why he has such a hard time in life. I know it was a tremendous relief for me when I finally found out I had Asperger's. Although just knowing didn't fix anything, it did reduce some of my stress. Not knowing why I was so different and having such a hard time was extremely stressful. I have enough stress from the problems Asperger's causes, and from my other health issues, without the added stress of not knowing WHY I am this way.

There are therapies, drugs, and coping methods available now. It turns out that I had already come up with many of the coping methods on my own, that were mentioned in my research. I choose to continue with that and not to pursue therapy or drugs, as I had them as a child and teen and hated them. They didn't help me at all. I used to be mad at what I went through back then, going to one psych doc or therapist after another, and hating every session, but now I know that Asperger's was not recognized as such back then, so I can't expect the treatment providers of yesteryear to have known how to treat a condition that was not known to them. Back then people on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum were misdiagnoses as having emotional/behavior problems and/or being a discipline problem.

Give your friend a chance to find help for himself. Tell him, and show him some info on Asperger's, and give him the web address of WrongPlanet.net. Tell him to check out the Autism/ Asperger's forum here for links to online tests he can take to see if he might be on the spectrum.

I suggest you also do more research on it, as it will help you understand your friend better and get along with him better, too.

Anyway, welcome to Wrong Planet! You are among friends here!

Wait, why are you ending your friendship with him? It sounds like loosing a friend is the last thing he needs right now.

He may be spending too much time with you - I think all guests get annoying after awhile.

If the choice is between telling him or ending the friendship, I would tell him of your suspicions; but be prepared for him to respond defensively. It may not be something he has thought about.

Do tell him. I remember telling some friends about my diagnosis and they said "Ya I thought you might have that." I was pretty annoyed they never mentioned their suspicions. There I was all oblivious and thought I was perfectly normal and stuff. A lot of aspies aren't too aware of either other people's or their own feelings, thus might severely misjudge their actions and consequences.

I would definitely say tell him. I sure wish someone told me 15 years ago! Hell, even 5 years ago would have helped. I agree with bnky - if I knew that someone knew but didn't tell me that would really piss me off and make me question their friendship.

Of course, you need to be careful in how you tell him. I don't know your friend, but people generally act defensively when told "hey, I know you better than you know yourself". So I would phrase it as merely a possibility, regardless of how clear you are in your own mind that he has it. That also leave the door open for you to say "OK, so maybe you're not an Aspie, but you are similar to Aspies in some way, so perhaps some of their insight and strategies can still help". I think that's ultimately more important than the label itself.

THANK YOU ALL for the advice. It has really helped me. It is going to be terribly difficult to have this conversation with my friend but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. I've been going over it in my head for days trying to think of the best way to go about it. I have a meetup set with him this evening.

I'm thinking I will start by explaining that some of his behavior has really had the effect of driving my husband and I toward wanting to end the friendship we have with him. I will give concrete examples, ones that I feel will demonstrate my point but not hurt him too badly (overstaying his welcome in our home, asking to stay here while we have out of town guests, never reciprocating favors, giving us the impression he doesn't care about what we're saying a lot of the time). I'll then tell him about how confused were were at his behavior because he is otherwise such an intelligent and kind person. Then I will tell him I found some info that had shed a whole lot of light on the situation, at least for me. I will stick strictly to social aspects and NOT touch on more sensitive issues like posturing, gait and speaking in a monotone.

Does this sound reasonable?

I remember many years ago (it was about 9 or 10, I think) a few friends suggesting that I have Autism. My thoughts were "yeah. Whatever".

A few years later, one of the friends said it again and I asked him why. I wasn't happy that he never explained why.