Years of pain, could he have Aspergers....?

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Hello,

I am a little hesitant about putting such personal things on the web and although would really love to write a long in depth post, I just don't feel comfortable doing so, but will try to get my point across subtly. I simply thought people experiencing Asperger's would be well placed to comment on behavioural patterns and thoughts associated with living it.

I've been with my partner for almost 10 years and we've almost broken up many times, due to many things, including debilitating arguments and constant tenseness in the house, if he didn't adore me so much (deep down) I think we would have. I've been trying to make sense of his actions for so long, and have gone to enormous lengths to try and help make him happy because he seems so tortured at times. But all my pleas to 'let things go', 'relax' and ignore stuff, goes unheeded. Aside from one or two small things, I despair that I've made no difference to his life. He still tells me his life is 's**t' and he doesn't understand why everyone else seems so happy and he is in turmoil. I am constantly tired and look unwell and that we might be better apart.

I recently saw a program where autistic children hit themselves and I suddenly wondered if there was a connection as when it all gets too much, he slaps his face over and over (even in front of the children which is really hard for them). I went online and it seemed he was too well spoken and charming to be autistic, he is an excellent sales person, or at first it seemed even an aspie, however amongst some of the, I guess, lesser traits, I was constantly saying 'yes', 'yes', and then 'yes'. He is someone that cannot bear when things are illogical or unfair - any delay in traffic really gets to him, late trains, bad weather. He just gets so stressed. The first time I witnessed his stress, I had hardly ever witnessed that amount of 'stress' and this was on a 'date', but I later thought how sweet, kind, intelligent and witty he was when things were going well.

Whenever I've left him, he's told me the problem is his, but so long we are in the same house, 'everything' is my fault, and if obviously not my fault, it is God's fault, never his fault. His way is the only way (dishes, carwashing, housework) and it's hard faced with such inflexibility.

What was really moving for me, was that after reading several Asperger case stories on line written by spouses, I suddenly, for the first time ever, felt I understood him - like I had discovered the key that opened the door, even though he doesn't seem to 'fit' the criteria on some of the major behavioural patterns.

And if that is so, maybe I can stop trying to fix his life, and start just accepting it....do you think? But sometimes he pleads me for help...

Thank you for your time.

Tired & Weary

Hmm, this is not a community where "subtle" is going to suffice, I fear..
That aside, that is a bad sterotype that has eveolved over the years. It came from autistic children kept in enviroments that were inherently hostile to their senses/emotions. When they were taken out of institutions, those behaviors like headbanging showed a HUGE decrease. Indeed vanished most of the time. Also, these videos show the WORST most OBVIOUS cases. Autism can actually be pretty subtle towards the AS part of the spectrum (depending on situation, again!).
I would not spend too much time worrying about worst case scenarios. If I were a parent, I would be looking for reputable programs with proven success & finding the best resources.

Sincerely,
Matthew

When I was a kid, I bit myself when at church, though not enough to draw blood and I slapped myself at school once, getting in big trouble for it. It was during a test which might explain why I did it. It's been so long since I have done any of that stuff, though. I outgrew it. Maybe to stop it in your bf, you should try to not let the argument escalate to the point he feels like slapping himself.

You would get more responses if you moved this post to the love and relationships forum or the 'for adults only'....best of luck.

One of the volunteer board moderators will probably move this post for you I expect.

Yeah, we get things like this occasionally--people in struggling relationships with socially clumsy partners, wondering whether their partner has AS and hoping to understand them better.

This is what happens when somebody doesn't get diagnosed young--when they don't know why they're different--when they don't understand themselves. You say that he blames other people for things, or blames God or the weather or whatever, just never himself. I wonder if this could be because he knows, instinctively, that his autistic traits make some things impossible for him so that no matter how hard he tries he can't do them--so he knows it's not his fault, but he's been brought up to think it must be somebody's fault, so he blames whatever he can reach. Just a theory, there.

Your guy does sound like a nice person; but he also sounds like he's really stressed out. If he's like me, he may not even know how to "relax", because that's something that's difficult to do if you think in very linear, black-and-white terms. You think, "How can I ignore these problems?" It's like trying not to think about a pink elephant (you just thought about a pink elephant, right?).

Yes, mildly autistic people hit themselves too. I do this and I'm living independently and in college. But hurting yourself when you're stressed is a very, very common problem--about 12% of the general population has done it at some time or other, and many of them don't even have mental illnesses. Self-injury of all sorts, from the guy who punches the wall and bruises his knuckles to the teenager who copes with depression by cutting, to the autistic person who hits or bangs his head, is an indication of anything from a stressful life to depression to developmental disabilities like autism. For me, the best way to deal with self-injury is to find out why I'm so stressed and find ways to relieve that stress.

What you refer to as "inflexibility" is something I often think of as "trouble switching tracks". For example, I may do a homework problem, think about one way to do it, and keep trying it that way even after I know it's not working because it's so difficult for me to switch from one method to another. I have extreme difficulty switching from one activity to another; for example, I may start a project near bedtime and be unable to go to bed until I'm finished. Unexpected events completely throw me off. I often deal with that by having an option for unexpected events that I know might happen: "If class is canceled, I'll go to the library and read my textbook. If the doctor is too busy to see me today, I'll go home and sleep instead. If they don't sell chicken sandwiches here, I'll order the first salad on the menu." That kind of thing. It helps to have possible back-up plans.

This sort of "inflexibility" is more of a cognitive trait than a personality trait; it's in how I think and learn. Being forced to switch tracks quickly feels like being suddenly thrown into the deep end of the swimming pool, while having no idea how to swim. It's a mental shock that can cause my brain to blue-screen and me to freeze, cry, or even have an all-out tantrum.

Bring him over here. It's difficult getting this stuff second-hand. If he does have AS or something similar, then it's his call what to do about it, if anything.