Are some people being coddled too much?

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Ok, I'm sure this is going to bring a LOT of wrath down on my head. But I've seen/heard of some aspies
that seem to have problems way beyond what that you'd expect and I have to wonder is it because the
parents are being overprotective. Before everyone thinks I'm talking about them personaly and pretending
there aren't realy problems I'll give two examples:

I read an AMA on Reddit from a guy who runs student housing for 50 people with aspergers and he mentioned
that one of the guys didn't know how to cross the road at 26 years old. He learned it quickly when he moved into the accommodation but didn't know before hand.

The other I saw in one of the youtube mini documentay, you know the over sentimental ones. And the guy of
a similar age didn't know how to shave, his mom had to do it for him.

I don't want to judge and I know there are people having a harder time than I but this doesn't seem to be an AS
thing. More of a parents freaking over AS thing.

What do you think?

Yes, I think many Aspies kids are coddled nowadays. Not everyone, of course, but I have seen real-life coddling in a lot of instances. I grew up before AS was known about, so I was forced to do things that were hard for me. In some cases, accommodations would have done wonders, but overall, having to push myself made me succeed despite my disability. I am most angered by how most Aspies get less homework/classwork to do.

I have NVLD, so believe me, I know how hard it can be to do some things, but that doesn't mean that I was allowed to get out of doing them in the first place. I shudder to think where I'd be if I had grown up in today's world. I can vividly remember not being able to visualize in 3D at ALL up to 6th grade, because I remember not being able to see a heart shape's symmetry in 6th grade. And I struggled with math from the start. But because I had to push myself, I am proud to say that I have since learned how to think in 3D, and I have made it through such courses as organic chemistry and calculus. Those courses were a struggle, of course, but once I was in college and knew about my AS, I was able to use the accommodation I should have had all my life (extended time on math/visual-spatial exams) to show my true potential. It takes me longer to see visual-spatial things, but if I work at it and work at it, I can do it. I never would have known what I was capable of had I been allowed to skip material/classes when I was younger.

In my case, my mom always knew about my deficits, long before I ever got an AS diagnosis in college. She has always known what I truly cannot do. Like, she knows that I truly cannot learn to drive. I tried it for her, and I just am not capable. She has never pushed me to do something she knows I genuinely can't do. But it's because I worked hard and struggled (and still do...) through the challenges AS gives me that I have gotten this far.

I dont have experience with others, though in my case, AS was only identified last year. While not identifying it earlier has caused huge problems, and the accomodations I am getting at uni make things much more manageable for me, I also think that by learning to push myself due to not knowing about AS, I have the best chance of dealing with my problems to prevent them from being as much of a problem as they could be. For example, once identified I have problems processing auditory information, my natural response is to want to know how to deal with it as a result I am now working with a neuropsychologist to try and consciously learn how to filter auditory input. I have noticed here on WP, that I seem to have a much greater drive to understand why things happen and how to improve them than many others seem to have.

I think kids these days are being coddled more. Parents are scheduling play with them more and I dunno...maybe I didn't get as much attention because I didn't show I needed it but kids just seem to be kids for a whole lot longer. I'm talking about all kids regardless of neurology. I don't mean every entire kid in the world. Obviously some parents have different methods. I've just seen with middle class parents in particular.

I walked to school my my sister. We caught the bus. When we crossed the road with our mum she'd drag us across a busy road. It petrified me enough to choose to cross the road on my own. She did show me how to shave at 13, legs. She thought it was time to learn.

I was overprotected however. People made food for me because I was known to go the whole day without eating (as a toddler) and it took me a very long time to be able to cook, order food (I did have slective mutism), clean my room, etc.
I'm glad now I am finally able to do those things. I live with my sister now close to the city and I now do most things for myself.

Parents do have a hard time letting their kids grow up, especially when they're on the autistic spectrum. Mine still says it's ok to move back in with her even if she doesn't have any room. I both love and hate city life so can never go back.

I understand what you're saying. I'll have to admit my parents were pretty over-protective when I was growing up and I was pretty spoiled but maybe my mum was so over-protective of me because I had issues, I don't know. My ex boyfriend's brother has Asperger's Syndrome and his mother is extremely over-protective, she's very overbearing but he has a typical case of Asperger's Syndrome, it's really obvious. He's extremely intelligent but he's not high functioning socially, you can tell right away that there is something different about him. He has a lot of sensory issues and he gets seizures. Maybe his having Asperger's Syndrome made his mother the way she is, who knows. Maybe it's the way genes work, having a really social parent and then a parent who has Aspergian traits...or having a really social parent who has Aspergian traits in the family and then a parent who has Aspergian traits. It's an interesting theory...

I think kids these days are being coddled too much; autistic or not.

Yeah, I would say some people are being coddled too much, but I hate the word because it was used by an ex-friend who said she wouldn't coddle me, and she meant she wouldn't try to understand me or treat my beliefs and ways of being with any respect, so I ended up coddling her by walking on eggshells and refusing to tell her what I was going through so she wouldn't have to deal with it and later attack me.

My parents and my younger brother say I was coddled too much, I lived with my parents until I was 28, and I didn't pay for rent until I was 27. I stopped doing many chores sometime around the age of 23. My parents never demanded that I be social, we hardly ever went anywhere. I was allowed to be a hermit. My parents didn't force me to get a job or even complain that I didn't have one. My younger brother told me I didn't have a life and complained to my parents that it wasn't fair that I got everything and didn't have to do anything for it. Everyone thinks that were I coddled less I would be more productive or less shy or I would have been able to live alone without the panic and depression I was having.
Let's just say that I am afraid of many things (spiders, firealarms, crossing busy streets, banging washing machines, thunderstorms, darkness, people, to name a few) and maybe if my parents had made me deal with these things instead of taking care of them for me I might not have as many phobias. I highly doubt it, though.

Who knows, really? I'm just me and I'll be alright even if I was coddled because I'll find ways to handle things.

Yes, definately. I agree with the other posters too that it's all kids today as well, as a general rule.

I was very overprotected about things my mother perceived as dangerous and very neglected in other things. My mother knew there was something off with me, I suppose, and I was a very sickly child because of respiratory problems so she saw death around every corner for me and made damn sure that I would stay safe even if it meant I was miserable and had no life. She even thought that taking a bath was dangerous for me because I would get wet, possibly chilled, and then die of pneumonia. She was a nurse, but still thought that. She also didn't seem to be able to figure out that you don't have three chain smokers in the house with a kid who has chronic respiratory problems, but wouldn't let me play outside much because of the pollen.

I was socially backwards not only because of my AS but I was even more backwards because of how I was raised and how I rarely got a chance to socialize and the way that my mother and grandmother tried to fight my battles for me and protect me from everything. I'm very, very glad that I wasn't diagnosed as a child, because if I had been then I'm sure my mother would have sent me to a special school and instilled even more fear in me than she already did. She would have driven a bulldozer over any budding self confidence I might have displayed and informed me immediately that I wouldn't ever be able to do <whatever I brought up> because I was a "special child". It would have been her dream come true. A "handicapped" child who doesn't need a lot of work or effort on her part but who fits the bill to generate plenty of pity for her and admiration for her martrydom. A sickly child was good because she could blow every sneeze out of proportion and inform everyone I encountered about how frail I am and how fragile my health was, and she could talk to her friends on the phone for hours about how worried she was over me and how she doesn't know what to do about this doctor or that doctor and how I'm her whole world and if she loses me she will just lay down in front of a train, while waving me away and mouthing "Go ON, I'm on the PHONE!" when I would try and get her attention about something. Ironic huh? If I sound bitter, I am.

As far as other kids nowdays, oh yes. I was going to go on a rant about some things about that, but I won't.

But yes, I do think so. I also think that the parents who so overprotect, hover and coddle their medium or higher functioning kids not only do them a disservice but when people see that those kids can actually do things their parents say they can't, they assume that the lower functioning kids can do the same thing as well, if only they make them try. This can lead to public opinion that people with AS don't need very many, or any at all, services. Overprotecting hurts everyone involved because the effects are obvious on the child, but it hurts the parent by distorting their relationship with their child to the point that sometimes it can never recover and become normal.

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OliveOilMom, you got me thinking, I think the single most difficult thing for me to deal with in my relationship with my parents is that when they get involved with my problems it tends to add to my problems. I mean, its good that they love me and all, but it would make my life a hell of a lot easier if they would just back off and let me be. Although I am working on AS related things with a couple of professionals at the moment, I have not told my parents as I do NOT want them trying to get involved - it might not seem too involved from anyone elses perspective, but it is something I want to have the freedom to explore and understand without thier involvement which I would find restrictive and difficult to deal with. I dont want anyone else trying to impose who they think I should be on me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I think parents way of getting involved can sometimes be detrimental to thier child. As with anything there is a balance.

I thought this be my unpopular opinion but not this time. I do think some aspies get coddled too much and it does them a disservice and they learn to use it as an excuse and not even try.

I am glad my mother never coddled me. She said things the way they were, if I was mean, she called me mean and made no excuses. If I was rude, she told me so and made no excuses. If I did something wrong, she made me apologize and made no excuses. No problem I had escaped me from negative labels that were true. She had me in a classroom at my special school with high functioning kids, kids who were close to normal, when I did t ball, I was on a team with normal kids than in a special league. She let kids come over and allowed them to play with me. She never wanted to keep me sheltered or in a bubble. She let me go to birthday parties too when I be invited.

When we go out and if I got too overwhelmed, we leave and not stay where I would scream and have a meltdown from all the noise making everyone else there miserable. They had to keep taking me back to those places so I can learn to get used to it and I did eventually.

In high school, mom found out I was going into the special ed room just to be on the computer and she told the teachers in the room that she did not want me in there during lunch and I need to be out socializing or else kids would think I had something wrong with me and I had to be watched and she didn't like me being on the computer looking up Benny & Joon all the time. So after that I was never on the computer again during lunch and I would just be by myself in the hallway in front of my locker playing video games or listening to music. I never liked socializing.


Mom has always treated me like a normal child growing up despite my disabilities. To this day I still get weird out when I have to get accommodated or get help and my mother actually supports it. She calls it a tool and says everyone needs help. For her right now it's medicine and needing therapy for her cancer so she can be the best she can be. In fact my mother who is a nurse has worked with patients who use their disabilities as an excuse and they exaggerate their symptoms. Like one patient may say he can't even walk because his leg hurts too much so he doesn't work and then he be walking fine until she comes in the room and the man starts limping and going "ow." Even she said people with AS use it as an excuse. I am not sure how she found out. I assume she must have been reading online or talking to people about it since it has become more known these days. Sometimes I wonder if I am being too judgmental because I don't know how badly effected the person is by their AS or know their limitations. But yet I always think everyone needs to try harder and push themselves to do it until they can and no excuses.

I am dubious about this explanation as a general rule, because I spent two decades trying and never managed to get anywhere. Learning that I had these disorders was a relief because it explained why things are so difficult.

I do think it's possible to coddle someone too much so they never learn to try, though. I just don't see the point in linking it to impairments so directly.