I am constantly compared to my brother

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This will turn into a rant:

Brother has AS. I don't quite meet the criteria for AS, apparently. (I am not certain of my exact diagnosis)

Ever since then, I've been compared to him and am apparently nowhere near as disabled as him, because I go out and socialise. Unlike him, I'm not lazy, nor do I sit on my backside all day doing nothing. I am actually trying to do something with my life - he's not. All he does is play on his computer all day. Apparently, this somehow makes him more disabled than me. What she's forgetting is that I have numerous problems that he doesn't - he can actually go out without wanting to scream because it's too noisy or it's too bright. I can't do that at all.

In one way, I think she uses his AS as an excuse so he doesn't have to find a job and allows him to sit on his arse all day claiming disability benefits. Yet, there's no reason why he can't work. It's not like he's low functioning (sorry, don't know the proper term) and can't go out anywhere without supervision.

She's done it before. I went to apply for disability living allowance. (DLA) To which she replied "it's not as if you have to wear thick glasses, is it?" She clearly doesn't understand that glasses are pretty much useless to someone who has part of their eye missing.

How do people deal with being compared to others? it's starting to piss me off. She has no idea at all what I'm like socially, nor is she aware that there have been several times where I've gone out with others and needed to come home because I can't cope due to the noise or the fact that there's too many people around me.

Well, I'd hate that, to put it simply. Luckily I don't get compared so much.

try to ignore your mom's thoughtless comments. you are the expert on you, other opinions have less meaning. seems like she has a favorite, anyway, further biasing her views. if you keep steadfastly being exactly who you are, everyone will gradually get up to speed.

That's terrible, your mother sounds like she needs a severe lesson in parenting.

No one knew I had AS but I was always pushed to do sports and activities in school.....more like my brothers. I felt and still feel that my brothers are favored over me. I know I am not what my Mother wanted in a daughter, I know she loves me but I am not what she wanted.

I accept my kids at face value, the way they are. I help them when they need it but having Aspergers myself and two chronic diseases my kids are still expected to do things, they are not allowed to just sit on their butt all day. I recognize when my kids need extra help, especially my Autie but I teach her to do things like make her bed and pick up after herself. Sometimes I have to explain things to her and show her things and sometimes I have to explain her to my son as he gets irritated with her. Its not easy with a 9 year old Aspie boy and a 7 year old Autie girl. I think Ive done pretty good but I still have to help them understand each other, not to mention their own feelings and those other people that are out and about in the world.

I think some people shelter their Autistic kids too much to where they do nothing for themselves. I dont know why your mother would compare you to your brother....I mean you are siblings you may have some of the same behaviors, not necessarily Aspie behaviors. Does she think that you have AS? or are you upset that he gets special treatment? As I said, you do have to explain things more but to let him get away with things you are not allowed to is wrong in my opinion.

You might possibly just have Sensory Processing Disorder....you might want to look that up. I have three other kids, I lost my son who was Bi Polar and 24 years old in August. My daughter who turns 20 in June has Aspergers and Ehlers-Danlos hyper mobility like I do and my 22 year old daughter just has Sensory and Auditory Processing disorder but is VERY social and has been working as a waitress since she was 16....Id rather her finish school but that is up to her now. Dont get me wrong, I stand by my kids and help them when they need it but they have to grow up someday even if I dont like it LOL.

She does think I have AS and Autism was confirmed on Thursday. She's said a few times that I should work. What work, I really don't know. Unlike my brother, I will never have a driving licence.



This has been suggested to me. I know that light sensitivity is common in people with both of my visual impairments and that some tend to being hypersensitive to noise. I was fine with noise until I had my ears syringed 2 months ago.

That has to be awful. You and your brother are constantly getting compared to each other and it's probably hurting both of you, not to mention driving you apart. As brothers, you should be teaming up--helping each other--and your mom is doing nothing but telling him that he's inferior and irresponsible and etc., etc.

I don't know just how disabled your brother is. It's likely enough that he truly can't work. It's also likely that because of her constant putting him down, he's given up on finding work because she's convinced him that he's too lazy, too irresponsible, too disabled ever to make a go of it.

Next time she puts him down, stand up for him. He's your brother and he doesn't deserve this. She should be encouraging him. He knows he's unemployed; he knows he has problems socializing. He doesn't need to be told over and over, especially not in a way that makes it out to be a moral failure on his part. That kind of constant devaluation is nowhere near "constructive criticism" and is doing nothing to help. Tell your mom that you will NOT put up with being "the favorite child", that you consider your brother to be just as important as you are, and that you are not amused in the least by being preferred over him.

If you want to help your brother, that's probably your first step: Tell your mom to back off and stop nagging. I know; she's supposed to have the authority in the family; she's the mother. But sometimes the kids have to stand up to their parents, too, and this is one of those times. You could show your brother some of the useful things you know how to do, if you like; but don't focus on that too much. If my guess is right, he's been put down too often not to be pretty discouraged by now. He needs, most of all, a friend who likes him for himself, whether or not he's "lazy". You got common interests? Hang out with him. Do stuff together. Make a connection. He may or may not learn how to take better care of himself, but he'll certainly benefit from having somebody to hang out with who doesn't constantly judge him like his mom does.

She doesn't put him down. She just says in front of me how he's much more disabled than me. I don't think he actually knows - she did it on Thursday after my appointment with the psychiatrist and today after my neurology appointment.

Mum doesn't judge him - it's me she judges.

A few years ago, (not long after sustaining quite a severe injury) she told me that I should work. At the time, I also had depression. Yet, she allows my brother to do nothing all day. Never mind that I was in a lot of pain for months

I have problems relating to ASD he doesn't. I have serious issues with texture, touch and having certain things on my hands. I don't think he has those problems.

Who is "she"?

Mum

Probably makes no difference; but I'm female and 18 months younger than my brother.

I would give this thread the opposite title.

Because what you're complaining about is NOT that they compare you to your brother, but that they do NOT compare you to your brother.

They judge you and your brother by totally different yardsticks, and it sounds like you want the two of you to be judged the same way (either judge you by the same low standards they judge him, OR hold him to the higher standards they expect of you... preferably the latter).

We only know your side of the story of course, but from what you're saying it makes sense that you two should be judged the same way- should both be expected to achieve the same things more or less because you have comparable sets of abilities and disablities.

But mum is comparing us. She's saying that he's much worse than me. How would she know that? She has no idea what I'm like socially or the sensory issues I have.

Except we don't. He just has AS. I have a load of other issues alongside.

So do you think you are actually worse off than your brother?

Yes. He's not the one with part of his eye missing. He will actually drive - I will never be able to, ever. I'm also sure that he has nothing wrong with his brain (apart from the AS) - I was born with a load of things wrong with mine.

He's just Autistic - I'm not.

Probably not a very tactful phrase to use on a support forum for autistic people.

What makes you so sure that you have it so much worse than him? I'm not saying your mother is right, but you might not be right either. Why is it a bad thing that she's encouraging you to get a job? Would you rather she gave up on you and told you that you'll never be a productive member of society?

The trouble with this thread is that we only have your side of the story. I'm sure that your brother has a lot of problems that you can't see - just like you have problems that he can't see. It shouldn't be a competition as to who is the most disabled.

I always get compared to my brother also.

He is a doctor and I have a degree in computer science that i don't use.

























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