Meltdowns, yet again (sorry!)

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Sorry, I know this topic has been very extensively discussed and have read several of the existing threads.

I'm a complete newbie here (Hi!) and am trying to decide whether I have Asperger's or not. I appreciate no one here can give me a diagnosis and I'm not sure I even want one anyway. I would just like to know for myself and am just adding bits of evidence together whichever way they lead me. I've made it to age 50 without a diagnosis. I tick plenty of the boxes, though certainly not all. I also have a mood disorder.

Anyway, the thing I am particularly interested in at the moment is meltdowns. Mine, if that is indeed what they are, are rather like very short lived but very intense depressions. I used to think that maybe they were just part of my depression. Recently my therapist asked me to write something about my anger and my little essay included one of my 'meltdowns'.

I wondered if anyone would be prepared to have a read through this bit below and add any thoughts or observations, even if it is no, that's definitely not a meltdown. It happened in response to a very minor issue at work. Thanks in advance. Sorry for the long first post.

(Warning, mention of suicidal thoughts in this)

“Somehow I make it home but only get to the top of the stairs before I drop to my knees. I curl up into a little ball with my hands over my head and sob uncontrollably. I want to scream but don’t want to alarm the neighbours so I scream silently in my head! I’m angry again, but not with anyone else. I’m angry with me. I am REALLY ANGRY with me. Something is clawing around inside my head. I hit my head against the wall over and over. It feels good and helps a little but there is a mad beast rampaging around in there.

“Just end it all now“, screams the beast. “You know how to do it“. It reminds me with visual imagery just in case I have forgotten. I don’t want to. I can’t. “Please just leave me alone”, I whisper back feebly, over and over. It keeps trying but I can’t let it win. I won’t. I don’t know how long I lie there but I slowly become aware that the beast has finally got bored with its uncooperative playmate.

I get up and walk downstairs to make some tea. Twice more I find myself on the floor sobbing, but it’s less serious now. The beast doesn’t return. It will leave me alone for a while. In an hour I have returned to being an normal functional human being.”

Hi laminaria,

What you describe sounds like a spiritual attack to me.

I had a tough day at work yesterday, so I know it can be really tough to let go of the negative thoughts afterwards. But I know I should just enjoy the weekend. So today I'm going to pray more than usual.

And I'll pray for you too.

...

It sounds like you might be schizophrenic

If you don't mind if I ask.

How long have these "meltdowns" been taking place?

Are they always as intense?

Why do you think it happened at home rather than at work?

What about the "minor" event caused the meltdown?

I've always had them for as long as I can remember. Sometimes they're less intense than this one; occasionally a bit more.

They seem to occur in response to a variety of stimuli. This one was after a discussion with my manager at work where we disagreed on a particular working practice. He was calm and patient as he usually is. I tried to be assertive which resulted in me coming across as angry which is what usually happens. Other times they might happen after an intensive training course or meeting which I don't really want to be at. Sometimes I just find everyday things completely overwhelming.

I nearly always manage to get home first.

Ok, thank you for answering.

My suggestion is that you work with your therapist on this. Have him/her go over the diagnostic criteria for ASD and explain the areas as they pertain to you. They would be the best resource for you to get clarity as to whether or not this is an area worth looking into. The reason I suggest this course is due to the limited ability of the Internet to actively observe your behavior. The criteria is behavior based and requires observation.

Probably not what you were looking for as far as an answer, but it's the best course of action. As you have already experienced with the answers you have gotten, they aren't going to be as helpful to you as working with your therapist who knows you and has been working with you. The therapist would also be a useful resource if it is decided by both of you to persue this further for connection to diagnostic services and other services/groups that can help you.

Thank you for the replies. They are appreciated whatever they say.

I call it a type of meltdown. There are 3 types I have. Ones similar to what you describe which also included self harm. The other two is basically going ballistic and the other is where I shut down and go catatonic. With those two, I don't really remember what was going through my mind after they are over. But the ones like yours I'm a lot more aware of what was going through my mind. They are more psychological than the other two types which are more neurological. But all three are a result of overload. I got cognitive behavioral therapy to help me deal with the episodes I has that are similar to yours. Also I've been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia which plays more of a role in that kind of meltdown.