Should I feel "bad" about this?

Post Reply New Topic

Earlier tonight, my gf's cousin texted her and asked if she could stay with us part time until she finds a place (she is relocating). Well, she has two kids, once of which is physically disabled/special needs (MS i think or something similar). Regardless of whether one of her kids are special needs (which just makes it more stressful, but would be either way for me). Anyway, she was actually considering letting her do this!

I lost it. I have been trying so hard to explain Aspergers to her over the last few months, and I don't think it is sinking in. I put Tony Attwood's book on her Kindle for her to read...and she promised she would, but she hasn't yet. I mean, she is trying to understand...because she does make changes and adjustments to her plans according to how it affects me. Although, it is after she gives me "wow, do I know you at all?? What's wrong with you!??!" looks. She simply doesn't understand, but wants to.

Well, I'm NOT good at explaining how I feel...I mean, AT ALL! I know how to give a textbook answer of: I need rigorous routine; I am NOT in no way comfortable with people I do not know visiting...especially LIVING with me/us. Furthermore, I don't like children! They are unpredictable balls of chaos...and it is hard enough that I have one and the only way I deal with it is because she knows how to behave around me (for the most part--she's 11, so she has moments, of course).

So, of course I did not do a good job explaining how this made me feel...I just sort put it like "No! I can't! I can't!! !! She can't!! !". Her eyes got big...she didn't say anything, and wanted to go back to watching TV. I didn't have an answer from her. My insides were torn up...I was freaking out inside!! ! Finally, I force her to give me an answer on what she is going to do...which was not allow her cousin to stay here thankfully. But she explained that she was relocating because she was in an abusive relationship, and with that knowledge...couldn't understand why I didn't feel bad for her, and make an exception. She didn't understand.

I know that many Aspies do feel plenty of empathy, but I lack a great deal in this area. So, no that knowledge doesn't change my reaction. I feel more for bugs on the ground and animals than I do people. Anyways, she has a very hard time understanding this.

I'm not sure whether I should just leave this alone being she made the decision on my behalf and the cousin won't be staying with us, or bring it back up later in order to try to help her understand. She really needs to read the book I gave her...I hope she does soon.

Was I an ass about this?

I can understand why you would be selfish about it. I would feel uncomfortable too because I would be concerned about too many changes in my home and my routines being disrupted and if one of them is special needs and he or she is out of control, I would have a problem with it too because I would not want my home destroyed. I don't think you were wrong for this.


Also if she can't be bothered to even read that book, maybe she isn't really a good friend.

No, I don't think so. I have more I want to say here, but words aren't coming.

Is reading a book gonna make her think, "Oh, this is how my girlfriend thinks? This is what makes her tick?" No book can explain Zombie Girl. No movie or documentary or song or drawing can explain Zombie Girl. We're too complex as human beings to be simplified by the words in a book. You can start by letting her read your forum entry. It's pretty specific. I'm sure she can learn something from it.

Last edited by redrobin62 on 14 May 2012, 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

Okay. I was wondering if I was wrong, because of her reaction to my reaction. She initially acted like I was a unfeeling monster...but she calmed down and everything is okay...atleast tonight. However, I may hear more about it tomorrow...I don't know. I just think she should be trying a little harder to understand...and atleast read that book.

I don't understand what "League Girl" is. could you explain? I agree that we are very complex, and no book can completely explain it...but I don't think she has any concept whatsoever, so reading a book would be something.

edit: also, I'm pretty great at explaining myself in writing, but trying to verbalize...vocally is near impossible for me. WP is my therapeutic haven, I don't think I'd be comfortable letting her read this.

It's good that you are able to be assertive about your needs as an aspie.

I have often not been assertive enough, and ended up in situations where I felt very stressed, irritated and uncomfortable and prone to melting down.

For example, I recently attended a large family dinner (out of sense of obligation) in a very crowded, noisy restaurant. I ended up putting tissues in my ears. It wasn't a pleasant evening at all. I only went so that my parents wouldn't be upset. (But then again I'm from a Confucian background so maybe that makes it different.) I need to stop trying to force myself to be more social.

I don't think you should feel bad.

Sorry. I corrected it. I got to thinking, though, is it fair that your girlfriend has to read a book to understand you? Is she your therapist or girlfriend? Is this fair to her? She just wants to be with you without an instruction manual attached.

Redrobin62, I see what you're saying. But if my partner had a disability and asked me to read a book to understand it better, I would want to read it. (Though when the person is upset with you is probably not the best time to ask.)

As an aspie I wish my friends and family would take the time to read and learn about it, and I would love them all the more if they cared about me enough to do so. But I'm afraid to ask them to do so because I know I would be really upset (and take it personally) if they refused.

Be honest, have you read any books on relationships with NTs?

dont feel bad bout that.. u did right.. if they live with u and gf house gonna go craaazy.. no good for ne1
show you wanna help tho.. look for place for girl.. not yer place.. other place.. she needs rescue still

read the book.. yea.. I had that.. was in relation and gave book.. read plz..
read? nope.. later..read! no...I wait.. wait.. HELLOO? read? still no
break up.... way later... yea yeah.. book read.. wants to get back.. no way!

@Seventh. Point well made. I didn't put the shoes on the other foot with this one. 10 lashes for me! Seriously though, it does make sense I would google my loved one's illness to understand them better. Zombie Girl, my deepest apologies.

I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house, adult or child. It would drive me nuts. I'm not sure if I would be this bad about it now but there was a time when someone staying over would have meant I would be trapped in my bedroom until they were gone. At this point I have too much stuff that is spread around the house that it would be difficult or impossible to take everything that is mine and put it in my bedroom where it is safe like I used to do when I was younger. People here would ruin my routine and cause me constant anxiety.

I'm not sure what staying with someone "part time" is. When would they stay the rest of the time?

For me it would really depend on the level of need. If it was a real emergency situation, like they're fleeing domestic abuse or they're going to be on the streets, and there was no one else in the world going to help them, then ... yeah. I'd just have to.

But if they're just furthering their ambitions in life (ie relocating) then no. I couldn't handle it really. Even in a true emergency I'd be running the risk of a nervous breakdown, but in that case the risk is outweighed by the need.

Honestly, no I haven't. I suppose that I figured I am the minority in this situation. Perhaps I should make an effort too.

That's exactly it...I don't want her not understanding my ways to end up breaking us up. IMO, I don't think asking her to read a book in order to help our communication issues is asking too much.